You Never Put A Monkey Man In Pants, Yo

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Yesterday when we posted the first ab-intense images of Alexander Skarsgard in The Legend of Tarzan (and then the poster) we figured this meant that a trailer was imminent, and sure enough as soon as I got home last night and plopped on the sofa, ta-dah!
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Oh well better late than never getting to stare at Alexander Skarsgard's half-naked body at all. Now for those of us (aka all of us) who were flummoxed by the sight of a Tarzan in pants, gasp horror et cetera, the trailer does give us a hint of hope...

The CG is still shaky on a lot of the shots of Skarsgard flipping around the jungle (I'll never get why studios allow trailers to come out and show images where the visuals aren't ready yet -- these first images are gonna color our opinions and set the tone for every single person coming at your movie until it's out, people!), but it really does look like Skarsgard could be trouser-less...

... in the first quick glimpses we get of him. Are these flashbacks to his Tarzan life before this movie's story starts? You probably know this movie's set long after Tarzan has moved to the Big City and learned to be a human person who sips tea, only to get dragged back by that lady friend of his who's always getting into trouble.

Him Tarzan, Jane troublemaker. Anyway it's impossible to tell really what's happening below the waist in these fast flashes (those damn pants would have to be flesh-colored) and since this isn't quite at the Zapruder Film level let's just focus on the shirtlessness we can be sure of, at least. Hit the jump for all of the pics...

Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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The Legend of Tarzan (2016)

I know you know that the only reason I am doing this death scene of Christoph Waltz' generally forgettable "Stock Christoph Waltz Villain Character" in the finale of this movie, and therefore spoiling it for those of you who missed the film in the theaters (it hits blu-ray on October 11th) is because this moment...

... just begged to get giffed, and get giffed but good. It's almost enough to make this a way TO die - if he actually killed Waltz between his rock-hard thighs like he was a bad Bond Girl this would most certainly be a way TO die. Unfortunately Christoph's time in Sweet Rock-Hard Skarsgard Heaven comes to an end, and that's where the horror begins. Just remember - if you end up between Alexander Skarsgard's rock-hard thighs, you stay between Alexander Skarsgard's rock-hard thighs. NO MATTER WHAT. 

I'll never let go, Alex. I'll never let go.

The Legend of Tarzan is pretty standard stuff - if I was ten-years old I maybe would've enjoyed it, having not seen many movies before that trod the same great big manly footsteps a million times already, and thankfully for the movies there are lots of those ten-year-olds out there. And every time I felt a bit bored something like...

... this happened and I perked up. For the NOT ten-year-olds in the audience! Actually thinking back on me as a ten-year-old I totally would've enjoyed half-naked Alexander Skarsgard too, only I wouldn't really have had the words for those strange tingly sensations. 

It's a shame what they did with Margot Robbie's Jane though -- they pretend she's no damsel (she even gives a speech about not being a damsel) and then the last act of the film is her tied up, dragged around by men, with Tarzan needing to save her. Barf. Oh well.

I can't totally complain.

Hit the jump for links to the Previous Ways Not To Die

Pic of the Day

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We'll probably get a better quality copy of this before I even click post here but I'll just update it if we do -- via Tumblr comes that, a snapshot of a new promotional shot of Alexander Skarsgard shirtless in his Tarzan movie, apparently out of the latest issue of Empire magazine. In case you missed them here is the "Shirtless Alexander Skarsgard" heavy trailer for the film, and here is the "Shirtless Alexander Skarsgard" heavy other promotional picture for the film and here is the "Shirtless Alexander Skarsgard" heavy poster for the film. Sell, sell, sell your monkey movie.

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Jungle Fever

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The Legend of Tarzan is out in a week and a half and if you close one eye, spin around fifteen times, and stand on your hands, you'll still end up staring Alexander Skarsgard's abs in the eye. (And yes Alexander Skarsgard has so many abs they need eyes, apparently.) I assume they're using something else to sell this movie during the Saturday Morning Kiddie Shows, but from my grown-ass perspective it's sex sex sex for this Tarzan. All things considered (Alexander Skarsgard being All Things) this is probably the way for them to go. On that note, hit the jump for several new and extremely high-quality (click 'em to grow) pictures...

My Favorite Part...

