This has been the moment of 2012 awesomeness.
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Friday, March 29, 2013
TGT12: The Golden Trousers Are Dead
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Long live The Trousers! Aaaand we're done. I hope everybody enjoyed the Trousers this year. I had fun doing them, and now I will go sleep for three days. For the posts where there are polls those things will still be running for about two weeks so remember you can come back and vote anew on those like every other day or whatever. They let you vote again. So do that! And in a couple of weeks I'll check back in and see who you guys picked as your faves. For now, here's is some linkage for your one-stop Pantys shopping.
The Movies!
Here is #20-11!
The Actors!
See them all here, or individually...
Jessica Chastain talks to Logan Lerman
Kirsten Dunst talks to Samuel L. Jackson
Nicole Kidman talks to Garrett Hedlund
Robert Pattinson talks to Ann Dowd
Donny Murphy talks to Jared Gilman
Joaquin Phoenix talks to Kara Hayward
Emannuele Riva talks to Denis Lavant
Jean-Louis Trintignant talks to Nadezhda Markina
Marion Cotillard talks to Daniel Day-Lewis
Matthias Schoaenaerts talks to Gina Gershon
The Gratuities!
Here are the 32 runners-up!
Here is #20-16!
Here is #15-11!
Here is #10-6!
Here are the top five!
The Moments!
Click here for all of the moments of awesomeness!
The Scary Movies!
Here are my six favorite horror films!
The Bad Movies!
Here are my ten least favorite movies of 2012!
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And of course you can just click here to see everything, the pages upon pages of everything, including all the little things that don't fit into the above categories, that I've posted this week. Once again I've topped my previous year's number of posts - I take the word "gratuitous" to heart, I do. Again, hope y'all enjoyed! Until next year this is the end, my friends...
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TGT12: The Great Gratuities #5-1
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This is it! See the runners-up here, #20-16 here, #15-11 here, and #10-6 here. And here they are, our top five gratuitous mensfolk of the year that was 2012. Give them all a hand, and/or a hand-job, whichever, s'up to you and your fate.
Garrett Hedlund in On the Road - Raise your hand if you expected Garrett Hedlund to show his dick off in On the Road. I don't expect a lot of hands there, but then I'm a pessimist and a non-believer in such surprise delights until they literally - literally - slap me upside the face. (Yes that is an invitation, Garrett.) (Also, this movie is apparently only really coming out this weekend? Who knew?) Thankfully Garrett likes to surprise though. Add on the fact that from top to bottom he's just putting out such wanton sex vibes in this thing that the screen just melts. I could watch him and Tom Sturridge spout sexy nonsense at each other all the live long day I could. (I hope their kiss, seen below, ends up on the DVD extras since I think it's edited out of the film.) Kirsten Dunst is basically living my dream - Jake and Garrett all in one lifetime? Kiki wins.
Aaron Johnson in Savages and Anna Karenina - Aaron made the runners-up last year for taking off his shirt in Albert Nobbs, and he made #11 the year before for getting down to his skivvies in Kick-Ass - it was inevitable he'd break the top five once he went further. Inevitability aside, I had no idea what we were actually in for with him once he went further - I think I blacked out during his sex scene in Savages after they showed that ass of his, and everything ever after is a blur. A warm, happy blur. Joe Wright knew well enough to frame it like a piece of art in Anna Karenina too... well not "like" a piece of art. It is a piece of art. Can we get Aaron Johnson's ass in MoMA over next to Tilda? Pretty please? (more here and here)
Matthias Schoenaerts in Rust and Bone and Bullhead - Matty's rise reminds me a lof of Tom Hardy's, in that he made a movie (Bullhead to Tom's Bronson) wherein his newly hulking physicality was central to the point, and so the movie spent the whole time kind of just standing back in awe of these totems of masculinity, which they then disassembled in their various ways. Rust and Bone uses him similarly as this icon of simultaneous extreme strength and vulnerability, but to different effect. Anyway he was naked lots and it totally ruled. (more here and here and here and here and here)
Matthew Bomer in Magic Mike - When the first unrated trailer for Magic Mike came out I titled that post "That Is Matthew Bomer's Ass" because I just couldn't believe my eyes. I was in shock. I mean I knew he was in the movie, I was hopeful of course, but my expectations... they were exceeded, y'all. Matty's second place mostly by virtue of gratitutde, in that I'm so grateful to our #1 for giving me our #2 that our #1 deserves all of the prizes ever. But Matt's got my heart, slash, you know, my absolutely everything. Damn you, Simon Halls! (See more here and here and here and here)
Channing Tatum in Magic Mike and The Vow - The man who made about half of this list possible! My heart belongs to Matthew Bomer really, but how could I deny Channing the prize? He gave me Bomer, and he gave me Pettyfer, and he gave me Manganiello, and McConaughey, and Rodriguez - he gave me all of them and then he went and topped it all off with the cherry that is his own hot ass more times than I can count.
