Thursday, December 24, 2020

Merry Xmas

 ... from Kit Harington & Xavier Dolan 
(and oh right, me).

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

A Kiss Can Be Even Deadlier...

Around 1pm this afternoon my brain took a long hard look at me sitting here at my desk, said, "Fuck you, sucker," packed its bags and skedaddled. Oh well! I figured today would be a wash -- last day before a break usually is. And here's where I usually say, Ohh sure there's a chance I might pop in... and then I never do it. So I'm just gonna set aside the bullshit this one time, we've had enough in 2020 -- real talk, MNPP's gonna be in mothballs until January 3rd when I'm back and better than whatever! 

But that doesn't mean there's nothing to read. I'll no doubt be tweeting for one (god forbid I break that disgusting habit), and for another there are 15 full years of rambling content just sitting there in our archives. You can choose from many a topic over there on the site's right-hand column, ranging from posts about Jake Gyllenhaal's chest hair to posts about Jake Gyllenhaal's butt, and everything in between. 

Oh and while you're over there in the right-hand column I'll remind y'all that we've got a "Donate" button perched there too -- I thankfully don't have to survive off of this website (oh my god I'd be so dead) but tips always feel like lil' nods of encouragement (I'm capitalist that way) and are deeply appreciated every damn time. As are nice comments! You can leave some of them here too. I'd love most especially to hear what you're watching over the holidays. For my part I wish every single one of you the happiest of late Decembers -- please stay safe, wear a mask, watch a good movie, and have an orgasm or two. Doesn't even have to be in that order. Bye til the 3rd...

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Somewhere (2010)

Johnny Marco: What's that book about again?
Cleo: It's about this girl that's in love with this guy.
But he's a vampire, and his whole family's vampires.
So she can't really be with him.
Johnny Marco: Why doesn't she become one too?
Cleo: Because she can't. He doesn't want to turn her
into a vampire. And if she gets too close to him,
he won't be able to help himself.
Johnny Marco: Oh, man.

Sofia Coppola's Somewhere came out 10 years ago today. This movie remains terrifically underrated, don't you think? Every Sofia Coppola movie remains underrated, but this one even among the norm. I still have full on panic attacks when I remember the scene where Stephen Dorff gets his face covered in goo.

Johnathon Schaech Two Times

Johnathon Schaech has apparently been feeling nostalgic the past couple of days and has channeled that energy onto his Instagram, where he's been scanning in some vintage photos. And if there's anything you know about vintage photos of Johnathon Schaech it's that probably they will scorch your eyeballs right off your face. Well if you didn't know that before you do now, anyway! Maybe I will have myself an Araki-Fest over the holiday break!

5 Off My Head: So Fiennes

It's the 58th birthday of the actor Ralph Nathaniel Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes aka "Ralph Fiennes" today, and it must be said we are fans. Big fans. Huge fans! But you know this already. We talk about him all the time. Still I did a search and realized I'd never done a list of my favorite Ralph performances? Which seems insane but then the world is insane -- this is one small potato in comparison. Still let's right it! Narrowing it down to 5 wasn't hard, I have a very specific five favorites, but I also could have done a Top 10 just as easy because there are five more I adore. He's real good, you guys.

My 5 Favorite Ralph Fiennes Performances

Harry Hawkes, A Bigger Splash 
"We're all obscene. Everyone's obscene. 
That's the whole fucking point. 
We see it and we love each other anyway."

Harry, In Bruges 
"How can fucking swans not fucking be 
somebody's fucking thing, eh? How can that be?"
Amon Goeth, Schindler's List
"The truth, Helen, is always the right answer."

Lord Voldemort, the Harry Potter films 
"Join me in the forest tonight and confront your fate."

"When you're young, it's all filet steak, 
but as the years go by, you have to move on 
to the cheap cuts. Which is fine with me, because 
I like those. More flavorful, or so they say."

Runners-up: Spider, Red Dragon, Quiz Show, Strange Days,
The Constant Gardener, The English Patient, The End of the Affair


What are your favorite Ralph Fiennes performances?

Five Frames From ?

What movie is this?

