I Thought He'd Be Bigger

When news broke last November that Jake Gyllenhaal was thinking about starring in a remake of the trash-classic Road House (one of my life-long faves of trash cinema) with Go director Doug Liman I was... well let's say flummoxed by the news. It's a lot! But I sort of forgot about it being a thing immediately -- one, because the world is even more "a lot" and I get distracted. And two, who the hell thought such a thing would actually come to fruition? Jake announces projects like I announce crushes -- we are easy whores, and our whims are a dime a dozen. And yet here we are nine months later and this news is here to tear out of our wombs like a that little deformed baby in that one movie, you know the one -- Variety is today reporting that the Road House remake starring Mr. Gyllenhaal and directed by Mr. Liman is now a go go go.

"According to the studio, the new take stars Gyllenhaal as a former UFC fighter who takes a job as a bouncer at a rough-and-tumble roadhouse in the Florida Keys, but “soon discovers that not everything is what it seems in this tropical paradise.”

Okay so Jake as a "former UFC fighter" means

that Jake is getting back into Southpaw shape then, I assume?

I can deal with that. But that's not all though! They also announced some co-stars and they include Lukas Gage -- and I wonder if Gage would be annoyed being referred to as "the guy whose ass Murray Bartlett ate in The White Lotus"? I wouldn't be annoyed being referred to as that if given the opportunity; hell I would have business cards made -- and the hot-to-trot Travis Van Winkle...

... (and you can see plenty more o' Travis right here),

and, speaking of Southpaw, Jake's Southpaw co-star Beau Knapp...

... who starred in one of my favorite recent horror films, the wildly underrated Mosquito State. (You should see Mosquito State dammit.) Oh and as if those guys aren't enough to get us excited... did I say Billy Magnussen? That's right. Billy Magnussen!

Remember when Billy humped Jake on the red carpet for their movie Velvet Buzzsaw? I sure remember it. Anyway those are a lot of Jake's former co-stars that he's gathered up, and hot fun ones at that -- this sounds like a party! And I can't believe it didn't occur to me until today -- Jake famously worked with the original "Dalton" himself, Mr. Patrick Swayze, in Donnie Darko. This suddenly makes a little more sense to me? Anyway who knows, the world is insane -- this is hardly the most insane thing in it. We will see!