Wednesday, June 05, 2019

Good Morning, World

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I included that shot of "Janice" (Leah Ayres) waking up the morning after a night spent with "Frank Dux" (yes really that is Jean Claude's character's name in Bloodsport) to happily gaze upon his perfectly framed ass -- to get comfortable, take it all in -- because it brings me right back to being 11 and being forced to watch shitty action movies with my Dad, and these magic moments where it all seemed worthwhile. Janice is basically the only female character in Bloodsport, which is far more concerned with greasy half-naked rubbing on each other for other's men's eyes than it is with women and romance, but this moment of the female gaze inserted all of a sudden into its otherwise preoccupied self fascinates me. 

The reason I was way into Jean-Claude's films was these moments are in every single one of his films -- more than Arnold or Sly (although they too had their moments) JCVD invited the viewer to luxuriate his physique; he liked the attention to be specifically sexual, whereas the other dudes (well Swayze excepted I guess, although Road House aside he didn't do a lot of Capital A Action Flicks) were mostly about being impressive walls of mass that bullets bounced off of. Jean-Claude bled, and Jean-Claude screwed, and we were all the better for it. (Bloodsport is on Amazon Prime.)


Tuesday, June 04, 2019

5 Off My Head: Siri Says 1994

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Okay it's been awhile since we've done one of our "Siri Says" series -- I take longer breaks in between each so I can make this last, since we're running out of possible years now, and also I get lazy -- so let me re-explain the idea: I pick up my iPhone and I ask Siri to choose me a number between 1 and 100. The number she gives me I then correspond to a year, and I pick my five favorite movies from that year. Today Siri told me the number "94" and so today we shall take a look at The Movies of 1994.

I'm actually pretty surprised that we haven't covered 1994 in this series yet -- sure Siri's fickle, but 1994 is one of those formative years in my movie-obsessing, and I'm glad to get the chance to look at it now. I was working in the home video department of the local Wegmans grocery store and devouring every video-tape I could get my hands on -- to the kiddies out there, this was what we did in the 90s, especially in the year Quentin Tarantino made Pulp Fiction, you see. 

Scanning through the movies for that year my first thought was wow, a lot of these have not aged well -- yes I'm looking at you, Forrest Gump -- but once I dove down into the cracks of it a whole lotta awesome bubbled up to the surface. And even the bad movies from this time period left a pretty indelible mark on me about what the movies mean, good and ill. So let's do it. I hereby give you...

My 5 Favorite Movies of 1994

(dir. PJ Hogan)
-- released on September 29th 1994 --

(dir. Peter Jackson)
-- released on October 14th 1994 --

(dir. Steve James)
-- released on October 14th 1994 --

(dir. Tim Burton)
-- released on October 7th 1994 --
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(dir. John Waters)
-- released on April 13th 1994 --

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Runners-up: The Lion King (dir. Minhoff), Speed (dir. Jan de Bont), Dumb and Dumber (dir. Farrellys), Interview With the Vampire (dir. Neil Jordan), Pulp Fiction (dir. Tarantino), Bullets Over Broadway (dir. Woody Allen), Reality Bites (dir. Ben Stiller)...

... Natural Born Killers (dir. Oliver Stone), Quiz Show (dir. Robert Redford), Jason's Lyric (dir. Doug McHenry), Wes Craven's New Nightmare (dir. Craven), Little Women (dir. Gillian Armstrong), 71 Fragments of a Chronology of a Chance (dir. Michael Haneke)...

... The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert (dir. Stephan Elliott), Chungking Express (dir. Wong Kar-wai), Crumb (dir. Terry Zwigoff), The Last Seduction (dir. John Dahl), Nightwatch (dir. Ole Bornedal), Leon: The Professional (dir. Besson), Priest (dir. Antonia Bird)...

... Shallow Grave (dir. Danny Boyle), Three Colors: White (dir. Kieslowski), Three Colors: Red (dir. Kieslowski), To Live (dir. Zhang Yimou), The Shawshank Redemption (dir. Frank Darabont), The Hudsucker Proxy (dir. Coens)

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Never seen: Crooklyn (dir. Spike Lee), Tom & Viv (dir. Gilbert), Wolf (dir. Mike Nichols), The Madness of King George (dir. Hytner), Ashes of Time (dir. Wong Kar-wai), Backbeat (dir. Iain Softley)...

