"Ah, look there - Lance Rocke! Greek god and part-time actor. See how well he performs? His is a special talent. The golden hair, the bedroom eyes, the firm young body. These are the tools with which he plies his trade. All are available for a price..." But a price paid after the jump, of course...
Go back and look at the reviews for the the Bette Midler & Shelley Long buddy comedy Outrageous Fortune in 1987. Not good. Roger Ebert said, "This is a movie that has its commercial concept written all over it; it's so painstakingly crafted as a product that the messy spontaneity of life is rarely allowed to interrupt." Or go back and look at the reviews for the also-starring-Shelley comedy Troop Beverly Hills two years later... not good. Also Ebert: "Nobody within a mile of this project seems to have possessed an ounce of irony."
You know what movies I've watched a million times from the 80s? Outrageous Fortune and Troop Beverly Hills. And it seems pretty clear that the folks who made Snatched, the new Amy Schumer action-comedy with Goldie Hawn playing Amy's mom, have watched the fuck out of those movies too. (You should add in a heaping extra helping of Romancing the Stone while we're at it.)
I'm not making the case that "critics suck and you shouldn't listen to them" here. I mean, obviously. I am writing a review myself. I just think it's nice to think of the little girls and gay boys of today, and their whatever gendered like-minded kin, having their own Outrageous Fortunes -- these movies are dumb and broad and sappy as hell, but they're OUR dumb and broad and sappy as hell, and the multiplex is so exhaustingly self-serious with superhero robot apocalypse cock contests if I wanna sneak into the other theater to laugh at a reaction shot from a kitty cat once in awhile I should goddamned well be able to do that shit.
So no, Snatched isn't going to change the world. I'm sorry to tell you that. Go watch the 20th Pirates of the Caribbean or Transformers movies to get your dick good and sucked. But Snatched does have a couple of scenes that made me double over with laughter, it's got a hot guy to ogle, and there's a sweetness and a a comradery between Schumer & Hawn, two goofy golden gals, that's refreshing and still far far too rare on-screen. (Plus Wanda Sykes! And Joan Cusack! And Joan Cusack parkour sight-gags!) It's a light ninety minutes of goofy golden fun. And you can bet if this thing's on TV in the future me and my like-minded brethren will stop the channel and get caught up in its goofy golden ass all over again.
It's that time again - the time to contemplate time! Namely the time that my phone tells me - this morning I asked my iPhone to pick me a number between 1 and 100 and it picked "70." So 1970 it is. That's the third time it's gone for the 1970s in this series of posts - somebody's a big fan of that New Hollywood Golden Age of Cinema that birthed Scorsese & Spielberg alike. But we're at the start of the decade this time-around, so the movies & movie-makers feel as much a part of the 60s as they do this new dawn. Ramble ramble, let's do it, here are...
Runners-up:The Music Lovers (dir. Ken Russell), El Topo (dir. Alejandro Jodorowsky), Multiple Maniacs(dir. John Waters), Why Does Herr R. Run Amok? (dir. Fassbinder), The Boys in the Band (dir. Friedkin), The Vampire Lovers (dir. Roy Ward Baker)
You know how Roger Ebert once wrote about the forgotten Elijah Wood trifle North, "I hated this movie. Hated hated hated hated hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simpering stupid vacant audience-insulting moment of it." That review's probably better remembered than the movie so you probably do remember. Yeah... that. Get bent, Danish Girl.
--- Mad Women - Variety dropped the first picture from the 3rd season of Penny Dreadful, which will be back some time in 2016 (it usually airs in the Fall doesn't it?) and in it we see our best girl Eva Green and the return of Patti Lupone, so so good in the 2nd season, although she is supposedly playing a new character this year? Oh, you. Anyway I'll never knock getting to look at Eva but I also wouldn't mind a picture of Josh Hartnett & Harry Treadaway making out, if they feel up to it. Speaking of Harry there's a lovely photo-shoot of him over here that I keep forgetting to link to. He so pretty. (thanks Mac)
.
--- To Be Bernadette - I wasn't the world's biggest Boyhood
fan - Richard Linklater's extreeemely hit-or-miss for me, much more
than he seems to be for most other movie-loving folks on the internet. I
appreciate his low-key intellectual aesthetic more than I end up
actually enjoying his movies, most of the time. (Weirdly I think his
film Bernie might be my favorite thing of his?) Anyway the fact that he might be lining up a movie with Cate Blanchett, well that perks my ears up anyway. They might be teaming up for an adaptation of the book Where'd You Go, Bernadette, which is about a teenage girl and her agoraphobic mother that vanishes. Anybody read the book?
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--- Diversity's For Pussies - Rumors are swirling that there will be two big roles for the fairer sex in the third Thor
movie -- apparently the character of Valkyrie will be appearing, and
also there will be a big female villain rearing her head. That link
theorizes this to mean either "Amora the Enchantress, a sorceress; or
Hela, Queen of the Dead." Obviously they should go with Hela, seen to
the left there, because every actress in Hollywood is just dying to wear
that outfit on-screen. Sheesh. Well maybe they'll make Thor's costume
sluttier too. Why Chris Hemsworth is so covered up in these
movies I will never ever never understand.
