11 Off My Head: RIP Joel Schumacher

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Joel Schumacher, the oft critically reviled director who slapped nipples on the Batman suit and probably did enough blow in the 1970s with his pal Halston to keep every drug dealer in the continental United States flush for a lifetime, has died at the age of 80. Honestly I kinda loved Joel, even though his movies often deserved their shit rep. I briefly met him at a party once and he was very nice! (But then I was 20 years old and, judging by his interest, probably his type.) Anyway I considered doing a list of my five favorite films of his -- and I could, because critically reviled or not he made some terrific movies (and yes, as I just recently mentioned I include Batman & Robin on that list of terrific movies.) But my first and best thought was of the most important gift he gifted us with, which was an obscene amount of cinematic male beauty over the years. Just astonishing amounts. Bless him.

11 of My Favorite Joel Schumacher Gratuities

Henry Cavill in Blood Creek

Jason Patric in The Lost Boys (more here)

Chris O'Donnell in Batman & Robin 

Colin Farrell in Tigerland (more here)

Matthew Davis in Tigerland (more here)

Rob Lowe in St Elmo's Fire

Billy Baldwin in Flatliners

Patrick Wilson in Phantom of the Opera

Cam Gigandet in Trespass

Billy Magnussen in Twelve (See more here)

Matthew McConaughey in A Time To Kill
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What are thoughts on Joel Schumacher?

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10 Off My Head: Siri Says 2000

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Time for this week's weekly installment of "Siri Says When" wherein the voice from our telephone commands us what to do by choosing a number between 1 and 100, which we then use to select a favorite batch of films from the corresponding year. Today Siri gave us one I wasn't totally sure her software allowed for - the number 100. And so we'll be looking at The Movies of 2000. While maybe not quite as good as the year before it - 1999 is one for the record books - the year 2000 is an excellent one too. 

Lots of filmmakers that I've come to worship and adore in the 17 years since were just finding their footing - people like Michael Haneke and Darren Aronofsky and Park Chan-wook and Sofia Coppola weren't necessarily making their first films but they were making films that would come to define them or give us a good look at what they were capable of. Indeed this is another instance where the year's good enough to force my hand - we're doing a Top 10.

My 10 Favorite Movies of 2000

American Psycho

(dir. Mary Harron)

-- released on Aril 14th 2000 --

Bring It On

(dir. Peyton Reed)

-- released on August 25th 2000 --
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Shadow of the Vampire

(dir. E. Elias Merhige)

-- released on ?December 29th 2000 --

Requiem For a Dream

(dir. Darren Aronofsky)

-- released on December 15th 2000 --

Best in Show

(dir. Christopher Guest)

-- released on October 20th 2000 --

Wonder Boys

(dir. Curtis Hanson)

-- released on February 25th 2000 --

Virgin Suicides

(dir. Sofia Coppola)

-- released on May 19th 2000 --

Dancer in the Dark

(dir. Lars von Trier)

-- released on October 6th 2000 --

In the Mood For Love

(dir. Wong Kar-wai)

-- released onSeptember 29th 2000 --

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

(dir. Ang Lee)

-- released on December 8th 2000 --

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Runners-up: Memento (dir. Nolan), Battle Royale (dir. Kinji Fukasaku), Unbreakable (dir. Shyamalan), Pitch Black (dir. Twohy), Final Destination (dir. James Wong),  The Gift (dir. Sam Raimi), Nurse Betty (dir. LaBute), JSA: Joint Security Area (dir. Park Chan-wook),  The Cell  (dir. Tarsem Singh)...

... What Lies Beneath (dir. Robert Zemeckis), Ginger Snaps (dir. John Fawcett), Sexy Beast (dir. Jonathan Glazer), You Can Count on Me (dir. Lonergan), Tigerland (dir. Schumacher), Scream 3 (dir. Craven), Chopper (dir. Andrew Dominik), Code Unknown (dir. Haneke), Before Night Falls (dir. Schnabel), Erin Brockovitch (dir. Soderbergh), Chicken Run (dir. Peter Lord)

Never seen: O Brother Where Art Thou? (dir. Coens), The Beach (dir. Danny Boyle), Chocolat (dir. Lasse Hallström), Amores Perros (dir. Alejandro González Iñárritu), Billy Elliot (dir. Daldry)

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What are your favorite movies of 2000?

