Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thursday's Ways Not To Die

.

Oh When Time Ran Out..., how do I love thee?
Let me count the ways!

First off the film stars Paul Newman, who proves that fifty-five years old was never more fuckable than when he was working it. Drink it in...


Mmmmmm. Secondly it stars as his love-interest Jacqueline "Busty" Bisset with a mop of frizztastic hair unrivaled this side of Orphan Annie.


Thirdly, Ditka Webster's papa Alex Karras!


Fourthly, William Holden!


And Pat Morita!


And a pair of old coots played by Red Buttons
and Ernest Borgnine who start out hating each other...


... but through the bonding experience of trial and
FUCKING FIREBALLS TO THE FACE
become fast friends.


Aww shucks, old coots, ya plucking my heart-strings!

Fifthly, it has a bearded scientist running from an explosion.


That's probably the most important aspect
of being an Awesome Movie. But When Time Ran Out...
takes it even further. It has erupting volcanoes...


... and earthquakes...


... and rockslides...


... and tidal waves...


It has colorful island locals.


(Who almost all die in the tidal wave.)

It has little kids watching their father fall to his death.


It has rich people in polyester leisure-suits attacking a helicopter,
trying to escape the island...


... which doesn't work out too well.


It has this shot:


I don't know, I just like that shot.

And it all builds to two things: the hotel-exploding lava-bomb seen at the start of this post (yeah, uh, spoiler! That's the ending!), and a scene that's about 20 minutes long just before it where our scraggly group of slowly-picked-off survivors who are making their way across the island to safety have to cross a bridge over a river of lava.


Excuse me, let me sell that the right way: Where they have to cross A Fucking Bridge Over A Fucking River Of Fucking Lava!!!


Which they slowly set across...


... just a few at a time since the bridge...


... starts collapsing...


... and tossing them in...


Sorry, blond-lady-I-don't-remember!


Eek! No! Not Mr. Miyagi!


Yes. Mr. Miyagi. (RIP Mr. Miyagi)

Thankfully, Burgess Meredith shows up with an already-supplied circus back-story (and a dead wife in the bushes - poignant!) to help them across...


Naturally.


But Paul Newman almost falls in while carrying a little girl!


Actually, make that the World's Luckiest Little Girl:


I'll take her place! Somebody put me in her place!

I could've sworn that I'd posted about this film before but I can't seem to find the post. Huh. Anyway When Time Ran Out... was a favorite of mine when I was a kid and I just finally got a copy of it recently so it's long overdue that I give the flick some love.

Let me be very clear about one thing: there is a whooooole lotta boring ass bullshit that surrounds the above described awesomeness. Loads and loads of excruciating relationship nonsense (the three people most prominently displayed in the "Ways Not To Die" at the top, the dude and two chicks, figure into what might just be the most boring love triangle ever captured on film) that stretches on for infinity until you're praying for a lava-ball to hit you in the face.

But then there's a tidal wave or a shot of Mike Ditka Webster's papa Alex Karras (sidenote: I wish I lived in Webster's house. The one with all the secret passages. Remember that episode where the robber broke in and Webster had to hide using the secret passageways? It was Home Alone before Home Alone!) or Mr. Miyagi falls into a lava-river and everything between me and When Time Ran Out... is a-okay again. I love you, When Time Runs Out...! Never leave me!

--------------------------------------
Previous Ways Not To Die: I'd Rather Die Than Be... Satan's Bitch! -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head
.

6 comments:

Brian 5 said...

Holy crap! This is one of those movies I saw as a kid and thought I'd just dreamed it! Thanks for the walk down memory lane. :D

Joe Reid said...

Alex Karras, you mean? I think Ditka's funnier too, but how dare you slight Webster's adoptive father??

JA said...

Jesus I'm a moron. Yes Alex Karras - it's weird, this morning while I was jogging my thoughts turned to the fact that I didn't double-check this very fact while working on this post last night and I had a moment oif doubt. And now you went and beat me to it, Reid! Damn you! I will go fix it now. Sigh. What the hell does Ditka look like then? God I'm lame.

Joe Reid said...

Ditka looks pretty similar. Big head, big shoulders, no neck, thin 'stache. It's not an outrageous mistake to make -- Karras, Ditka, and Dick Butkus (of "My Two Dads" fame) essentially all look like the same guy. Though now you've got me wondering if Ditka ever tried to act. Because that would be amazing.

Glenn said...

This looks amazing!

Unfortunately it's not available here!

JA said...

It wasn't available here forever, Glenn - I guess it came out on DVD in February though. I say "
I guess" because I still thought it was unavailable and found it through "other means" - means which you'd be able to find it through as well if you are so inclined. Ahem. But seriously, I spoiled pretty much the entire film with this post, there's not much you're missing.