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... of the first poster for The Legend of Tarzan (side-note: apparently this movie is called The Legend of Tarzan and not just Tarzan then? Okay.) that is not Alexander Skarsgard's nipple is the news that this movie will be in 3D and therefore Alexander Skarsgard's nipple(s) will be poking us in the eye(s) for ninety minutes! Hooray for modern technology! In case you missed the first two nipply pictures from the film earlier today, click here. No seriously click on that link. Seriously.

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I Am Link

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--- Dead Walker - We still don't know much about it besides it will be a horror movie and it will star Carey Mulligan (and we've known both those facts for awhile) but Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn announced on Twitter that I Walk With the Dead will be the next movie he makes. Super excited for him to make a movie with a female lead (he needs to step away from the Gosling for a minute). And proper horror, at that.

--- Midnight Eaters - We already celebrated Gremlins' 30th Anniversary yesterday with this week's Ways Not To Die, but if you want more Gremlins (and who wouldn't) then this piece over at The Playlist is pretty swell, talking about how the film was responsible (along with Temple of Doom) for getting the PG-13 rating invented and how that changed movie-making in general. It's a legacy!

--- Smash Plus - Slash rounds up some quotes from Mark Ruffalo, who says that his role as Bruce Banner and The Hulk in The Avengers sequel is bigger and more complex than in the first one - this makes sense since everybody considered him a highlight of the first one, and was predicting a standalone movie for him. More Ruffalo's never a bad thing anyway!

--- Big Stand - I skipped over all the The Fault in Our Stars talk in this interview with its director (so yes I skipped 90% of it) just so I could get to the good stuff where he talks about his next movie, which will supposedly be a big-screen adaptation of Stephen King's The Stand. I say supposedly because people have been trying to make The Stand for many years and come and gone with regular frequency. Anyway he says he wants to make a 3-hour R-rated version with a bunch of giant stars.

--- Gay Games - EW has the first couple of pictures of Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game, where he's playing Alan Turing, the gay spy and mathematician who basically ended World Wat II by decoding German transmissions and in return got persecuted for his sexuality until he killed himself. Happy story, this one!

--- Small Screen Hardy - Tom Hardy says that he thinks that television is where its at these days - apparently his production company's looking to work with NBC (and he's already making a show for the BBC). Long story short, let's get Tom Hardy on Hannibal, that's what I'm looking for here.

--- King of the Jungle - Djimon Hounsou has just joined the Alexander Skarsgard Tarzan movie; he'll be playing a Chief in the jungle - now all we need is for them to write the character of Jane right out of the story altogether and make it a romance between Alex and Djimon, because come on who doesn't want to see that???

--- Post Patsy - Brad Pitt is going to produce and Lupita Nyong'o (yay!) is going to star in a movie called Americaneh, an adaptation of a book by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie about two Nigerians dealing with immigration difficulties and love. It's an incredibly well-reviewed book - anybody read it? Hooray Lupita! Let's hope they get a great director on this.

--- Geeks Vs Supes - There's a rumor going around that the reason Jesse Eisenberg was hired to play Lex Luthor is they're re-envisioning LexCorp as a Facebook-type company - think youthful, hipster, glass offices and bean bag chairs, et cetera. Basically once again proving that these dudes with their hands on Superman have the smallest dick imaginations on Earth, they thought The Social Network was cool, and hey let's drop that in the middle of our Superman movie. SIGH.

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The Big Swede Swings

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Oooh ooh, ahh ahh -- The Legend of Tarzan's not out until July 1st but here we are with a second trailer (here's the first one if you missed it) - this one does push the story aspect a little bit more, but don't you worry, there's still plenty of time for Alexander Skarsgard to swing around without a shirt on. I mean, priorities.

(I don't know about you but I had to slow that shot down to see what we were seeing up that dude's loincloth.) I actually think this trailer's slightly less cheesy than the first one was -- the special effects are getting crisper and the world's looking bigger, at least.

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What do you think? Go ahead and hit the jump lots more 

Shirtless Skarsgard for your viewing pleasure...
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Watch Where You're Putting That Thing, Sam

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Has Samuel L Jackson even been in any of the Tarzan trailers released before? I don't remember seeing him once but then again I'm an unreliable witness because all I was looking for in those trailers was Alexander Skarsgard's abs. Anyway that new picture comes via this Summer Movie Preview at USA Today, which has new pictures from all the big movies coming down the pike. There's nothing terribly exciting save Alexander Skarsgard's abs, though.

