The Stylist For This Shoot Should Be Shot

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Sure, Sam Page is an attractive enough chap that you could throw him in a hefty sack and one of those beanie caps with fake dreads attached and I'd still want to ride his bones. But that doesn't mean you should style him like he's what Simon Doonan just pulled out of his drain. It just doesn't. Shame, stylist. Shame.

More pics here; they're not all a total loss,
as the following proves:

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Fringe Is Back On Thursday...

... and I swear to god if you all don't watch it and this show gets canceled I'm gonna show up on each of your doorsteps with a bunsen burner and a grudge. On that note, here's a super awesome trailer for this week's episode! (via)

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Holy boners.
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Them Girl Movies

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I liked The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo well enough. I mean the movie, not the book; I haven't read any of the books. I gotta admit that I don't entirely get Noomi Rapace as an It Girl that must be snatched up and thrust at American audiences though - she was good enough, I suppose? She's no Carice Van Houten that's for sure (where have you gone Carice?!?) Anyway it never really lit my ass on fire, but unlike say Twilight I do feel this strange need to at least nominally keep up with the Lisbeth Salander cultural steamroller so I went ahead and watched The Girl Who Played With Fire, and oh my god it bored me to death. Except for Paolo Roberto, real-life boxer playing himself in the movie, who's sort of what Tom Hardy might look like if Tom Hardy got punched in the face a bunch. Or a bunch more, I guess. In a sexy way, I mean.

He didn't bore me anyway. But beyond swollen-faced boxers in their briefs this post has another point - should I bother seeing The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest after this, or should I just wait for David Fincher to take these on? The completeist in me figures I should but goddamn this movie bored me. Anyway I ask you!

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poll by twiigs.com

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Five Frames From ?

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What movie is this?
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Burly Skew Winner

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Last week I offered up a strange Burlesque-related scenario and from there I asked you to give the story an ending. Whoever came up with the one that tickled my fancies the most would win a copy of the fancy hardcover Burlesque: The Motion Picture and a copy of the soundtrack. Well the time has come for winning! I honestly loved everybody's answers - I think about 95% of you went featured some kind of orgy breaking out; y'all seriously my peeps - but reader Adam went the extra mile by mixing together a few of my other favorite things... but I'll leave that to him. First up, that strange scenario...

"Picture it! It's the night before Thanksgiving and you're trapped in the airport. All the flights have been delayed because everyone's refusing their privates x-rayed and fondled by TSA agents. The world has crawled to a stand-still! That's when you see them sitting beside you - it's the all the stars of Burlesque! Cher! Xtina! Eric Dane! Kristen Bell! Stanley Tucci! Cam Gigandet! Director and former Goonies prick Steve Antin! They're trapped there too, having been unable to make it out of town from the latest premiere. And it'll be hours before any of you can make it out..."

And from there I'll let Adam take it away...

"...Given hotel vouchers by the airline, we all headed to Motel Hello. We were thrilled to be conveniently located next to America's largest turkey farm and slaughterhouse. But then a farmer wearing a severed turkey head terrorized us all Thanksgiving Eve with a chainsaw and overly choreographed dance numbers. With a hand-held camera Eric Dane uses for sex tapes, we created a Thanksgiving themed Motel Hell remake. The only casualties were Cam Gigandet and Eric Dane's shirts. It won 12 Oscars."

And enclosed was a promotional poster:

I mean... a Motel Hell shout-out? Photo-shopped scary Cher face? I was defenseless. I would not only see that movie, I would find a way to become an Academy member - perhaps skin Ernest Borgnine and wear him as a suit? - so I could help award that movie its 12 Oscars.

So with that a hefty congrats to Adam, and a huge
thank you to everybody that played along.
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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Your Friends & Neighbors (1998)

Cary (Jason Patric): Okay, fine. You wanna hear [my best]?
Huh? Senior year. Gym class.

Barry (Aaron Eckhart): What d'you guys have
a co-ed gym or something?

Cary: No. His name was Timmy Carter.

Jerry (Ben Stiller): Timmy?

Barry: Isn't that a boy's name?

Cary: He was a guy from my high school PE class.
My best fuck.

Barry: .... What?

Cary: It's the truth. It was almost Spring vacation... late March... and we'd had about all the shit we could take from little Timmy. He'd turned four of us in during an English exam earlier in the week, so... Coach is down in the lounge for a smoke. We grab his ass, drag him into the showers. Held him down. Tore off his clothes. And we each took a turn. I mean, we actually did this guy. Up the butt. I mean... we were some crazy fuckers at that age.

I was the last one. So, I dunno if he'd given over by this time or what, goddamn it was... nice. I mean how can I explain this? It's never been like with a woman. As many as I've fucked.... never. Not even close. He's face down. And my friends are holding him spread out. But Timmy and I are making love like we're on some beach in the Mediterranean. I kid you not. Fuck. It was amazing. I feel him taking my rhythm, he's clenching me off when I get too deep. Shit he did everything right. And I know he came when I did. I mean... I didn't check or anything, but... I could tell. I mean I shouldn't even be telling you guys but... fuck, I have never known anything like it. Ever.

