Dick Talk

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Apparently there's an article in the new issue of EW about this supposed wave of schlong-osity happening in entertainment these days - topic-du-jour these days, to be certain - what with Viggo's naked bathhouse brawl in Eastern Promises (sidenote: awesome, awesome scene, but why was I the only one who seemed to be cackling? Not from Viggo's nudity, but from the sheer brute hysterical horror of it all? Be straight - there's something wrong with me, right?) and that HBO show and yadda yadda we are living in a schlong-tastic world. In said article, there's a brief interview with Roger Avary, one of the writers of Beowulf, in which they address Beowulf's naked fighting, and I found this lil' exchange amusing:

Avary: ...As it is, I think the movie is going to have to achieve a more tempered rating. I don't think that we're going to be [seeing] Beowulf's gigantic, you know, baby's-arm-holding-an- apple-sized schlong onscreen. However, because this is performance-capture, it's not inconceivable that, at some point down the road, they simply re-render, widen-out shots, move things out of the way and put together a hard-R or NC-17 version of the movie.

EW: I have no idea whether you're joking or not.

Avary: I'm actually being totally serious. Because the data is just captured off the actors' performances, you can, years later, return to that very same data, and make modifications. If Zemeckis, five years from now, says, ''God, it's really bothering me, I wish that there was a wide shot here, or I wish we had covered from this angle.''

EW: Or if he wants to see Ray Winstone's 8-inch schlong.

Avary: I didn't say 8-inch! That's your fantasy. I said, ''a-baby's-arm- holding-an-apple!''

EW: Just to be clear, though, Beowulf is a family movie, right?

Avary: Oh, yeah, absolutely. It's a family movie written by one of the guys who had his hands in Pulp Fiction. So, it's a family movie — but beware."

Can I just say that I've never gotten the phrase "a baby's arm holding an apple"? I've seen a few - okay, more than a few - penises in my time and I have never seen one that even came close to resembling that, and if I did see that I would tell that person to immediately go to the doctor. Hell, I'd call 911 for them. Because there's something wrong if your penis is so swollen that it looks like an apple at the end. Just sayin'.
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