Well This Makes Sense

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I don't know why I didn't foresee Zac Efron signing on to the big-budget Baywatch movie, given his recent predilection towards dumb raunchy comedies that exploit his dumb raunchy hot ass, but here we are and I am down with it. The Rock, aka Dwayne Johnson, already signed on for the movie, which also made a ton of sense when we heard that news. So far movie is coloring inside the lines, for sure. Let's keep it that way. Give us what we demand, Baywatch!

Zac Efron's Offering Free Mouth to Mouth

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A new red-band international trailer for the Baywatch movie with The Rock and Zac Efron has been released, but it's only red-band for some foul language - not once does Zac Efron pull down his red shorts and show us what religion he is, or even just suck on The Rock's butt. What kind of a Baywatch movie is this anyway? I'm personally morally offended. My soul is best described by this gif:

In case you missed the US trailer you can 

see it here, but I think this new one's actually better:

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Beach Balls For Brains

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For all the posting I have done about the Baywatch movie (see here) the Baywatch movie was never a movie I was going to spend money on to go see in a movie theater, but something tells me that it'll do fine without me and my fifteen bucks (even if Dwayne Johnson still feels the need to whine repeatedly on Twitter about critics being out of touch). Anyway I am guessing that some of you might take advantage of the holiday weekend and go see the movie; if you do let us know what you thought here in the comments. 

I suppose I can also use this post as a heads-up that after today I will be off-line until Tuesday, so prepare yourselves - make sure you buy plenty of water and canned goods and batteries and porn. It'll be a slog but somehow we'll make it.

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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

 ... you can learn from:

Society (1989)

Bill: Paranoid? I'm not paranoid. 

All my fears are real.

Oh my god I love Society. I love Society so much I will take the opportunity presented by its star Billy Warlock's 60th birthday to wish him a happy birthday over the likes of people like Keira Knightley, Jonathan Groff, James Caan, Martin McDonagh, Joe Anderson, Sterling Hayden, Diana Ross, and Woo-sik Choi -- that's how much I love Society. 

I just sort of assume everybody has seen Society by now but I'm sure that's not the case -- but if for whatever reason, you've seen it already or you don't give a shit, you aren't wary of spoilers, well I did a big post on the movie a few years back right here. Oh and Arrow's phenomenal blu-ray set is way cheaper on Amazon now than it was back when I got my copy so if you're curious, I recommend. It's so much, you guys. Any fans?

Back in the 80s and early 90s when I watched a lot of Baywatch -- you know, for the articles -- I never would've guessed that the fluffy-haired twink batting his pretty eyelashes at Erika Eleniak had already starred in one of my future-to-be favorite gross-out insane horror flicks; I didn't come to Society until less than a decade ago. So many years wasted! Society is the most important thing accomplished by any member of Baywatch's cast, and I say that as a big devotee of Jason Momoa's cinematic oeuvre. Such distinction!

Put Zac Efron's Speedo On Your Face

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Dunno how I missed this in the lead up to Baywatch back at the start of the year - perhaps by that point the negative critical word about the movie had begun to leak out and/or The Rock was stroking his no doubt considerable ego with talk of running for President (I had to bail the fuck out when that happened) but hey look him and Rob "The Gronk" Gronkowski did a fun little skit about sex play with Zac Efron's speedo or something, wheeee. Watch it over here. 

Anyway this is as good a time as any to mention that Baywatch is hitting digital in just a couple weeks on August 15th and then the blu-ray comes out on August 29th. It's apparently got a bunch of extras so fingers crossed for lots of Zac Efron behind the speedo scenes. Did any of you actually see the movie?

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Watch Bae In Baywatch

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I feel like that shot there about sums it up, so I am not going to go through the entire Baywatch trailer and make gifs from every single moment we get some Zac Efron or Dwayne Johnson beefcake because, believe it or not, I have other things to do today. Pause. Wait for it. Haha no, of course I don't. But I'm still not going to do it, because I don't feel like it. We've covered so much from the set - just click here to see all that and let me be. I'm still sick and grouchy today and Zac...

... has officially gotten too gristly. You're used up, Efron! Next!

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Never Take Your Eyes Off Zac Efron

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For a hot second I thought that maybe I'd be getting a break from scavenging pictures of Zac Efron's half-naked body off the internet now that Dirty Grandpa was out in theaters - it's been a pleasure, mind you, but kind of exhausting, the keeping up with it all! Yes there was still Neighbors 2 coming, and after that the movie Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, which had him running around in a wrestling singlet, but I thought maybe MNPP could post somebody else now and then?

But Zac will not be denied!!! He's gearing up to shoot Baywatch now, which I'd forgotten about, and surely the deluge via that beach baby will be immense. I mean, it hasn't even begun filming yet but paps just managed to catch Zac training at some pool... however did they find him? Hmm I wonder. Anyway hit the jump for a dozen plus more shots like these here...

Which Is Hotter?

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Something tells me we'll have several opportunities before the release of the Baywatch movie to compare and contrast the hotness levels of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and Zac "The Slab" Efron, but these two beefcake centerfolds from a 2017 calendar they just dropped (thx Mac) are today's opportunity! (Oh and you can click that image, it embiggens.)