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Do Dump or Marry: Pick Your Colins

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It is the 41st birthday of the great Colin Farrell today - aren't you glad we stuck with him? I was worried for awhile but smart writers like Martin McDonagh and Yorgos Lanthimos finally figured out how to make him pop and here we are and we're all the better for it. 

Anyway I wanted to do something a little different this time so here's the deal: I want you to "Do Dump or Marry" any three characters of Colin's that you choose. He's got nearly two decades worth of 'em -- go ahead and consult IMDb and then come tell us in the comments. Here are my picks:

DO: Private Roland Bozz, Tigerland -- Colin's been sexy many many times over since this film brought him to international attention in the year 2000, but I don't think anybody's fetishized every inch of him quite the way Joel Schumacher's camera did. Still Bozz is too erratic for a lifetime - one night would be plenty to fuel forever. (Runners-up: Bobby in A Home at the End of the World or Colin Farrell in Colin Farrell's Sex Tape)

DUMP: A tie between Bobby Pellit in Horrible Bosses for obvious reasons and Graves in Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them for NOT obvious reasons aka spoiler alert there's a really fucking disgusting Johnny Depp hiding away under that wonderful exterior. Runner-up: Alexander in Alexander because god that hair.)

MARRY: Ray in In Bruges -- okay okay I know that he's emotionally broken beyond repair in this but he's also so cynical and funny and expressive... I mean I could dine out for the remainder of my life on just the things he does with his eyebrows in this movie. (Runners-up: Danny in Minority Report or David in The Lobster.) 

Now it's your turn! 

Give me your three in the comments! 

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Farrell to Arms

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A lot of talk this week has centered upon Nicole Kidman's career ups and downs, shooting off from BuzzFeeds' fantastic piece about just that, and a lot of the talk has to do specifically with her being a female actor, and how female actors have to prove themselves over and over again. I'm not arguing that's not the case, I very much think it is, but I've been thinking for awhile about a lot of parallels between Nicole and Colin Farrell, who is, you know, a male actor. Don't consider me tone-deaf, is all I'm asking. It's just really something that this year, where Colin & Nicole will be co-starring in two films together, has brought into relief. 

You could for sure make the case that Colin's had an easier go of it - that he's made a heap of flops that would've killed an actress' career dead. But he, like Nicole, is usually always the best or most interesting thing about those flops, and he, like Nicole, would always go off in between those flops and make something really interesting that would remind us that he's really for real a terrific and underappreciated actor.

Underappreciated being key - Colin hasn't been nominated for a single Oscar yet. And like Nicole it seems as if mainstream audiences always have this, "Why the heck does he keep getting work" attitude. Colin doesn't have the deep bench of great performances that Nicole has, but he's done some really beautiful work over the years when given the chance - his opening star-turn in Tigerland announced a real talent, and him missing out nominations for both In Bruges and The Lobster wounds me.

Anyway I'm really only thinking through these comparisons this morning because it does feel as if the critical tide has finally turned on Colin, and he's finally getting some respectable attention - his on-going auteur relationship with Yorgos Lanthimos is a blessing, and he's got The Beguiled with Sofia Coppola coming up soon, and today comes word that he is in talks to join the cast of Widows, Steve McQueen's film version of the BBC series, which already has Viola Davis, Cynthia Erivo, Andre Holland, and Liam Neeson attached. Now let's get him his first Oscar nomination already.
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Good Morning, World

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Welcome back from that little four-day vacation that wasn't, everyone -- here let us get back into the grind of things with Colin Farrell in Tigerland, shall we? It's Colin's 40th birthday today, and he's looking as good as ever and also coming off of one of his greatest successes - not only is The Lobster the best movie of the year so far says me, it's doing dynamite business as far as very weird little art-house movies go. Congrats, Colin! We couldn't be happier that you're working with director Yorgos Lanthimos a second time. Anyway if you want to look back to the moment we fell for Colin, look no further than all the pictures of him in Tigerland that we have posted in the past - they are many.