...... Amateur (dir. Hal Hartley), Eat Drink Man Woman (dir. Ang Lee), Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle (dir. Alan Rudolph), Once Were Warriors (dir. Lee Tamahori), Queen Margot (dir. Patrice Chereau), Vanya on 42nd Street (dir. Louis Malle) 

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What are your favorite movies of 1994?
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Pic of the Day

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Just 28 days until release and Marvel has released yet another official picture of Jake Gyllenhaal in his Mysterio costume for the Spider-Man: Far From Home movie... and it immediately struck me as somehow familiar. And I've been staring at Jake for so long and for so hard that it only took me about ten seconds to cycle through my encyclopedic memory of All Things Gyllenhaal before I realized what it was that that pose was reminding me of...

... was this moment here from his 2010 rom-com Love and Other Drugs. And I think you'll now appreciate why that's one that's burned fairly firmly into my hard-wiring. (I keep using the words "firm" and "hard" how funny! See more from that LAOD scene in this old post.) Anyway here's to hoping that below the frame the Mysterio we see up top has also wandered out of his space-room sans trousers, cuz that's what the next phase of the MCU is really needing to take it to the next level, if you ask me...
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The Poster For Midgay I Mean Midway

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Given the cast that openly gay blockbuster director Roland Emmerich has (putting the ass in)  assembled for Midway, his big-screen telling of the 1942 WWII battle -- which includes Luke Evans and Woody Harrelson and Patrick Wilson and Ed Skrein and Alexander Ludwig and Nick Jonas and Darren Criss and Aaron Eckhart and those are just the name actors, check out the whole twink-full list here --  you'd think that the first poster for the film (via) might look more like a greasy beefcake scene from infamous annual Herndon Monument naval academy pole-climb. Something like...

Maybe they're saving that for closer to its 
release date? Midway is out on November 8th.
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Domino in 150 Words or Less

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I know we're all tired of the "Define Camp" conversations by now -- we were all tired of them weeks ago, really -- but I usually only start finding things funny the second they have become absolutely exhausted beyond recognition (see also the crush I developed on Shia LaBeouf only in the past couple of years), which... well, is kind of Camp now that I think about it. Life is a flat circle and once we get around to the butt-end of it, almost back to where we started, is when I finally chuckle. The absurdity of finally giving in. Anyway my point is Carice Van Houten saving the day in Brian De Palma's new film Domino by drop-kicking in the gunt a terrorist waiting for the go signal from a drone during a bullfight before he blows everybody up with his soda-can bomb is the definition of Camp, full stop.
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Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... getting my hands dirty with Mena Massoud.

I still haven't seen Guy Ritchie's Aladdin re-do -- have you? Spoiler alert: I will probably never see Guy Ritchie's Aladdin re-do, at least not until it's available for home-viewing and I am feeling especially bored and stupid. Which happens often. So never say never. That said I also still haven't posted Mena's photo-shoot here for Man About Town magazine, which came out awhile back, so I'm gonna fix at least one of these things right this second. (I did post post a different photo-shoot a couple weeks back though.) Hit the jump for the rest of these...

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

The Women (1939)
Exercise Instructress: Let's begin with posture.
A lady always enters a room erect.
Sylvia: Most of my friends exit horizontally.

Is the gayest thing about The Women the fact that that character is called the "Exercise Instructress" or what? That's a trick question: Everything is the gayest thing about The Women. Oh George Cukor, you nelly thing. Anyway speaking of nelly things we're wishing that great broad Rosalind Russell a happy birthday today -- she was born this day in the year 1907. What's your favorite Rosalind Russell performance? Is there any answer that isn't either His Girl Friday or Auntie Mame?


Five Frames From ?