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Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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So... we're really doing this, huh? Okay. A couple of weeks ago Time Out compiled a list of what they called "The 100 Best Horror Films." (Thanks to Nat at TFE for bringing it to my attention.) I was super proud of myself when I went through the list and realized that I'd seen all but six of the movies on their list, because this obviously made me the cool kid on the playground. Eat my shorts, high school bullies!

Anyway from there I decided to try and cross off the remaining six and get a perfect score, and within twenty-four hours I had watched two of the six. The first was Jacques Tourneur's Night of the Demon, which was beautifully shot and a solid watch (as seen above, when the demon's seen in the distance it's still a powerfully creepy image), but mostly remarkable for how apparent it became halfway through it that Sam Raimi had essentially remade it with his 2009 fun-as-heck fright-fest Drag Me To Hell, which for all my love of that film is something I did not know.

And the second movie of the six that I watched is called Society. I had never heard of Society. And glancing through the film's credits, one would not expect to be seeing Society end up on anybody's "best of" lists for anything, except perhaps "the best on-set drug dealer." A 1989 movie starring Baywatch's Billy Warlock from the writer of Honey I Shrunk the Kids: The TV Show? Really?

Really! I would come to learn what a fool I was being right quick. Besides all of his work with the "Honey! I Did Awful Things To Our Children!" franchise, director Brian Yuzna also produced the Re-Animator movies and wrote From Beyond for Stuart Gordon, so he knew his way around this kind of silly mind-breaking insanity.

The film is famous - well, infamous is more appropriate, and only among those who seek out such oddities at that - for its ending, which is what we're getting to, but from the start it's so bizarre and... just so so bizarre...

...that it's hypnotic. And it just gets stranger and stranger, like a snowball made out of silly putty rolling down a hill made out of a stash of old EC Comics and sticky Victoria Secret catalogues and transcripts of Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous episodes.

It tells the story of a boy named Bill...

 ... who doesn't quite fit in with his super rich family and friends, and what he uncovers about the habits behind the curtain of the One Percent. It is weird, man. From every angle.

Which brings us to the ending. I had only the faintest idea beforehand of what was coming, and lest I spoil it for any of you who might want to seek the movie out I'm putting it after the jump. I mean I'm also putting it after the jump because nobody should have to look at such things without having made the choice to, which you can do by clicking in past the jump. But you've been warned. What lay beyond is not for the faint of heart or mind or stomach or soul. BEWARE.

Meet David.

Which Is Hotter?

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As you've no doubt seen by now (I'm coming at these a couple days late thanks to Uncle Sam) filming began proper-like on the Baywatch movie this week (I say proper-like since Zac Efron got a head-start on his pap-routine running around in spandex before shooting even began) and Zac & Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson have been spotted in their snug life-saver suits. 

Yeah yeah it's an awful lot of suit compared to what we're ultimately hoping to see from the duo (don't let David Chokachi down, fellas) but for now it'll do. (I said FOR NOW, guys.)

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There are a ton more to see, which

I naturally gathered up for you after the jump...

Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... that dude hypnotized 

by half-naked Michiel Huisman.

I mean can ya blame him?

No, no you cannot. Michiel posted these shots on his Instagram, saying he's training for his new movie called Red Sea Diving Resort, which I thought sounded promising given that title. That sounds like Michiel Huisman in a wet-suit! Then I googled the movie and hey it also stars Chris Evans and Alessandro Nivola! I'm getting excited here! But upon actually reading the film's plot, it sounds less Baywatch than my imagination let on...

"The film (directed by Gideon Raff, the Israeli filmmaker behind the TV drama Prisoners of War, which was adapted as Homeland in the U.S.) recounts the true story of an Israeli reconnaissance team that decamped to an abandoned resort in Sudan in the early ’80s to rescue Ethiopian Jews who were trapped in the Northern African country. Undercover as entrepreneurs from a Swiss travel group, the spies were able to locate thousands of Ethiopians and then transport them to the Jewish state. In missions related to the one depicted in Resort, 22,000 more Ethiopian Jews were rescued via airlift.."

So it's serious then. Fine! The fact that Michiel's getting into shape for it though, well it gives me hope. Although I can't blame any actor who's about to star opposite Chris Evans for getting into shape. Anyway the film will also co-star Greg Kinnear, Ben Kingsley, Michael K. Williams, and in the token lady role Haley Bennett. (And hey we like her so if there's got to be one single female role... okay no there never does have to be just one female role, so nevermind.)

Slide It In, Zac Efron

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Seventeen days until the Neighbors sequel is out and they've just released a small new behind-the-scenes featurette -- you can watch it over on YouTube -- which features the brand new split second of shirtless Zac grinding seen in gif-form below. A whole split second! Setting the world on fire, that. Oh and in other Zac exploitation news if you missed the new from-the-set shots of him filming Baywatch, click over to the Tumblr, they're worth it.

Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... hosing down Zac Efron.

