Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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As long as we're separately talking about both Velvet Buzzsaw (here) and Toni Collette (here) today it seems only right to bring 'em together and give some love to my favorite moment in the whole movie (as mentioned in my review). But since the film's only been out for a week and perhaps plenty of you haven't partaken we'll take the rest of this with its stumpariffic spoilers to after the jump...
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Velvet Buzzsaw (2019)

Now that's what I'm talking about! One of the things keeping this film from being the camp masterpiece it was trying to be was a lack of really gunning right off the cliff -- it keeps pulling its punches in the weirdest ways -- but not in this scene. Nosirree, bub. And it almost didn't happen! In an interview with Thrillist this week writer-director Dan Gilroy said this:

"I came up with "Sphere" because I remember as a kid watching Roman Holiday and there's a scene where Gregory Peck sticks his arm in a hole and Audrey Hepburn shrieks. That always stayed with me. I don't know why it did. But when it came time to write the script, that was the first piece of art that I thought to describe. Something you put your arm in and it scares you and what shape is it. And [production designer] Jim Bissell and other people came in and starting helping the design with it....
There was a time when we first started filming where I really thought we were going to have a minimal amount of blood. Then when we shot it and Toni was sort of pirouetting out of view and we thought, let's green screen her arms so we can do something with that down the line. We started to back up, we added some blood and then we added more blood. And then one day, we decided, what does it look like if the blood spurts out all over the place? Then, suddenly, it's like, let's have the blood hurtling out of the holes of the thing like a fire barge shooting fountains of water. We all just started laughing and it just became this giggly, over-the-top moment of bloodletting."

Giggly! Yes, Dan! That's what we're here for, and I wish he'd had this revelation sooner in the shooting process, because most of the rest of it needs this sweet Guignol oomph. Gilroy name-drops the Final Destination series in this same interview but I'm not sure he's actually seen those movies, given his timidity towards true grotesquerie. Still I will admit that this scene being a Roman Holiday shout-out at heart is pretty effing hysterical...

Classic. Still as much fun as this Velvet Buzzsaw death sequence is it's its nasty punchline that makes it something truly special, when Toni Collette's body gets left in place as part of the art installation in the morning by a clueless security guard, and a bunch of school-children stomp around in her blood...

This brings to mind two things. First it brings to mind that story from 2015 where a woman got stabbed during the Art Basel art fair in Miami and everybody there watching it happen thought they were witnessing performance art. Velvet Buzzsaw actually opens at Art Basel so I'm guessing that story was an inspiration to Gilroy, although I haven't heard him mention it in any interviews.

And second it brings to mind a more obscure story, one that I had a personal interaction with -- in late September of 2006 a man's dead body was discovered in Greenwich Village here in NYC dressed up in full gimp-wear and tied to a fence. Because it was late September a ton of people saw the body there that morning but thought it was a bizarre Halloween decoration of some sort, and so they ignored it. The body hung there for a couple of hours before anybody called the police! Anyway my personal connection to this story was it happened right across the street from my office at the time, and even though I know I didn't personally see the body myself - this all happened early in the morning before I would've been at work - my brain has convinced me that I did see the body; I can actually see it in my mind. Which is strange, but brains are strange... mine maybe more than most.