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What movie is this?
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Good Morning, World

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I'm not awake yet.
Here's Matt Bomer taking a shower.
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Monday, June 03, 2019

Let's Do the Tim Curry Again

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In honor of Pride Month I'm going to be celebrating some of my favorite gay movies with this month's "Beauty vs Beast" polls over at The Film Experience, starting today with the camp horror fantasia of the Rocky Horror Picture Show -- click on over to cast your vote! And let me add here that I have never seen Rocky Horror in the theater as an interactive experience. Have you? Don't they molest virgins? I could never.
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I Remember Ma

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If you're an older woman, older women are always having a moment -- it's not a moment, it's reality. But Pop Culture usually doesn't have eyes for those moments, and so it's in terms of Pop Culture that I speak when I say here and now that Older Woman seem to be having A Moment. Ma might not have been the number one movie of the weekend but dollar for dollar it's probably the most successful, tripling its teensy tiny budget, and so it must be said -- step aside Mothra, Octavia Spencer is the queen of the weekend box office.

But what is this moment? Before Ma I saw the trailer for the new Terminator film, and the return of kick-ass Linda Hamilton drew applause; funnily enough I just happened to be watching Ma in the exact same theater where I saw the latest Halloween film last fall, which brought original "Laurie Strode" Jamie Lee Curtis back to kick some of her own ass -- active living post-Activia.

Those two are tied to nostalgia obviously, but beyond that their return at this period in time feels notable, feels of This Moment of which I speak. And Ma, in the way of all base-minded mainstream horror films, the ones that whether they know they're doing it or not feed on our broadest cultural anxieties, feels like a bit of a definitive wrestle with our moment's preeminent themes. 

What if I told you I was making a movie about a woman who was constantly rejected for not being cool enough -- for being a square who always seems as if she's faking it. She's not genuine. She's not, dare I say, authentic. She has moments where she comes across as, I don't know, what the word, shrill perhaps? If she tries to look pretty she's ridiculed. She's nasty. A try-hard. Robotic. Cold. Crazy. She laughs too loud. What is she wearing? Why am I even being forced to look at this old broad anyway? I just want to kiss my hot sexy young girlfriend and chug beers with all of Kavanaugh's friends, goddamn.

The most tense moment watching Ma for me was the moment when Octavia Spencer sits down at a mirror and starts applying make-up. These are always the moments in these films where the movie laughs right in the faces of these women for trying -- where they become Baby Jane grotesqueries, smacking their dry lips together in a haunted pantomime of femininity turned to dust and decay. Who could love a thing like that, they seem to say? Old Women are terrifying and gross, yuck! Kill it with fire!

Ma isn't a revolution and it kinda remains one of those movies at heart, but Octavia Spencer and director Tate Taylor do yank at those threads and undo them a little. Spencer is too good an actress not to give Sue Ann -- "Ma" is only a nickname, and the script's own waffling in what it calls the character represents, I think, a purposeful confusion of who gets to shape whose story -- boundless humanity in those great big eyes of her, and so when Sue Ann sits down in the mirror and puts on some lipstick the movie doesn't laugh at her. She looks lovely. She's Carrie White all grown up -- nowadays it seems Carrie White finally gets to grow up! -- and so when the nasty characters on screen do end up laughing at her, well, we wince. Respect her or suffer fools, gladly.

Ma is superficially ninety minutes of ridiculousness and fun, a goof where Missi Pyle gets plowed over for a lark and Luke Evans' peekaboo cock is put to excellent prop use; where a lewdly photographed teenage boy does a gratuitous striptease and Allison Janney gets put in a dog cage. And yet I bet that in the long run it ends up saying more about us at this moment in time than a dozen more "important" stories that speak of Serious Things will; I'd take Octavia Spencer in a prom dress yanking dog collared brats over last year's Oscar Winner any day forever, anyway.


Timothy Olyphant Six Times

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I wished Timothy a happy birthday a couple of weeks back and said I intended to watch Deadwood for the first time shortly -- well I haven't gotten around to it yet. I got all caught up in the trashy spectacle of Renée Zellweger's show What/If on Netflix (god it's trash but I couldn't stop watching it -- I needed a new Revenge in my life clearly) and now I'm one episode into Chernobyl and one thousand percent hooked on that unholy terror...
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So Deadwood's on hold for the moment. But I'm aware the Deadwood movie aired, so if y'all want to tell me whether the movie did the show good service, do so in the comments. These pictures here go along with a big ol' chat with Tim in the new issue of GQ, read that here, and then hit the jump for the rest of the photos...