Like I said there wasn't too much of the school year left and Timmy dropped out. I guess. I mean, he finished from home. But... goddamn him. He never turned us in. He never said a word about it to anyone. And I admired him for that. But I think the reason he kept silent - and I feel I'm right about this - is that he felt that something special had happened as well. Him and me. I mean those other guys just fucked him to teach him a lesson, but... we... I know something special happened.

Barry: Jesus... are you making this up?

Cary: Fuck no. This happened, I told you before, this is my life. You'd have taken the same steps. Common decency dictated the whole thing. I just didn't expect to find somebody who... you know... understood me, is all.

Anyhow that's mine, big deal. At least I got one.

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Not exactly sure why this scene of all scenes popped into my head this morning - it is Ben Stiller's birthday...? - but it did, and now it haunts me anew even though I haven't seen this flick in a decade. You want horror in unexpected places this scene's a master lesson. LaBute does everything right - this wouldn't have been worked as well if it hadn't been Jason Patric, beautiful Jason Patric with those eyes, that face, delivering this nightmare speech. It works on me the same way that American Psycho works on me - a corrupt fantasy turned inside out.
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Happy 32, Gael

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I love that picture and can't believe I'd not posted it before. What's not to love? Gael in a sexually suggestive pose on a bare mattress thrusting a knife at crotch-level with a hint of his underpants showing? It's like last week's episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia where the gang took stuff out of Charlie's dream journal and made them come to life, only these are the things inside my dream journal come to life, and there's no Worm Hat. If there were a Worm Hat it'd be perfect, yeah.
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Ein Zwei Drei

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The German trailer for Tom Tykwer's Drei is out (via) and it looks good. (A translation of the trailer's here.) After the mostly forgettable The International and Perfume I'm hoping this return to his native tongue will bring back the magic. It's the first film he's made in German since the one-two punch of awesome that was The Princess and the Warrior and Run Lola Run. Drei tells the tale of a couple - a dude and chick - that fall for the same dude.

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Hello, Sebastian Schipper.
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Quote of the Dead

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I've been watching The Walking Dead on Monday nights so I'm always a day behind. What have we been thinking of the show? I heard the ratings have been getting stronger and stronger as the season goes along. I'm about 50/50 on it and instead of spending my time saying why I'll just direct you to my friend Sean's thought upon this week's episode which elucidates my feelings precisely. I nodded my head in vehement agreement and then LOL'd at this bit, talking about how he wishes the show threw more curve-balls:

"Of course Daryl’s the guy who says “I say we kill him now and shoot the dead girl in the head while we’re at it.” Of course the abused wife can’t stop once she starts hitting her dead husband in the head with a pick-axe. Of course we have someone who can’t let go of their dead loved one (cf. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead) and someone else whose inevitable death we have to deal with sooner or later while debating whether we do things like that or not (cf. Zack Snyder’s Dawn of the Dead). Of course the CDC couldn’t stop it, there’s only one guy left there, he’s breaking down, and the grounds are littered with dead soldiers. I mean, I read The Stand too. And of course when the door finally opens up, everyone’s silhouetted in enough white light to recreate that Golden Girls episode where Sophia goes to Heaven but Sal tells her it’s not her time."

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Winter Isn't The Only Thing That's Coming

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At least not now that I've gotten a glimpse of Jason Momoa
as Khal Drago in HBO's A Game of Thrones. Grrrruff.
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I linked to this earlier but wtf, I'm posting it now. Nerd alert!
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Cam Can Be All Yours

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Don't forget to try your hand at winning a copy of the Burlesque book and soundtrack by emailing me with your finale to the ridiculous situation described here. Email it to mnppcontest@gmail.com by tomorrow morning. Let's say you've got until Noon. I'll announce the winner sometime after... Noon. Do it! Cam wants you... to.
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And Soon the Darkness in 200 Words or Less

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A perfectly paced slow-burn of a thriller. Two girls go on a bicycle trip across the back-roads of France and find their way into trouble. There's some beautiful photography here too, which shouldn't be surprising since this comes from the director of the gloriously psychedelic and deranged Dr. Phibes movies. But unlike those Vincent Price camp-horror-spectaculars, this one never aims for off the rails - it aims straight and true at your nerve centers like a swift sure knife. It's exactly what I want when I sit down to watch a thriller of this sort. The hopelessness of running back and forth and back and forth over the same spots, looking for something new - why, that's almost the definition of madness.


I'm curious about the remake (it's supposed to get some kind of release in December before hitting DVD immediately after) in spite of it starring two of the least promising actresses of their generation, Amber Heard and Odette Yustman. If only to see if they get a sexy menacing Karl Urban into pants as obscenely tight as the ones Sandor Elès wore here.

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Where Have Hugh Gone, My Dancy?

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I Love That Someone Else's First Thought...

... when they heard of Leslie Nielson's death
was of his work on The Golden Girls, too:
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Although I thought of the scene with him
and Dorothy at the lobster shack myself.

