Mankind Has An Expiration Date

Here's the poster for Neil Marshall's Doomsday (via here),
out on March 14th:

Dost mine eyes deceive me,
or is somebody getting ass-fucked by a gun in there?
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Our Best Picture Nominees in 150 Words or Less

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We start with a girl. A girl who OH MY GOD, THIS IS SUPER-QUIRKY flopping jogger packages QUIRKY, UNDERSTAND? and Jennifer Garner is all rearranging her cloth napkins and then TWEE TWEE Hamburger Phone TWEE TWEE some inappropriate feels-incestuous-sorta-but-is-really-just -inappropriate dancing but baby bump interruptus WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS TOUCHING CHARACTER MOMENT FOR THE SCRIPT TO BUTT IN Michael Cera strums. I'll never forgive you for "home-skillet" or "honest to blog."

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Daniel Day Lewis. Daniel. Day. Lewis. Daniel Day. Lewis. Lewis, Daniel Day. Daniel Day Lewis. Cue the dissonant strings! Anybody want a milkshake? TOO BAD.

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Delivered in three character-focused haikus!

Stripped naked in the boardroom,
a secret spilled.
Too many baguettes.

Charred rental car
a wake-up call.
Symbolic horses whinny; run.

The vice-grip of routine,
speeches practiced to perfection.
A silk blouse's pit stains.

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This girl excuse me LADY liked this guy but her sister was all nyah-nyah rapeykins but then she didn't but then she did but then they were happy - symbolized by a good beach-frolic, shocker - but then they were dead and alone and sad, so sad, cuz it was a story see and yeah I do like a nice green dress, who doesn't, but did the green dress actually exist or was that part of her story that she's sticking to... I don't know... just like the ferris wheel, who had a ferris wheel in the middle of a war? I don't know either but she seriously never rethought that haircut in eighty years? Cunt.

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"And now I speak to you, are you in there?
You have her face and her eyes
but you are not her.
And we go at each other like blankets
who can't find their thread and they're bare.

Can't stop what's coming.
Can't stop what is on its way."

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Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)

You just know the Grail Knight had been sitting on that zinger for a few centuries. He probably had arguments with himself over what he'd say when he got the opportunity. "Okay, what about 'That surely went down the wrong tube!'? No no no. What about, 'Your mother warned you to drink slowly!'... argh. Blasted fool! What are the kids saying these days anyway? I wish I had a newspaper or something. Is that a zit I feel coming in? Goddamit."

And yeah, this death, like most of Indiana Jones and His Greatest Hits the Last Crusade, kind of feels like a repeat of the whole face-melting-off schtick from the first film... but I still like it. I like that this movie was top-dollar at the time and it still resorted to the first couple of steps in aging this fella by cheap cuts in the editing room. And it's good old fashioned dummy work.

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Previous Ways Not To Die: Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head
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I Am Link

--- Nothing says "Visionary" like Brett Ratner - Seems Universal's considering Mr. Rush Hour himself as their replacement for Mark Romanek on The Wolf Man. And whatever geek-fit I might've thrown over this, Harry Knowles does the spit-flinging better. I guess they want another Van Helsing on their hands then? Universal seems totally committed to raping their classic monster history, huh?

--- Rogue Not Rogue Any More - Well, sort of. Dimension, aka the Weinstein Twits, have revealed they're really truly gonna release Greg McLean's giant-croc movie Rogue... sometime this Spring. Way to be definite there, Harvey. Sometime in 2008, maybe! Really! Or, ya know, before the film-stock dissolves. Maybe. We'll see.

--- As expected, director Matt Reeves is already in talks for the Cloverfield sequel. I'm infatuated with the idea of a sequel taking place on the same night only through someone else's viewfinder, so they'd better go that route. The boyfriend suggested a news crew, and I like that. And I want a glimpse of our heroes from the first film running by at some point. Small demands really, but the vengeance I'll wreak if left unheeded shall be massive! Or... I'll whine on here a lot. Whatever.
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Today's Mood

A happy birthday going out to Justin Timberlake.

Pilot Abilene,

Southland Tales

Okay, so I felt much warmer towards Southland Tales with my second viewing than my first, we've established that fact. A big part of that change in perception was due to coming to an understanding of the role of Timberlake's character - that he's essentially our narrator, and... a not altogether reliable one. I'm being kind there, because I don't want to ramble on too much about what the film's about since 99% of y'all haven't seen the film yet, but SPOILERS BE HERE, avoid your eyes if you want to see it first- he's totally unreliable, and the entire yarn we're watching is him spinning is him trying to make a hero out of his combat buddy who committed suicide after coming back from Iraq. You don't realize, at first how important Timberlake's character is; hell, I didn't realize it until halfway through my second viewing of the film. And I'm still unconvinced that that is anything but sloppiness on Richard Kelly's part.