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Pics of the (Yester)Day

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I missed these til just now - I just fell down a Colin Farrell hole (dramatic pause while I allow that phrase to settle....... okay, carry on) thanks to the Tigerland talk and stumbled upon them. They're shots of Colin and Rachel Weisz on the set of Yorgos Lanthimos' new movie, his follow-up to the brilliant double-feature Dogtooth and Alps, which is called The Lobster. (via) They're shooting in Dublin right now. Looks like Colin gained a wee chunk for the role - all actors take note: this (and Bradley Cooper's current beef-tastic weight gain) is a perfectly fine use of your craft. Totally acceptable. The extreme weight loss thing? No, no, no.

Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be... 

... cuddling with Colin & Matt.

Wow I have looked at (and posted) a lot of pictures from the 2000 movie Tigerland, and yet somehow I have never until this moment seen that absolutely enchanting picture of Colin Farrell and Matthew Davis being all cuddle-monsters with each other. Clearly it's from the same Bruce Weber photo-shoot the below pictures of Colin are from (I think they were in Vanity Fair maybe?), what with the identical baby goat and all, but I've seen those ones before while that shot up top, not never. Well I am happy to welcome it into my life, I am.

It's Matt Davis' birthday today, by the way. I just posted a bunch of gifs of him and Colin all naked and sweaty also in Tigerland over at the Tumblr, if you feel the need to stare at some of that. (Clearly you do.) Happy birthday, Matt!

Good Morning, Quaid

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(Shelves!) Okay yeah maybe I did call the Total Recall remake one of the worst movies of last year, but none of that bad sentiment extended to anything having to do with Colin Farrell's scene in just a pair of loose low-slung sweatpants. That was movie gold! As you can see. I never did post proper caps of this scene (there are a couple shots with my review of the movie though) so here they are. It's Colin's 37th birthday today! Hit the jump for the pictures, along with a couple from Tigerland because when do I not want to look at him in Tigerland? (Answer: Never.)

Good Morning, World

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Tigerland turned 10 back in October and I feel ashamed I didn't celebrate it at all. I mean, can we all just agree that that shot right there is what cinema was invented for? Joel Schumacher did something right, once. We've only had Colin in our lives for ten years! I don't know how we went about our lives without him. And yes, it was that post yesterday about the sexy Osama-slaughtering SEALs that's put me in a military state of mind, in case you were wondering. USA! USA!

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Good Morning, World

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I do worry that one day I'll run out of gratuitous pictures of Colin Farrell in Tigerland to post, but for now the coast is thankfully still gloriously clear.
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Quote of the Day

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In an article at Cinematical about how terribly Joel Schumacher's Twelve has flopped - aww poor Chace Crawford, come and cry into your bong at my place - writer David Erlich expresses an unfairly ignored truth about Schumacher's oft-dubious abilities:

"[B]ut the man can shoot a killer sex scene when he feels like it. ... And he felt like it about 15 minutes into Tigerland, which is arguably and perhaps not incidentally, also the best film he's made in *consults IMDB page* ever. Schumacher locked Colin Farrell in a dank motel room with 3 other attractive and impressively-bodied actors and came away with one of the sweatiest, grunt-laden sex scenes in recent memory. At no point on the largely somnambulent DVD commentary track is Schumacher as animated as when he's discussing the sex scene -- the awed quality of his voice suggesting that at 60 years-old he was just beginning to realize his directorial strengths."

Ha, right - I'm sure its awe of his own "directorial strengths" that takes over his voice when he talks about pointing a camera at a butt-naked Colin Farrell and Matthew Davis thrusting beside each other.

Anyway I've often expressed this sentiment, but Joel Schumacher is forgiven ever piece of shit he churns out for the rest of time because of Tigerland and that scene and just generally its blessed introduction of Colin Farrell unto the world, amen.