RIP Leslie. I was a huge huge fan of Police Squad when I was a kid but I haven't seen the show in years and years. I adored the Naked Gun movies, and Airplane of course too. And then of course there's his classic freak-out in Creepshow...

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Other Drugs, Like Crack, Is Wack

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When Love and Other Drugs comes out onto DVD - or probably before that, as soon as a clear-enough copy finds its way online - you can be sure that I'll post a slew of caps of Jake's beautiful behind and various other body parts that he puts so spectacularly on display in the film. Those things are to be loved and cherished forever, of course. (Also that shot that's made its way online of his supposed penis is in no way his penis, it's a sheet - believe me, my eyes were penis-seeking missiles aimed at the screen and sadly they never found their target.)

From there however, this is a film to be dumped into a dumpster and set on fire. To be peed and pooed upon. To be thrown at the faces of people you don't like. To be dropped from airplanes onto terrorists heads. If we ever run out of basic building materials we could build prisons out of these DVDs and no one would escape because no one would want to touch the walls, lest they catch whatever strain of diphtheria-riddled bullshit this monstrosity slaps a spooky hobgoblin mish-mash of feel-good music over and calls heartfelt.

Oh Jake and Annie, you tried, you really tried. Here and there the camera lingered and a spark of your genuine adorable humanity managed to creep through the swill. But then the movie pulled up its dress to its knees and squatted over you and dumped all over your efforts again.

This is one of those movies that seems made by space-aliens who haven't ever actually seen real human people interact. Next to nothing seemed genuine. Jake's family seemed like a bunch of people were waiting in the green room to go on Leno and a camera happened to catch their stilted camaraderie. (Still, hi Jill Clayburgh! Sorry this is your second-to-last, nice lady - let's hope Bridesmaids treats you better.)

I worried beforehand when I saw clips of Jake and Anne's "meet cute" with the boob-popping and briefcase-bashing that fell as flat as Jake's stomach about the tone of this thing but I had no idea that it could possibly be so erratic. You know what I want to see right after a somber scene recounting the struggles of a bunch of real-life Parkinson's patients? I immediately want to see more of Jake's rancid brother character bare-assed and grabbing boners, that's what I want!

This thing's script embarrassed and offended me. At a certain point I knew we wouldn't be getting Jake naked again and I really considered leaving. I don't really understand how it got made, or if Ed Zwick was just on a whole bunch of those Other Drugs the whole time he was cutting this together, or what. I mean perhaps if I spent hours staring at Jake Gyllenhaal naked in front of my camera I'd be too dizzy to edit shit too, but I wouldn't have the balls to shove this mess in anybody's face and ask politely for Oscars either.
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Some Gratuitous Catch-Up

Like the title says, here's some sexy menfolk shenanigans that we've missed over the past few days due to stuffing ourselves sick with... uh, stuffing. First up, Tom Hardy got a new tattoo! I don't approve of the tattoo but he's shirtless and lips and what was I talking about...

Next up, David Beckham did something out of the ordinary this weekend - he played soccer and he took his shirt off on the field. Blowing my mind, Davey!


(more at that link, by the way) And then there's Becks' teammate Landon Donovan romping around the beach in Sydney (via)...


I don't know him, but his swivel caught my eye. Next up we've got Hugh Jackman's getting into shape for The Wolverine, going to or from the gym here, showing off bicep and scruff and hint of package.

And finally, Justin Theroux shaved off his grizzly beard,
reminding us that god Justin Theroux is cute. (via)

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I Am Link

Hey y'all! Sorry things have been sort of quiet today, I've fallen prey to the spectacle of this Cyber Monday thing and have been trying to get some Xmas shopping done and got sucked into a vortex of e-coupons and mega-deals and giant red slash marks dancing before my eyes. They sing do-dee-do to the rhythm of their synchronized leg thrusts, et cetera. Anyway here are some links I've gathered up!

--- Winter's Still Coming - io9's got a hi-res gallery of the shots from A Game of Thrones that were in Entertainment Weekly last week, a couple of which I hadn't seen yet including that truly lovely shot above. They've also got the new trailer for the series. Could I be more excited for this show? No I could not.

--- Andrew Garfield's Penis - Got your attention? Good, it got mine - DH has a delightful story about the time spent making sure that Andy's dick doesn't make Spider-Man obscene. But what a waste of time, ya know? That's time that would be better spent making his package more prominent, methinks.

--- Xmas Flicks - Joe's done another installment of his film forecasts for the next several weeks, so you should go read all that, he'll tell you what's up with new ones from David O. Russell, The Coens, and Jack "I will never stop until I've ruined the world" Black.

--- Lacuna Inc. - Eternal Sunshine just got real, yo.

--- Hey Look, Michelle Williams as Marilyn again.

--- Sequelizing Southland - I love you Richard Kelly, really I do, but you have got to take a vacation. Please come back to us here in Earth. And I say that as someone who's grown to like Southland Tales quite a bit.

--- Tits & AMPAS - Didja hear that Jimmy Franco and Annie Hathaway are hosting the Oscars this year? How gay is that shit? If by gay I mean awesome, as in awesomely gay. Awesome.
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Five Frames From ?

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What movie is this?
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