But Timberlake, once you get what's going on, is quite good here; so much better than he was in Black Snake Moan, a film I really disliked and he shouldered plenty of the blame for its suckiness, from my perspective. Anyway, he redeemed himself to me, actor-wise, with Southland. I don't exactly think he's ever going to be the next Laurence Olivier, mind you, but he's always been terrific on SNL so perhaps his next role, in Mike Myer's comedy The Love Guru, will help him play to his comedic strengths.

Also his strengths, in case Mr. Myers is listening?

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I Learnt A New Word Today!

I'm always trying to learn. I seek out knowledge everywhere I go. Hell, I'm downright thirsty for new knowledge. Always learning, embroadening my horizons, what nots and bewhozits. Anyway, what is my new word?

That's right. Padackles. Apparently that's the union of the names of those boob-tube-brothers Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles of Supernatural when their online fans, ahem, hook them up. Like so:


Ah, gotta love the internet.

How did I come about stumbling upon this term? Well, that's neither here nor there, really. I will say my, ahem, search was brought on by this photograph over at Low Resolution however. I'm a sucker for brothers in matching slutty priest costumes. Always have been.
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Dario Argento's Deal With The Devil(s)

Oh joy. Another horror filmmaker has gone and signed over the rights to their next horror flick to those wascally wabbits the Weinsteins, thereby shuffling its chances of ever being seen straight off this mortal coil. Gah. Anyway, via BD:

"The Weinstein Company has acquired domestic distribution rights to Dario Argento's forthcoming Giallo, which is still yet to be filmed. Giallo stars Vincent Gallo as a serial killer and Ray Liotta as the detective who is pursuing him. The Weinstein's have also committed to distribute Argento's The Mother of Tears on DVD here in the States via Genius Products. Myraid is planning a limited NC-17 release for the film this spring."

This is what I picture the scene like over at Weinstein Inc. - A lackey walks into Harvey's office, grinning devilishly, and tells him that they've coerced another filmmaker into signing on the dotted line. Harvey smiles delicately, and then vomits feces from his eye-slits and sets fire to a village in Cambodia and rapes a dozen nuns with the torn-off limbs of a dozen orphans and invents a cancer that eats rainbows and butterflies and then takes a call from Billy Bush and says "All is going to plan, Master."
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Hi, Jack

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Oh my goodness, you guys... Lost is back tomorrow night! Can you effing believe it? Last we saw of these dudes there were future-beards and hobbit-soups flying all willy-nilly. Nuts!

Anyway, if you're as wet down there as I am for the return of the second best show (Hi, BSG!) on television, then you ought to head over and check out Doc Jenson's 12 things you need to remember about the show before it comes back tomorrow night. It's been some time since that kuh-razy finale and the recap of certain things seems handy.

And Jack (I swear...), I better find out soon what was up with that damned four-toed statue. Were the previous island residents big Simpsons fans or what?
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Once Again

Even though I'm sure everyone that cares about this matter has already found out the happy news and moved on, I figure I might as well follow up, however belatedly, on the positive turn that a negative took. Yesterday I posted on AMPAS's possible turnaround of the film Once's nomination for Best Song for "Falling Slowly" due to the song's having been played and recorded a couple of times before the film came out. The Carpetbagger posted an update last night:

"At the 11th hour, members of the executive committee of the music branch of the Academy met and decided that in spite of some questions about the validity of “Falling Slowly,” a nominee for best song from the movie “Once”, the song was eligible and would be on ballots that shipped tomorrow morning. Charles Bernstein, chairman of the music branch executive committee, speaking to the Bagger by phone, read part of the committee’s statement on the matter:

The Academy’s music branch executive committee has met and endorsed the validity of “Falling Slowly” as a nominated achievement. The committee relied on written assurances and detailed chronologies provided by songwriter of “Falling Slowly,” the writer-director of “Once” and Fox Searchlight.

The genesis of the picture was unusually protracted, but director John Carney and songwriter Glen Hansard were working closely together in 2002 when the project that became ‘Once’ was discussed. ‘Falling Slowly’ began to be composed, but the actual script and financing for the picture was delayed for several years, during which time Mr. Hansard and his collaborator Marketa Irglova played the song in some venues that were deemed inconsequential enough to not change the song’s eligibility.

Mr. Bernstein said he had called Mr. Hansard in Dublin with the news and described him as “delighted.” Mr. Bernstein said that various parties had raised questions about whether the song had been performed and/or recorded before it became part of the movie, but said that the committee was satisfied that it was written for the film and as such represented a song writing achievement worthy of inclusion in the nominees.