An Oscar For David Lynch

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I rant and I rave against the Oscars, I know I do, and with good reason -- it's not just that they often award terrible things, but more that giving prizes for something as subjective as art is wholly ridiculous -- but no matter how silly I find them when they do something really very right (as I personally see it -- again with the subjectivity!) I can't help but get a little giddy. And so it goes with today's news that the greatest living film director David Lynch is one of the recipients of this year's Honorary Oscars. His time for a competitive Oscar has probably passed -- he hasn't been nominated since Mulholland Drive in 2002 and honestly it's pretty nuts he was nominated for that anyway, but he's only gotten weirder since. Who knows if he'll even make another feature film at this point? The man is 73. The fact that we got 18 hours of new Twin Peaks is astonishing enough; I'm not pushing my luck. The other folks getting Honorary Oscars this year are the actor Wes Studi and the director Lina Wertmüller, while our beloved Geena Davis is getting the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award. A great crew this time around.
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Bat and the Boys

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Not long after I asked you guys last week to vote on who you'd pick as your Batman between Robert Pattinson and Nicholas Hoult did the news come that Pattinson was officially official this time -- kinda like last time, only more so. So that's that! Rob might be losing that poll of ours to Nick but it don't matter, he's the one, y'all need to prepare your bodies for it now. (I use tidy wipes when I need to prepare my body.) 

Anyway over the weekend I caught the trailer for Joaquin Phoenix's Joker film on the big screen before Godzilla and this raised me a question -- do we think or know whether that film and Pattinson's Batman will exist in the same universe? They're clearly separate from the current and ongoing iterations of Wonder Woman and Aquaman and Suicide Squad, since those all involved Ben Affleck's Batman... right? So DC's just giving up on the Marvel template then?
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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:


X: Empty salons. Corridors. Salons. Doors. Doors. Salons. Empty chairs, deep armchairs, thick carpets. Heavy hangings. Stairs, steps. Steps, one after the other. Glass objects, objects still intact, empty glasses. A glass that falls, three, two, one, zero. Glass partition, letters.

The great filmmaker Alain Resnais was born 97 years ago today! I only just finally saw Marienbad about a year or two ago for the first time -- I don't know what took me so damn long. When I did my list of "Favorite 1961 Movies" and realized I'd never seen it I finally shamed myself into it. Anyway I assume it's fine to say, I feel no shame in saying, that I was totally perplexed by it. Not in a negative way, but a fascinated one -- it's hypnotic but if you asked me to explain it right now I'd probably be at a loss. It felt like a dream. One I feel will, with revisits over the years, always seem a little bit different. Any fans?
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Happy 14 to MNPP

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Yesterday was the 14th anniversary of this here website o' mine My New Plaid Pants -- above you see the moment Jake Gyllenhaal read that news in his friendly neighborhood newspaper. It made him smile. It makes us all smile! And while I have you smiling, in case you missed my begging on Twitter yesterday this is the one day of the year (well two now since I was too lazy to sit down and write this post on my day off, but whatever) where I allow myself to openly prod for donations, which you can give right here at this link. I mean there's a donation link in the right-hand side-bar too so I suppose I am always technically asking, but I really need to stop picking holes in my arguments while I make them and just say, "Hello. I work hard on this site and make absolutely no money for it. If you've enjoyed it, if I have brought you pleasure, why not throw a cent or ten my way?" Okay back to the regularly scheduled beefcake. Thanks for listening, and extra special thanks to all the kind and generous folks who already contributed yesterday! (pics via)


Five Frames From ?

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What movie is this?
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Good Morning, World

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Sure sure we ended last week with Richard Madden, it might be a bit much to begin the new one that way... but have you seen Richard Madden? Exactly. I hope you did all see Richard Madden this weekend actually, since I told you Rocketman was fun and that you should see it. I hope you listened! These shots aren't from Rocketman, they're from his 2018 comedy called Ibiza with Gillian Jacobs -- I haven't seen it but it's streaming on Netflix so perhaps I shall soon! Perhaps! Mayhaps, even. Sigh. Leave me alone, it's Monday morning, and real wit waits til Monday afternoon. Anyway didja read Richie's interview with the New York Times? He finally addresses those (bless you for asking, Kyle) rumors about his relationship with Brandon Flynn, and he doesn't say no...