Good Morning, World

It's MNPP's last day before the holiday break -- we'll be pretty much closed up tomorrow through the 3rd, aka 2021, aka good fucking riddance to the year that was 2020! Not that we don't have some shit to wade through still -- lord knows. But if one glances askance from the horrors for a moment there is light on them thar horizons. One light I can give you now (oooh smooth transition) is Harry Shum Jr. making a home workout video for Men's Health -- click on over there to watch! And let's start getting through this day in one piece...

Monday, December 21, 2020

Michiel Huisman Three Times

I will unfortunately never be able to watch The Flight Attendant because I find its leading lady one hundred percent unwatchable -- like I have to leave the room if she's on-screen -- but if you watched it and liked it I congratulate you. You're made of sturdier stuff than I. I had Michiel's character's fate spoiled for me early, which gave me my out, but I am curious now, with a show so supposedly twisty, if he got more work on the show than I'd anticipated? Any good, worthwhile Michiel content on the show? Somebody spoil me.

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Burning (2018)

Shin Hae-mi: Do you know Bushmen in the Kalahari Desert, Africa? It is said that Bushmen have two types of hungry people. Little hungry and great hungry. Little hungry people are physically hungry, The great hungry is a person who is hungry for survival. Why do we live, What is the significance of living? People who are always looking for these answers. This kind of person is really hungry, They are called the great hungry.

Happy 37 to Steven Yeun today! I normally use a quote from the person celebrating a birthday when doing one of these posts but I was feeling this quote, which is spoken by Jong-seo Jun, instead. I think Steven Yeun will allow it. Especially when I remind y'all that he gives one of this year's best performances in Minari, which A24 is dropping on February 12th -- watch the trailer here. I haven't reviewed Minari, I am waiting for February, but spoiler alert, it's lovely. And now what we're all waiting for, some never-before-posted photos of Steven Yeun! After the jump...

Five Frames From ?

What movie is this?

Good Morning, World

Thank goodness for Miguel Ángel Silvestre! I don't believe in angels but I do believe in Ángel. It's a holiday miracle, et cetera, et cetera -- truth be told I am even more grateful for Miguel this morning than usual (so... a lot) because his generous sharing of these photos made this morning's post simple, and today requires simple. As I say in a post every last couple of days before the holiday break I am insanely busy right now, and I'm not sure how much I'll get done -- on here I mean -- today. It might be better by this afternoon -- we will see then! For now, enjoy Miguel -- I know I am. G'mornin!

Saturday, December 19, 2020

And With That, Happy 40 to Jake Gyllenhaal

After a full week of celebrating Jake Gyllenhaal, this is it and it is here, folks -- it's his 40th birthday today! We've come so far! You shoulder never ever underestimate my ability to stretch my Jake Gyllenhaal obsession unto total annihilation for all parties involved. On that note, even though I recapped the entire week as it went along, it just feels right to give us a round-up of everything in one final post. So here be links to all of Jake Week!

I also included some bonus content in the Twitter thread I kept up all week for this series, so make sure you click over and check that out. There are very important pieces of the puzzle to be seen therein. Very important! 

Anyway I live in abject terror every day of my life that my fanboying over Jake will ever be seen by his own big beautiful eyeballs so god forbid he read this message himself, but we here at MNPP truly do wish him the best 40th birthday. He's been my favorite actor for 19 years and counting, and I don't foresee that changing any time soon. He continues to challenge himself and do strong, interesting work, and the projects he's got lined up on IMDb (all of which we've covered in minute detail already, of course) all sound like shit I wanna watch. Good work, and Happy Birthday, You.

And now a bonus! Because I am incapable of ever stopping. And also y'all deserve a treat after all this rambling. I noticed when I worked on the nudity list on Wednesday that Jake has a nude scene I've somehow never posted here on the site, which... well, that is a truly, wildly inexplicable thing. It's from Velvet Buzzsaw, he does the cutest little "hey here's my butt" waddle, and I've got the whole thing giffed right on after the jump...