“We needed to address whether the song was written specifically for the the film and the second issue was whether it had been played prior to the inclusion in the film — did this constitute a reason to ineligible-ize it,” said Mr. Bernstein. “The first issue was satisfied by a sworn statements attesting to the fact that it was written for the film along with a chronology, and the second issue was settled by the fact that it had only been performed in Europe and the Czech Republic and not in a way that would have given it advantage or influence here.”"

Definite good news. So what are its chances of winning? I'm still a Negative Nancy in that regard. But a wise man played by Morgan Freeman (aren't they all) once taught me to keep hope alive, so I'm gonna do just that. Thanks, Morgan!
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Pic of the Day

I have to admit that other thoughts crossed my mind when I clicked on the post titled "Indiana Jones Is Holding His Bazooka" at AICN. What? Harrison might be as old as dirt's paternal grandfather, but I'd still do him. Anyway, here's Indiana Jones holding a literal Bazooka, via Empire:

I'm still getting goosebumps from seeing Karen Allen in the action.
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5 Off The Top Of My Head - Birthday Bale

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Christian Bale turns 34 years old today. I stand by my claim that it seems impossible that he's still so young, but I suppose being a child actor gives the illusion that having such longevity in "the biz" makes one older than one seems to be. Anyway, I did a massive picture post for Mr. Bale's birthday last year, which you can view right here, so this year I'll do something a little bit different. Here are my five favorite performances by Mr. Bale. And I should mention, while looking through his filmography I see there are a lot of his films that I've missed, shame on me, so their absence reflects poorly upon me, not his other work. But of what I have seen, these are my faves:

Jamie Graham, Empire of the Sun (1987)

"Learned a new word today. Atom bomb.
It was like the God taking a photograph."

Arthur Stuart, Velvet Goldmine (1998)

"I will mangle your mind."

Patrick Bateman, American Psycho (2000)

"I have to return some videotapes."

Trevor Reznik, The Machinist (2004)

"Right now I wanna sleep. I just want to sleep."

Dieter Dengler, Rescue Dawn (2006)

"Empty what is full. Fill what is empty.
Scratch what itches."

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I Am Link

--- What's the deal with Mark Romanek? Why can't he get another movie made? At this point I'm beginning to think it's him, that he's some sort of capital-A Artist who's incapable of making the necessary adjustments one needs to make as a director when your name isn't Steven Spielberg. What am I on about? Citing that ol' chesnut "creative differences" Romanek has dropped out of directing The Wolf Man only a few weeks before it was set to start filming. AICN gives us a couple of names for possible replacements, including Cloverfield's Matt Reeves, although he's probably too busy and frankly in demand at the moment to jump on board. I'm sure they'll find somebody. Why am I annoyed? because Mark Romanek's music videos are some of my all-time favorites, and the one movie he's managed to make, One Hour Photo, while far from perfect gave me hope we'd see a lot more coming from Romanek in the future. OHP was six years ago. Pull your shit together, man.

--- Continuing with the pissy ranting, they're remaking A Nightmare on Elm Street, are they? And of course Michael Bay's got his paws on producing. I... oh god whatever. I'm a broken man. I was going to say that I can't imagine someone other than Robert Englund playing Freddy Kreuger, and then AICN went and threw Ben Foster's name out there, and... yeah, maybe. Not that I have any hopes that this'll be well managed. But Foster's on such an amusing over-the-top streak as of late I can picture him donning the knife-glove.

--- I hadn't mentioned anything about those rumors of Johnny Depp replacing Heath Ledger, at least in part, in what remains to be filmed of Ledger's role in Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus because it seemed a little early to be thinking about it. But DH has word from Christopher Plummer, who was Heath co-star in the film, that Depp's too busy with Michael Mann's next film and that Gilliam is seriously considering using CG to graft Heath's face onto other actor's bodies, like what was done when Brandon lee died while filming The Crow. I get Gilliam's desire to finish the film as a tribute to Heath, and I find it commendable - I really want to see the work Heath did in his final days myself - but I liked the using other actors approach better. The whole CG-face-grafting thing... what can I say, I'm semi-old-fashioned, it creeps me out. Like when Audrey Hepburn dances for The Gap or Gene Kelly dances with a vacuum. Shudder.
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Quote of the Day

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How can I resist? From a story at People (via Towleroad) about how close Jake Gyllenhaal still felt to Heath Ledger just recently:

"[Gyllenhaal]'s somber mood is a sharp contrast to the happier times on the set of Brothers. During one intense early prison scene, Gyllenhaal jokingly reached into his pocket and took out a picture of his Brokeback beau to stick on the prison wall. 'Like those prisoners put [loved ones] on the wall, but Jake's was Heath Ledger,' one set source recalls. 'That was hilarious. It was a nice moment.' The source adds, 'When you think back on it now, it's touching.'"