Previous Ways Not To Die: Ladies Who Lunched -- Tasting the Black Sperm of Vengeance -- Chucky's First Victim -- Smoking Kills -- Conk Goes The Boyfriend -- No You're The Puppet -- Killer Looks -- Dumb Blonde in a Box -- Dinner For Two -- Grab the Bull By the Horns -- Shoot Me Jonathan Tucker -- Dressed Down -- Killin' Nazis -- Keep Your Eyes on the Pies -- Sleep Tight -- How Much is the Peyton Out the Window -- It Takes Guts -- Buns Up -- Body Snatcher Bullseye -- Kibbles & Bits -- What's In The Basket -- A Bad Case of Bed Head -- The Last Airbender -- Loose Hips Sink Dips --Bunny Oblivion -- Railroaded -- Man vs Harpoon -- Beam Me Down -- Touchdown to Terror -- Lucy Loses Her Head -- Goo Gone -- Jake Fully Loaded -- Time Stops For One Man -- They Shoot Actresses Don't They -- Chop Top -- Paint Me Like One Of Your Dead Girls -- Doggy Puddle -- A Present of Violence -- Backseat Die-r -- Supermarket Reaped -- Jungle Boogied -- In the Hallway with the Candlestick -- This is Not the Blonde You Are Looking For -- The Sting -- Blue Mooned -- Pray For Death. -- I Want To Die! -- Come and Knock on My Face -- All Dolled Up -- Tomahawk Justice -- Sleep It Off -- The Fall Guy -- Catricide -- Rumbling in my Tummy -- Fuzzy Wuzzy Was A Monster -- Split End-- That Darn Dame -- Board Now -- Signed By The Zodiac -- Damsel in Da' Street -- Whispers of a Mad-Man -- Peek-a-Boom -- Precious Miseries -- A Triple Salchow Before Dying -- Night Nurse -- Don't Be Greedo -- The Hand That Rocks The Greenhouse -- Jacked Up -- The Big Squeeze -- Say My Name -- Silver Shamrock -- As The Wine Turns -- sleepytime --  Eat Crow -- An Un Made Man -- Bear Topped --When Your Hoop Dreams Become Your Hoop Nightmares -- Ungodly Grabbers -- Head Today Gone Tomorrow -- Something... Happened -- Phone Jacked -- Poker Face -- Not Ready For This Jelly --World's Greatest DEAD -- Swiss Miss Meteor Strike -- The Whim of a Mads Man -- Big Wheeled -- Deep Red -- Bunny Petit -- Ding Dong Going Down -- The Headless Hitchcock -- Oops I Dropped The Soap --Mary had A Little Slam -- The Beast With Too Backstabbed -- Wrath of the Merman -- Stomach Bug --Something Icky This Way Comes -- Dagon It -- The Passion of Margaret White -- Worm Food -- Kim Jong Kill -- Harkonnen A Vagrant -- A Little Off The Top -- Laid Out By Lamas -- 1 2 3 Dandy -- One Ringy-Dingy Two Ringy-Dingy Die Ringy-Dingy -- Nanny Slam -- Forced Head -- A Wolf at the Door -- X-Ray'd -- Helen Helen Helen -- Bad Robot -- Giggle Gassed -- Dark Meet -- The Lady in the Iron Mask --Croaked -- Exit Stage Crazy -- Cold Cocked By Colin Farrell --  Comb Over -- Wishing You Happy Father's Day -- Bright Light Bright Light -- Flame With Ash Highlights -- Don't Spoke Unless Stuck Onto-- Teen Angst Bullshit -- Come What May (Day) -- Dodge This -- The Dead Knock At Dawn -- A Gentlemenly Sacrifice -- Spade & Neutered -- Flambe By Vincent -- L.O.O.K.E.R Over -- Something in the Fog -- Polly Wants A Scalpel -- Major Swirly -- White Meat Dark Meat -- Oh Dae-su You Devil --Unto Darkness Delivered -- A Hammock Built For Slew -- Venom Down -- Worm Turned -- This Anaconda Do Want Some -- Cereal Murdered -- Deady Dearest -- Spotted Dick -- Chinatown Syndrome-- Feeling the Fury -- Blank With the Blank in the Blank -- Kill the Cook -- You be The Steeple -- Boiled Bashed Stabbed & Gassed -- Iced Princess -- Straight Razor Symphony -- Prey For Mantis -- Talos Unplugged -- A Mysterious Raptoring -- Mad Monkey Robo Rampage -- Give Me Liberty, Or... -- Horns of Plenty... Dead! -- Mistress-And-Run -- Wolverine Interrupted -- Who Let The Guts Out -- Zzzapped Innards-Side-Out -- Bad Romance -- Twas Beauty (And Also Aeroplanes) -- Bad Head -- Valentine's Day Massacred -- Belly Buster -- For Being Not The Babysitter -- Splat In Slo-Mo -- To Be Dis-Continued --For Being Mouthy -- Do You Smell What Billy's Mom Is Cooking -- The Milk Done Gone Bad -- An Inability To Stop Drop and Roll -- Bug Sprayed -- Extreme Makeover: Leatherface Edition -- Window Seat Suck -- Razor Bunting -- Stabbed Thru The Heart And Witches Are To Blame -- Shark Kibble -- Is That a Straight Razor In Your Trunks Or Are You Just Happy To See Me -- Bad Dates -- Fry Guy'd --Super Battle Bystander Shrapnel Shred -- Staring Contest of the Dead -- Satanic Self Sacrifice -- Fist and Fortune -- Psychedelic Penis Slice To Window Toss -- For Crimes Against Accent -- Sacked -- Speed Bumped For Traffic Spikes -- Shark Versus Jet-Ski -- Hot Oil Treatment -- Tucked In By Jason -- Just A Pair of Snowbodies -- Poison Pellet Kibble Swap -- Dolly Disassembled -- Fire Escape Fall Out -- Unbuggered -- Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent'cha -- Blue Man Gooped -- Tongue Stung -- Now Wouldn't Cha, Barracuda? -- Leaving on a Rat Plane -- Panthers! -- Fashion Faux-Pwned -- "It's Just A Box." -- Blasted Pigeons -- Taunting Ahnuld -- The Too Hot Tub -- Beyond the Veil -- Sunken Prayers-- Super Crack -- Brains Blown -- Fur For The Boogens -- White Hot Bunny Rabbit Rage --Dragged To Hell -- The TV Van That Dripped Blood -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Heads Ahoy --Martyred For Sheep -- Heads Nor Tails -- He Loves Me Knot -- The Great Bouncing Brad --Miss Kitty's 8 Mishaps -- Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed --Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run-- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance-- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry --Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 --Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye --Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away --Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door-- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue-- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!!-- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded --Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare --Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head

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