And he made himself an A-lister while he was at it, and it couldn't happen to a finer fella. I actually agree with People magazine for once. This is the sort of example we need to hold high! This is humanity at its best! Hooray for Channing Tatum! Bonus points for his short shorts in 21 Jump Street and his nearly non-stop nakedness when he hosted SNL. (See more Channing here and here and here and here and here and here and here - do you see what I mean??? Give him all the money.)
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TGT12: Actor To Actor #10
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Wherein we imagine a conversation between two of our most valuable players from the previous year's cinema. This round...
Alain (Matthias Schoenaerts) in Rust and Bone meets
Sharla (Gina Gershon) in Killer Joe
Alain: My girl, she doesn't have legs.
Sharla: DON'T SAY THAT WORD!
Previously: Jessica Chastain talks to Logan Lerman; Kirsten Dunst talks to Samuel L. Jackson; Nicole Kidman talks to Garrett Hedlund; Robert Pattinson talks to Ann Dowd; Donny Murphy talks to Jared Gilman; Joaquin Phoenix talks to Kara Hayward; Emannuele Riva talks to Denis Lavant; Jean-Louis Trintignant talks to Nadezhda Markina; Marion Cotillard talks to Daniel Day Lewis
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TGT12: The Great Gratuities #10-6
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Okay-dokey, you can see all of the runners-up over here. You can see #20-16 here, and you can see #15-11 here. Next!
Joe Manganiello in Magic Mike - Top ten is surely nothing to sneeze at, yet I'm a little confounded myself that he's only this high and I'm the one that put him here. Maybe I was annoyed at all the Big Dick Richie talk with the little dick action? I'd argue most of his good stuff was only in the DVD extras but that argument deflates with what's coming further down this list so whatever. He's here, and he is a perfect thing.
Taylor Kitsch in John Carter, Battleship and Savages - Another case a la McConaughey of me being unable to step aside from the sheer volume of the year's gratuity from him - Taylor doesn't totally do it for me, but I know that's blasphemy to some of y'all. And he gets points taken off since they kept the shoulda-been-nekkid John Carter all dolled up in Martian straps. And he had the misfortune of showing off his ass, fine though it may be, only moments removed from an ass which causes angels to erupt into heavenly song (we're getting to that one soon). But you know. He's number nine. There must've been something I liked. Something!
Milo Ventimiglia in That's My Boy - Remember that skinny kid that was in The Gilmore Girls? Yeah me neither. Goddamn Milo has filled out, and out, and out, in all the exact right places. Too bad he's forced to flaunt it in shitty Adam Sandler comedies, but that's supposing that "badness" can attach itself to something so supple and divine as all that there. (see more here)
Alex Pettyfer in Magic Mike - That shot above? Is that the hottest shot in any movie this year? I think it might be the hottest shot in any movie this year. I can't really explain what it is about it that makes me go so crazy. Well the ass certainly helps. I guess it's his sleazy coyness. The whole generic "bad boy" thing is usually lost on me but Pettyfer really, really makes it work. I have posted that shot alone here at the blog like ten times already. It's in the right-hand column right now! It is perfect. But I think he's actually pretty great in Magic Mike all around. And around. Did I say round?