Friday, December 18, 2020

Dev Patel Five Times

Yesterday the studio with all the hits A24 announced that David Lowery's long-awaited film The Green Knight (an adaptation of Ye Olde Gawain story) is being pushed back to July 30th 2021 -- that's approximately fourteen years after the film was originally supposed to debut, if you've been keeping track and you're also drunk. Anyway I wanted to see this from Day One but then I heard that "Dev Patel and Joel Edgerton hook up" and I got even more interested, which is not surprising to anyone who's spent five seconds on this website. Anyway the trailer's right here, although I recommend just putting the movie out of your head for the time being -- life will be a little less cruel without the impatience for this piling up. Go watch The Personal History of David Copperfield for now to get your Dev fix. It's fun, it also has Ben Whishaw and Tilda Swinton, what more could you want? Besides to take a little nap all nestled up inside of Dev's luxurious facial hair, of course.

Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... zoomin' with Pedro Pascal. (via)

That's the Sound of Women Talking

Flat out ashamed it's taken a full day to get around to mentioning this terribly exciting news -- I've been so buried in Jake Gyllenhaal's ass (hrm) that I haven't been able to come up for air (hrmmmm) to talk about anything else, I guess -- ahem! Sarah Polley is making a new movie! It's her first since 2012's brilliant and deeply moving Stories We Tell, if you can believe it. (And you should, since I just told you that.) And not just that (although that would be enough) -- it will star Frances McDormand! Frannie, on the other hand, we see lots of, but we're still excited every time. It's going to be an adaptation of the many-award-winning novel Women Talking from writer Miriam Toews, which is described thus via Amazon:

"One evening, eight Mennonite women climb into a hay loft to conduct a secret meeting. For the past two years, each of these women, and more than a hundred other girls in their colony, has been repeatedly violated in the night by demons coming to punish them for their sins. Now that the women have learned they were in fact drugged and attacked by a group of men from their own community, they are determined to protect themselves and their daughters from future harm. 

 While the men of the colony are off in the city, attempting to raise enough money to bail out the rapists and bring them home, these women-all illiterate, without any knowledge of the world outside their community and unable even to speak the language of the country they live in-have very little time to make a choice: Should they stay in the only world they've ever known or should they dare to escape? 

Based on real events and told through the “minutes” of the women's all-female symposium, Toews's masterful novel uses wry, politically engaged humor to relate this tale of women claiming their own power to decide."

No surprise here but Margaret Atwood -- who Polley collaborated with on her TV adaptation of Alias Grace -- is a big fan of this book, having called it a real-life story out of her Handmaid's Tale. Have any of you read it? This book was a best-seller and won "Book of the Year" from the NYT Book Review so I am sure plenty of you have read it. I have not, but it sounds like an ace fit for all these incredible and talented names involved.

10 Off My Head: Jake the Top

If you haven't been here all week... what, you have something better to do? You know we are in the middle of a pandemic, right? We're in the middle of a pandemic, it's literally life or death out there, and you still can't come to MNPP before Friday? I mean, I am trying to not be offended here. Trying, but failing. It's fine. It's fine. Whatever. I'll carry on. So like I was saying, if you haven't been here all week to see it, because you've been, I don't know, preferring to stare at the wall then read all my hard work or whatever, then you've missed that I've spent all week celebrating the 40th birthday of the actor Jake Gyllenhaal, which is tomorrow. 

I've been celebrating with lists! Ridiculous lists! Monday I did his best nutbag roles, Tuesday I did his greatest costumes, Wednesday I went lascivious and stared at his bum a bunch, and yesterday I picked his best screen partners. For today, our final day, I figured I'd better go big or go home. I mean I'd love to go home. Did I mention the pandemic? We should all be home. But I digress. Here on our last day of list-making I challenged myself to a most painful proposition. I have decided to not just pick my ten favorite Jake movies... BUT TO RANK THEM. Oh my god this one hurt, you guys. I am bloody, my brains are battered, and all for your entertainment. Enjoy!

My 10 Favorite Jake Gyllenhaal Movies... Ranked!!!

10. Jarhead (dir. Sam Mendes)

9. Okja (dir. Bong Joon-ho)

8. Source Code (dir. Duncan Jones)

7. The Sisters Brothers (dir. Jacques Audiard)

6. Zodiac (dir. David Fincher)

5. Wildlife (dir. Paul Dano)

4. Donnie Darko (dir. Richard Kelly)

3. Nightcrawler (dir. Dan Gilroy)

2. Enemy (dir. Denis Villenueve)

1. Brokeback Mountain (dir. Ang Lee)


That number one was obvious from outer space, I'm sure.
Now tell me yours in the comments...