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Dumped Creek

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So apparently there's some movie called Blood Creek by oft-hack Joel Schumacher being released in like a dozen dollar theaters this weekend with absolutely no fanfare... hell, "no fanfare" is an exaggeration for what the movie's gotten - Lionsgate seems downright embarrassed by it. Mr. Schumacher's name doesn't instill me with much enthusiasm - although to be fair he did give the world the gift that is Colin Farrell with Tigerland - but then I went and read some bits about this Blood Creek movie and it hit a few of my sweet spots, I must admit. Via here:

"... the cast includes Dominic Purcell of TV's "Prison Break" and Michael Fassbender, now onscreen as Lt. Archie Hicox in "Inglourious Basterds."

... "Blood Creek" is an occult story with origins in the Third Reich."

I do not like Purcell but I think I maybe have mentioned a liking for this Fassbender chap lately? And according the film's IMDb page - it's listed as Town Creek on IMDb, I guess they changed the title - it also has Henry effin' Cavill in it! Pretty prettiness! And it's a Hitler Horror movie. I am suddenly unhappy that this movie's been so unceremoniously dumped, and will keep my eyes peeled for it on DVD then. Harumph!

And speaking of horror films being dumped this weekend, anybody heard or seen anything more on Splice, the Sarah Polley and Adrien Brody movie I posted about the other day? I still see no info anywhere even though its release date is still listed for today. Boo! Me want!
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5 Off The Top Of My Head - Directors I Would Relish The Opportunity To Punch In The Face

Over at MTV today they've got a post in which Jessica Biel and Catherine Keener defend David O. Russell, the director famous for being punched in the face by George Clooney during the filming of Three Kings and for behaving like a deranged buffoon towards Lily Tomlin on a leaked video from the set of I Heart Huckabees; Biel and Keener say he's great, and yadda yadda, leave the poor rich man alone. And perhaps he is. Whatever the case, I've loved all of his movies, so he gets an asshole pass. I'm easily persuaded - Roman Polanski and Woody Allen are bonafied perverts that I keep plunking down cash to, after all.

Anyway, at the end of that MTV post they ask for people to name the director they'd most love the opportunity to punch in the face and... why stop at one? I might defend the undefendable here and there, but even I have my limits. Here are my limits!

Alejandro González Iñárritu - I've made my unquenchable contempt for the Babel "auteur" clear before. His movies make me want to go back to college and study obscure sciences for countless years, all so I can be the person to invent time travel and then go back and find his furthest back male relative and then punch them in the balls over and over and over again until they are infertile. Hallelujah, let it be spoken. PUNCH!

Michael Bay - Winning the "Perennial Punching Bag" spot over Uwe Boll or Paul W. S. Anderson or Joel Schumacher (Never seen a Boll film; Anderson has made two good movies - Resident Evil and Event Horizon; and Schumacher delivered me the gift that is Colin Farrell in Tigerland, something which I can never repay in full). But Bay... Bay has burned me time and again and again and again. And I keep showing up to his movies because they come at the start of Summer when I've not yet had my fill of stupidity and I think "Ooh, I'd like to see something big go boom" and his trailers always promise that much at least and then I go to his movies and within twenty minutes I'm crawling up the walls trying to break my own neck or suffocating myself with stray popcorn kernels off the floor. Goddamn you, Michael Bay! You will never fool me again, I swear it! PUNCH!


Mel Gibson - Duh.

Rob Zombie - I still haven't watched it, but I'm still nursing residual YUCK over his remaking of Halloween, so he's still deserving of a residual punch to the face. Just the fact that I shudder every time I see the DVD staring at me is enough proof of that. His actions haunt me!

Harvey Weinstein - Much to my happiness, in "researching" this post I discovered that Harvey directed two movies in the 80s! They're called Playing For Keeps and The Gnomes' Great Adventure. Ha! I hope these are included in his inevitable Oscar tribute when he's about to croak. Anyway, yay! I can imaginary punch him in the face once more. It's how I fall asleep every night, you know, counting punches to Harvey Weinstein's face instead of sheep.

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And now it's your turn!
Sound off with your hate in the comments.
Consider it cheap therapy.

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