Zac Efron in The Paperboy - This movie is basically a paean to the sight of Zac Efron in tighty-whities. No wonder Macy Gray seemed so stoned all the time - she's high off of laundry detergent for all the underpants scrubbing she's got to do in that house. (Yeah that's why Macy Gray seems stoned.) But if you're gonna make a paean to something, Zac Efron in tighty-whities is pretty much a really really fine choice. Bonus points to Zac for super low-rise boxer briefs he sported in The Lucky One, and all that time he spent half-naked on his hotel balcony too. (More here and here and here.)
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Coming up -- THE TOP FIVE!!!
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TGT12: Actor To Actor #9
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Wherein we imagine a conversation between two of our most valuable players from the previous year's cinema. This round...
Stéphanie (Marion Cotillard) in Rust and Bone meets
Abraham (Daniel Day-Lewis) in Lincoln
Stéphanie: You never texted me back.
Abe: I apologize profusely, m'lady.
I have been down in the back rooms of the House of Representatives
brokering equality for All with the infernal Democrats who refuse
to put aside their pettiness and ill-bred spite and recognize
that all men, born of the same celestial wombs, are Men together!
Stéphanie: So what, you're like gay now?
Is this why you don't text me back?
I know who your wife is. I will call your wife.
Previously: Jessica Chastain talks to Logan Lerman; Kirsten Dunst talks to Samuel L. Jackson; Nicole Kidman talks to Garrett Hedlund; Robert Pattinson talks to Ann Dowd; Donny Murphy talks to Jared Gilman; Joaquin Phoenix talks to Kara Hayward; Emannuele Riva talks to Denis Lavant; Jean-Louis Trintignant talks to Nadezhda Markina
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TGT12: The Great Gratuities #15-11
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Yesterday we gave you the runners-up and the first five of our top twenty of 2012 menfolk flashing their wares - let's keep it trotting along. Here's the next five six!
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TIE: Andrew Garfield in The Amazing Spider-Man - I don't know how many times I typed the words "Spider-Bum" this year but it's got to number in the dozens. What a wonderful use of my time! Let's do it some more! Spider-bum, spider-bum! Does whatever a Spider-bum does! (see more here and here and here and here)...
... and Robert Pattinson in Cosmopolis - Okay so this tie is totally a cheat, I'll fully admit it. Somehow I left Robert off my list in its earlier drafts, so this is me cramming him in. (It's a lot like his limo-bound prostate exam in that way.) This is whereabouts he would've gone anyway, which would have sadly bounced Jesse Williams off the top twenty, so it's all good. It's not like more gratuity is a bad thing! It's kind of the point. In summation, Robert's never been sexier. Cronenberg's whole cold flat thing works wonders - I totally want some afternoon delight with this sociopath.
Charlie Hunnam in Deadfall - Granted it's only a quick flash in a dark room, but I wouldn't be me if I weren't lavishing my everything on a naked Charlie Hunnam, now would I? I've been doing it for a dozen years, I don't know how else to be. And he gets bonus points for the brief side-naked shot in Frankie Go Boom below. (more here)
Henry Garrett in The Wicker Tree - Literally the only moment I remember from this movie, but I'd say it's plenty. Garrett's playing a good ol' boy Christian bumpkin who gets lured into sinning with astonishing ease - well when you've got a body like his, sinning is really the only option, if you ask me.
Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike and Killer Joe and The Paperboy - Here's where this being a personal list rears its head. I know Matt oughta rate higher since this is the year he just said fuck it and let it all and I mean all hang out, in three movies at that! He just does so little for me, personally. Hey at least he made it onto the top twenty, unlike his Magic Mike co-star Adam Rodriguez who similarly does very little for me and only got runner-up status. Count your blessings, Matthew. Your firm, round blessings.
Jean Dujardin and Gilles Lellouche in The Players - I didn't even see this movie and I assume this was a tossed-off gag but oh my god I don't care it turned a dream I didn't even realize I dreamed into flesh. Now we just need to get a pile of American stars to follow suit. (see more here)
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