Just when you thought movies couldn't get worse than the first Five Nights at Freddy's was, along some the sequel to say "Wait hold up just a goddamned second you say you want one hundred of your minutes ripped violently out of your life with no recourse? We gotcha covered!" Well guess what, Five Nights at Freddy's 2 -- I became a movie critic just so I could have recourse, bitch! Small satisfaction, sure, but hey it's something. The thing that's so annoying about this franchise is the idea is fun and the animatronic monsters are superbly designed (thank you Jim Henson's Creature Shop) and I keep thinking they'll do something with this. Director Emma Tammi even made a wonderful horror movie called The Wind back in 2018. But these movies are so absurdly tedious, so deathly dull, so flat and ugly and boring and offensively dumb, I refuse to believe there's even anybody standing behind the camera. I could be convinced the camera was set up inside an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese, turned on by a breeze, and then just left there to capture whatever. Gently drifting spiderwebs would be more fascinating. These movies are cruel and vulgar tricks -- some real Lucy-yanking-the-football shit. And they didn't even give the Killer Cupcake anything to do in this one! Fuck outta here.
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16 comments:
You need a different job because your not very good at being a critic
"you're"
Being versed in the lore and story within the games, I can't say I'm surprised that Scott's poor writing translated to the big screen. Still, a more hopeful part of me held on, hoping for that first game's lightning in a bottle to appear.
Frustrating, but not surprising. Good luck with the box office masses.
Your "review" sounds more like a teenager trying to be cool and edgy by shoving in random swear words. It's clear that you just went on a rant out of spite and not because you actually cared enough to write a meaningful review, with feedback instead of hate.
Great response
A critic in the same way I'm a PI
I too became a film critic to write total slop
I got 50 mins into the first one and realised this is not going to get any better and Josh Hutcherson just wasn't trying,top marks for sfx bottom marks for anything remotely entertaining,i'm not seeing it after being burned by the 4th Conjuring movie this year already.
My Brother in Christ your review is more tasteless than anything I have seen yet of this franchise
Unprofessional conduct in my view
To be fair, the movie besides the visuals didin t have any good character writing, and only thing moving the "plot" forward is Abby whitch isn t even enjoyable to watch...
Bro got so offended that a movie with a goofy concept can be unserious that he became a "critic"
it’s based off of a huge video game and book series; perhaps learn about the story before degrading a movie that was based off of these.
It's hilarious that people are getting all upset over a negative review of a film called Five Nights at Freddy's 2, haha. Maybe your names are Freddy? You would have blown arteries back in the day when Freddy Got Fingered got universally trashed. I love you Jason, and I kinda liked Five Nights at Freddy's 2, but I also get why you hated it. If anyone really loves this film enough, write your own review. Start your own website and praise it. Do something positive that puts your good intentions towards this film out into the world.
If you played the game you would understand the plot
The only thing that's soulless here is your review. There are many bad things about this movie, but it is anything but "flat and ugly". There was a ton of effort put in and you could've definetly noticed that if you paid even the slightest bit of attention to the movie that is playing on the big screen right in front of you. Besides, it seems to me you've only made this review out of spite, not because you cared enough to actually criticize the movie. Because the more I read this review the more I start to think you asked AI what is going on in the movie. "The camera was set up inside an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese and turned on by a breeze". First of all, more than half of the movie takes place outside. "They didn't even give the killer cupcake anything to do in this one." My guy, there are more than 11 animatronics in the movie, more than 5 important human characters. The movie already struggles to give enough screen time to all of them and you want the cupcake, I repeat, THE CUPCAKE, to bite another side character's face off. Another thing, the movie is anything but boring, the latter half, - especially the ending - altough some parts of it being quite laughable (like the avengers-ass ending) it was really entertaining. Have you ever seen a movie where a robot gets thrown off a car into the house of an elderly couple? I sure never did.
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