.
--- Haynes For Him - In a few days the Film Society of Lincoln Center's retrospective of Todd Haynes movies starts up (I've talked about it
a couple of times; I am naturally enthusiastic!) and as a preview Nick
Davis - yes Nick from The Film Experience's podcast - got to chat with Haynes himself at Film Comment
about all the movies getting screened, specifically why he chose the
pairings he did. His story about Roger Ebert is pretty classic! I refuse
to believe that the "secret screening" won't be the Karen Carpenter
movie. I was looking around and he screened it in Austin just a couple
of years ago - there is precedent!
.
--- Always Bet On Chan - Talk about an upgrade! Doug Liman, the director of Go, is taking over Channing Tatum's Gambit movie after Rupert Wyatt, the director of The Gambler remake, dropped out. Wyatt did direct the Planet of the Apes sequel,
which was just fine, but Liman's, like, way more impressive. Anyway I
still feel like the character of Gambit will seem silly in a movie but
maybe they'll find a way to make killer playing cards or whatever a
thrill. If all else fails Channing can flash his ass and I'll stop
caring about all else. . --- Stop Motion My Heart - I'm really just counting the minutes until I get to see Charlie Kaufman's stop-motion-animated Anomolisa at this point (it's a lot of minutes, way more than I appreciate). Mostly the reviews have been outta sight but I'm really trying to manage my expectations... but the way I adore Synechdoche... it ain't happening. Anyway here's a new interview with Charlie; I've only read a little bit, I'm saving the rest for lunch but he talks about what happened with his aborted Hollywood musical Frank or Francis some. .
--- Bloggy Bunches - Here's a quick round-up of a couple of things blog-friends did recently - my pal Joe ranked the performances on Scream Queens and I think he might be dead on. (Y'all know my love for Chad Radwell runs deep.) Meanwhile over at The Film Experience Margaret gave us a list of reasons to see The Lobster (of which my love also runs deep - this list could be 10,000 items long), and Manuel listed some of the best gay sex that HBO has produced over the years. Forever Yes to Eric & Jason's Wet Dream. . --- Special Friends - Over at The Film Stage they've got the first image and the first poster for Jeff "Take Shelter" Nichols new movie Midnight Special with his go-to Michael Shannon and new friends Joel Edgerton and Adam Driver and Kirsten Dunst. Hooray for Kirsten working with great directors - she's got fine taste, you can just tell from who she seeks out. . --- And Finally like the Kaufman interview above I am also saving this for my pleasure at a further time, but let's slap it here in my sight-line so I actually remember - The Playlist shares that Frame By Frame did a video essay comparing Guillermo Del Toro's gloriousCrimson Peak to the films of Mario bava, and clearly this is a thing I am interested in. Watch: .
.
Happy Friday the 13th, folks! We know we did a Ways Not To Die yesterday for our usual Thursday edition but today being a very special holiday we're doing a very special bonus edition, cuz why not. I hadn't planned on this, and you shouldn't get used to such bounty, but what the heck, when in Rome...
Uh oh I think somebody's tippy-toeing up to your shower, dude. This scene from Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter goes well with yesterday's Hitchcock theme anyway, since Shower Deaths are always but always a riff on Psycho; it's just inevitable.
Doug (Peter Barton) is pretty cute though, right? He's not my favorite of All the Friday Fellas (in fact he's not even my favorite of the guys in this specific sequel: be still my heart for Crispin Glover) but I do remember this scene giving me a thrill when I was a young teen. (Yeah yeah no wonder I'm so screwed up, et cetera et cetera).
It's not like the film wasn't calling out to me though...
... with it's "dropping the soap" gags. But I don't think
I love that this is how Tim Burton treats Martin Landau
after he wins his Oscar. The (exposed) nerve!
So yesterday marked the 15th anniversary of the release of Burton's last great movie. Oh sure there are some good things he's given us since then - Eva Green in Dark Shadows, for example - but Sleepy Hollow is the last movie of his I like without reservation. It's just so pretty, you guys...
... I really want to live in the Hammer-fied sound-stages of this movie, all low fog and artificial skies. It's weird, my one memory of the movie's reception at the time is of people complaining about Burton's lovingly detailed renderings of neck stumps...
... as if a movie about the Headless Horseman should avoid such unsavoriness. Good grief, people. (Sidenote: it's also, give or take this moment, the last time I found Johnny Depp attractive in a movie, for what that's worth.) Anyway regarding the violence I like this quote from Roger Ebert's review:
"There's a lot of gore (the movie deserves its R rating), but it's not mean gore, if you know what I mean--it's gore dictated by the sad fate of the Headless Horseman."
It's kind of crazy looking back on it that the studio let this movie get released with an R rating; that would never happen today. They'd have shaved it down more than Chris Walken's teeth.
(Hit the jump for links to the rest of the Ways Not To Die)
"I too quit smoking (2013) AND find this type of pictures cool. Also, PSA: if you're feeling like you want to start smoking again, just remind yourself "I do not want my body and house to stink like stale horseshit", then go drink one more glass of water to entertain your hands and lips. Congrats, btw."
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