Monday, November 29, 2010

Other Drugs, Like Crack, Is Wack


When Love and Other Drugs comes out onto DVD - or probably before that, as soon as a clear-enough copy finds its way online - you can be sure that I'll post a slew of caps of Jake's beautiful behind and various other body parts that he puts so spectacularly on display in the film. Those things are to be loved and cherished forever, of course. (Also that shot that's made its way online of his supposed penis is in no way his penis, it's a sheet - believe me, my eyes were penis-seeking missiles aimed at the screen and sadly they never found their target.)

From there however, this is a film to be dumped into a dumpster and set on fire. To be peed and pooed upon. To be thrown at the faces of people you don't like. To be dropped from airplanes onto terrorists heads. If we ever run out of basic building materials we could build prisons out of these DVDs and no one would escape because no one would want to touch the walls, lest they catch whatever strain of diphtheria-riddled bullshit this monstrosity slaps a spooky hobgoblin mish-mash of feel-good music over and calls heartfelt.

Oh Jake and Annie, you tried, you really tried. Here and there the camera lingered and a spark of your genuine adorable humanity managed to creep through the swill. But then the movie pulled up its dress to its knees and squatted over you and dumped all over your efforts again.

This is one of those movies that seems made by space-aliens who haven't ever actually seen real human people interact. Next to nothing seemed genuine. Jake's family seemed like a bunch of people were waiting in the green room to go on Leno and a camera happened to catch their stilted camaraderie. (Still, hi Jill Clayburgh! Sorry this is your second-to-last, nice lady - let's hope Bridesmaids treats you better.)

I worried beforehand when I saw clips of Jake and Anne's "meet cute" with the boob-popping and briefcase-bashing that fell as flat as Jake's stomach about the tone of this thing but I had no idea that it could possibly be so erratic. You know what I want to see right after a somber scene recounting the struggles of a bunch of real-life Parkinson's patients? I immediately want to see more of Jake's rancid brother character bare-assed and grabbing boners, that's what I want!

This thing's script embarrassed and offended me. At a certain point I knew we wouldn't be getting Jake naked again and I really considered leaving. I don't really understand how it got made, or if Ed Zwick was just on a whole bunch of those Other Drugs the whole time he was cutting this together, or what. I mean perhaps if I spent hours staring at Jake Gyllenhaal naked in front of my camera I'd be too dizzy to edit shit too, but I wouldn't have the balls to shove this mess in anybody's face and ask politely for Oscars either.


Anonymous said...

What do you want, you little f*ckers?

more of these idiots


pz myers does not exist…

atheists, we’re gonna cut off your heads…


RJ said...

^Cool story, bro

Anyway, I can't say I was ever that interested, and all this talk about the brother character has really soured me to seeing it.

greggiboi said...

I saw it and savored what I saw of Jake but loathed the entire storyline. It struck me as a Hallmark Channel movie with a few "naughty bits". The 40 other people in the theater on Black Friday--obviously a select group unless they'd come in to recover from those early am sales of crap nobody needed at prices a bit closer to the actual value of the stuff--seemed to like it fine. I overheard one guy ask his companion "what's so special about Niagara" but he must have been joshin'.