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Why Is Frances McDormand...

... pretending to be Julia Roberts in the below picture, the first still released from the Coens next film, Burn After Reading?

(pic from here)

Seriously, it gave me a start. I thought I was looking forward to this movie and then I saw what I thought was Julia Roberts mid-trademarked-insane-cackle and strangely outfitted in her Pretty Woman blond bob and I became afraid.

But no, it's the lovely McDormand, whom I adore and love and wish all the good things on the Earth that don't associate themselves with Mrs. Danny Moder upon.

Why, Frances? Why ya gotta scare me like that?

But then it gets me thinking: when did I become so terrified of Julia Roberts? I used to be a huge defender of her. I still have the entirety of Pretty Woman memorized to a terrifying degree ("I'm a safety girl!"). Not to mention Steel Magnolias ("we went skinny dipping and we did things that frightened the fish."). I have a very, very weak spot inside my cold, barren heart for My Best Friend's Wedding ("I've got moves you've never seen."). I even thought she was terrific as recently as Closer ("It tastes like you but sweeter."). But what it is, what I'm sure has done it, it's gotta be a slow poisoning of my Roberts-like by that brazen theft she performed at the 2001 Oscars. I even like Erin Brockovich well enough (my nemesis Marg Helgenberger be damned!). But that was Ellen Burstyn's Oscar, and I only seem to grow more and more spiteful over her loss with time. Alas.
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AMPAS Continues Its Descent Into Irrelevancy...

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This comes from The Carpetbagger at The New York Times:

"The original song category for the Oscars has already hit its share of clanky notes, what with none of Eddie Vedder’s breathtaking songs for “Into the Wild” making the cut. And now comes quiet word that “Falling Slowly,” the achingly pretty song from “Once” written by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova, may be ruled ineligible. The Bagger has been making some calls and there are indications that that the song, which is up against three, count ‘em three, songs from “Enchanted” in addition to “Raise It Up” from “August Rush,” may have some problems with eligibility requirements...

New bit: Greg Mitchell, the editor of Editor and Publisher and a guy who knows a lot about a lot, suggests in his blog Pressing Issues that “Falling Slowly” was out there for the listening before “Once” hit the screens. He writes:

'Here’s the likely cause: The song, “Falling Slowly,” appeared on two albums before the movie came out — a big no-no for the Academy — but the question is, was it written for the movie specifically and then ended up on the CDs as the film made its slow way to release? It appears on two excellent 2007 CDs by the writer and male star in the film, Glen Hansard: One is from his band, The Frames, called The Cost, and the other is the duet album he made with his co-star in the flick, Marketa Iglova, The Swell Season. You can see The Frames do it via YouTube. He was definitely asked to write original songs for the movie (he wasn’t supposed to appear in it himself at first) but whether “Falling Slowly” was one of them, I don’t know for sure.'"

Way to piss on one of your better nominations of the year, AMPAS. Next thing you know they'll rule Sarah Polley ineligible for her Best Screenplay nomination because she's touched a pen to paper before.
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Tell Me What To Watch Tonight

Should I watch:

A) The Invasion - This, the fourth take on Jack Finney's classic and ever-adaptable tale o' paranoia Invasion of the Body Snatchers, is supposed to suck so hard that Nicole Kidman had to stand away from it in case it shifted the botox in her face and caused fluid to leak out of her tear ducts. But I'm nothing if not a completeist (read: I am nothing), and Daniel Craig, no matter how dire the surroundings, always brings the swoon on. And sometimes ya just wanna watch something ya know's gonna be kinda crappy but ya don't care. Ya know?

Plus, it does have Veronica effin' Cartwright.

B) The Nines - Speaking of swoon, this film apparently begins with:


I'm not made of steel! I am flesh and bone and hormones - oh, so many hormones - like every one else. If you prick me... er, I'll just leave that one alone. Anyway, the film's apparently a bit of a mind-bender, so I've stayed away from reading too much on it. Word's seemed... mixed. But then, a wet half-naked Ryan Reynolds goes a long way towards overcoming any critical faculties my brain might have. Hell, a wet half-naked Steve Guttenberg does, too.

What is with me today? Gah.

Anyway, somebody tell me what to watch. I don't feel like making any decisions. Save me from my own muddled indecision!

I could just lay down and read another 100 pages of Dune again, I suppose... and speaking of Dune, when does Matt Keeslar show up anyway? I keep waiting...

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