I'm sure you've all been kept awake the past few nights wondering why I hadn't been posting hourly updates with all the pictures of Zac Efron romping around greased up like a Thanksgiving turkey on the set of Baywatch this week -- truth be told 1) I'm a little bit Efron'd out, and 2) I don't know what happened between his time on the set of Dirty Grandpa and now but he's gotten too big or something?

I've seen this complaint several places across the 'net since these pictures dropped, and I'm on Team Too Big. I'm certainly willing to extend him the benefit of the doubt and believe that this is For The Role a la Anna Faris in The House Bunny - he's clearly going to be playing a beach meathead in this movie. Plus if I was standing next to The Rock I'd go a little psycho about the gym too, I s'pose.

But I'm finding it tough being attracted to someone I wouldn't be able to grab on to because my hands would slide right off of them, causing me to fall on the floor if I tried to make a move. It's like a hot dog dipped in honey. It's too much, Zac!

I Am Link

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--- Beach Bingo - The Rock aka Dwayne Johnson is going to star in the big-budget reboot of Baywatch, of all things. I think he's a solid comedian, and he'll certainly look good running in slow-motion on the beach, so maybe this will have something of merit. On his Instagram he says "Edgy, raunchy and hopefully, funny as all hell"- what worries me about this is they've got quite the line to walk; the jokes could be easily go hella lazy if they don't make the effort.
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--- Texas Heat - Shocktober is rolling right along at Final Girl - here's Stacie take on the opening titles of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, which I always only realize are the Sun about halfway through them. Every single time! That movie, I swear no matter how many times I watch it it manages to surprise me - like Stacie says about the sudden daylight when Sally leaps out the window towards the end. It just works on such a primal, subconscious level from the word go, it never fails to shock somehow.

--- Brother Ward - White Collar's Tim DeKay has signed onto Agents of SHIELD, to play Agent Ward's older brother. Hopefully with sexy results! Actually Brett Dalton is looking way too thin this season, has anybody noticed that? I don't think they're supposed to be starving him in that interrogation space or anything. It just seems like a weird choice. Come back to us, sexy Brett.

--- Thunder Down Under - Not even Chris Hemsworth can keep track of how many times he's played Thor - in an interview Down Under he said post-Ultron it's been three, when it's really been four. I guess he, like the rest of us, doesn't count Thor 2. He also says he loves doing the role and is looking forward to slipping back into his Thunder-God-underoos for awhile (he has three more films with Marvel already lined up in his contract).

--- Spill Forth - That oil-tanker disaster-movie The Finest Hours that I told you about last week, the one with Chris Pine and Ben Foster, just gained another prime slab of man - Eric Bana will play some big-wig Coast Guard guy. You know the role, Bana's played it a dozen times now. I know this movie's going to turn into one of those ones with a dozen hot guys all cramped up in close quarters sweaty and staring at each other with no pay-off, and yet here I am, prepped for it all over again. Sigh. I never learn.

--- Terror Abroad - Another movie we've spoken of before is Idris Elba's upcoming thriller Bastille Day, which is from the director of the pretty-decent Woman in Black remake, and is about a "a rogue U.S. CIA operative who is tasked with interrogating and eventually making a young American man, who’s also a con-artist, 'disappear'" - Richard Madden, aka adorable naked Robb on A Game of Thrones, has just been cast in it, presumably as the young American. All of these actors are Brits, stealing our American jobs! But they'll make a hot pair so I will overlook it. (thanks Mac)

--- Two Face - Has anybody been watching Gotham? I don't know if I can, I dislike Jada Pinkett Smith too much, and her character's name is Fish Mooney, it pushes me right over the edge. And it just seems silly. I might have reached my silly quotient right this minute. That said they just cast Nicholas D'Agosto as Harvey Dent, and... that is might hard (heh) to resist.

--- The Sound Of Silence - On today's "read this at lunchtime" pile goes this interview with documntarian Joshua Oppenheimer at The New York Times; he made The Act of Killing and The Look of Silence, the latter which I just reviewed for NYFF the other day. They are both brilliant unmissable films. (thanks Mac)
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Good Morning, World

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I had to do some research, make sure I'd never posted these old shots of Baywatch actor (my apologies to the word "actor") David Chokachi before. I had not, somehow, so here they are. It's his 44th birthday today, and IMDb tells me he is still working! We're all greatly looking forward to Boarding School 3D and Rage of the Yeti, no doubt.

There Is A Chance...

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... that Kellan Lutz might play Conan the Barbarian. Slash has got the info. Yes.

It's supposedly between him, one-time Baywatch babe Jason Momao, and an unnamed third party (okay, it's me).

I'm just glad that they're looking for real actors for the part. And by "real" I mean "nipples" and by "actor" I mean "nipples."
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All Hands On Zac

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Although we've had a few keepers from the set of the upcoming Baywatch movie (see here) I feel as if it's actually been fairly surprisingly quiet as far as the gratuitous spectacle of Zac Efron and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson flashing skin for the paps. At least when compared to previous Zac Efron movies. So thanks to Mr. Rock for sharing that picture on his Instagram (that's their co-star Jon Bass in the middle with the lucky hands), and thanks to JJ for these few new shots from the set after the jump...