Thursday, August 06, 2009

Thursday's Ways Not To Die


RIP Barb Coard! You will always and forever be Margot Kidder's bright and shining (and drunk and belligerent) greatest achievement. Lois who? In her honor, here without interruption is a pearl of (sloshed) wisdom, a (wasted) life lesson if you will, from The Lady Coard herself:

"Did you know, this is a very little known fact, but... did you know that there's a certain species of turtle that... there's a certain species of turtle that can screw for three days without stopping. You don't believe me, do you? Well, I mean, how could I make something like that up?

No, really! They just... three days, 24 hours a day, wha-voom! Wha-voom! Wha-voom! Can you believe that, three days? I'm lucky if I get three minutes! Do you know how I know this? Because I went down to the zoo and I watched them. It was very boring. Well actually, um, I, uh, didn't stay for the whole three days, I went over and I watched the zebras, because they only take thirty seconds! Premature ejaculation!"

Now that... that is character. That is what's missing from bullshit remakes without heart that get churned out today, like the Black Chrismas remake slash abortion. Bless you, Bob Clark.

Anyway, today's Way Not To Die was "inspired by" (that's the polite way to say "ripped off from") Final Girl Stacie Ponder's love-letter to the film that she posted on Tuesday. Stacie listed all the things she loves about original-flavor Black Christmas, which led to:

"7. Death by crystal unicorn

This really needs no explaining, but in case you don't get it: someone is killed WITH A CRYSTAL UNICORN."

Indeed! Fancy that. How could I resist after that? I could not. I am only human. Of flesh and bone. Am made. Also, I knew that I could have a blast making the title-card for this death, and I did. The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn!!! Unicorns, rainbows, curly-q'd fonts with i-topping stars! Whee a blast. A blast was had. By all. I'll shit sparkle-dust for a week.

But since this was "inspired by" a post of Stacie's it's only fair that I contribute back in her general direction - have y'all given her money for her movie? She's doing reshoots on her horror film Ludlow (well she says they're not reshoots, that she's juuuust short of it being feature-length and wants to get it there, but I know she's really just gonna go add the porny parts now and digitally erase everyone's tops and bottoms from the film she already shot. I'm onto you, Ponder!) and could use some cash for the porn and maybe some beer-nuts and what-not, so go give it to her! Beer-nuts don't buy themselves! If you donate more than 10 bucks - just one pack of smokes and one Red Bull - you get your friggin' name in the credits and are entered into a lotto to win stuff, like maybe a fistful of original Ludlow, California dirt in an envelope mailed to you mixed with some saliva. Whee! Seriously, help the lady out. She's given the world so much laughter. And what have you given it, huh? Herpes? Anal fissures? That's what I thought.

Previous Ways Not To Die: The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head


Joe Reid said...

"Anal fissures"? It's ten in the morning, man.

Jason Adams said...

Joseph, there is no right time of day for anal fissures.

Stacie Ponder said...

That title card is the best thing I've ever seen in my whole entire life!!

Thanks for the support, friendo. We need all the help we can get- you'd be surprised (or WOULD you?) how expensive a quality foot-long double dong can be. Still, my homage to Requiem for a Dream won't be complete without it.