Good Morning, Tarzan

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The first two images of Alexander Skarsgard (and some Margot Robbie person I guess is somewhere in there underneath that pile, that mountain, of abdominal muscles) in David Yates upcoming Tarzan movie have been revealed and holy shit, hole lee shite, somebody's been hitting the gym. The movie's out in July -- hopefully we'll get a trailer soo and it will be nothing but bending and flexing, bending and flexing. What's with the pants, though? I demand a goddamned loincloth!

Quote of the Day

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Alexander Skarsgard has been making the good-natured rounds with Tarzan this week, keeping a lovely smile on his face for what's probably gonna be a bit of a flop - he's a pro and as a pro he does what pros do, which is keep selling selling selling that ass. I've read a few of these interviews and he keeps batting around questions about the lack of a loincloth in the film but this interview over at PrideSource (leave it to the gays) is the first time I've seen him admit that "the lack of a loincloth" translates to, in flashbacks, total nakedness. Which makes sense, given the case he's been making! And this being a PG-13 family tent-pole (ha ha I said tent-pole) I doubt we're gonna get full-on cock shots. Still, it's a selling point. (thx Mac) But that bit's not the quote to take away from that interview - the keeper is at the very end, right after he and the interviewer talk about prepping for gay sex with Ryan Kwanten:

PrideSource: When can we expect you to do
something as gay as True Blood again?
Skarsgard: (Laughs) Well, I mean,
next time I get drunk probably.

And he ain't teasing us either, seeing as how we've got several on-the-record examples (see here and especially see here... and he was probably drunk when he did this too) of just that happening!

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Christoph Angles For Alex's Vine

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The last we'd heard about the Tarzan movie with Alexander Skarsgard it was on indefinite hold, which we'd taken as an indefinite never, which murdered our Alex loincloth dreams... so this news today perks up our spirits - Variety says that Christoph Waltz is in talks to play the movie's bad guy. David Yates, he of the last several Harry Potter movies, is apparently still the director; they say they're still casting about for their Jane though, which must mean that Jessica Chastain ain't happening. Boo, she would've been fab... but not too big a boo, because I don't give a shit who's in it as long as I get my Skarsgard loincloth dreams back.

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Alex Knows What We Wanna Know

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This interview with Alexander Skarsgard is mostly about him crying like a vampire baby when they finished filming True Blood but the very end swerves over to what he's working on next, which is the Tarzan movie, and because Alexander Skarsgard is a good boy (see other proofs of this here and here and here and so on) he immediately answers the most important question of all:

"I’m playing Lord Greystoke. He lives in England with his wife, Jane. The story is obviously based on the novels, so he was born and raised in the Congo. He starts in England as a very well-adjusted British lord, but goes back to the Congo. It’s there that the adventure begins down. The suit definitely comes off pretty early on in the story. [Laughs]"

Loincloths ho.

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Pic of the Day

(click to embiggen) If you'd have asked me what young actor would suddenly enter Jean-Claude Van Damme Movie Territory I would've come up with about several dozen answers before I got to Bill Skarsgard -- not that Bill's ever been anything save a fine slab of man but his older brother's cornered the market on "oiled-up and ripped" more than he ever has, favoring the Pennywise end of the spectrum to its Tarzan opposite. And yet here we are confronted with the first photo from his upcoming action-thriller Boy Kills World (via EW, thx Mac), which has Bill playing "a deaf mute with a vibrant imagination [whose] family is murdered [so] he's trained by a mysterious shaman to repress his childish fantasies and become an instrument of death." Sure, why not? I guess he probably felt the need to beef up since he's currently the ten thousandth actor that's been cast over the past few decades to play The Crow in a new film -- we'll see if this one happens! In related...

... have any of you been watching Bill's new series Clark on Netflix, about the dude who the phrase "Stockholm Syndrome" was invented back in the 1970s? I haven't but I have been keeping track on his nudity on the show and it appears to be lots and lots. Add it to your queues then! And while you're at it send a fruit basket to Stellan Skarsgard -- he clearly raised his boys right. And what the hell, I went and gathered up a few shots of his nudity from the show, so go ahead and hit the jump for a brief gallery of same...

Alexander Skarsgard Six Times

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Several more - six, to be precise! - pictures from Alex's shoot for Men's Health UK surfaced this week, well after we shared the initial three pictures at the beginning of July around the time Tarzan came out, and so if you hit the jump you will find them. P.S. I have got a surprise movie screening to run to, so this will have to be my farewell for the evening. Enjoy...