Thursday, April 22, 2021

10 Off My Head: Deep in the Dreamlanders

Tis a high holy -- or if you prefer, a down and dirty -- holiday today, as it marks the 75th birthday of his fetid holiness, his princely puke, the polluted Sultan of Sleaze himself, Mr. John Waters. We are fans, in case that wasn't clear already! I consider JW part of my Unholy Trinity, alongside Vincent Price and Paul Reubens -- the be-all end-alls on who I hope to be -- and it's only right we take a big ol' bite out of this Thursday in celebration of my Mother Mary. I'm not even Catholic but John makes me wish I was an ex-one! 

First things first The Film Experience is doing a week-long-ish John Waters retrospective, and last night my piece on my favorite JW flick of them all, 1974's Female Trouble, went live -- grab some chips, lady, and read it here! It's also John's favorite of his films! And he is correct, per usual. Thing is, the piece I wrote came out more serious than I expected -- it's a lot about the film's debts and indignities with regards to Andy Warhol. 

And I think every word I say there is true! But I also just sorta wanna have some fun with Female Trouble, as long as we're here. It's the single most quoted-by-me movie of all-time -- there isn't a week that passes without one of this script's many outrageous bon-mots passing my lips. Back in 2009 I already did a list of five favorite exchanges from the movie, but I feel as if I can continue on in that vein, given I don't think there's a single unfunny line in the entire movie. But I'll broaden the scope a little, and give you...

10 Favorite Supporting Characters in Female Trouble

Margie Skidmore as School Snitch
"Now they're threatening me, these awful cheap girls. 
My mother told me to report this kind of thing. 
I'm trying to get an education."

Susan Walsh as Chicklette
"It's just a skirt and sweater."

Roland Hertz as Mr. Davenport
"Is it a fishing rod???"

Bob Adams as Ernie
"I'm sure, Miss Thing, I'm sure.
 Pretzels give you plaque."

George Figgs and Sally Albaugh as Dribbles and Sally 

Dribbles : How's your little girl? 
Why don't you bring her in here more often?
Sally : Why? So you can undress her with your eyes? 
For Christ's sake she's only six years old. 
Dribbles : I know, but I just like to play with her. 
I wish I was a little girl. 
Sally: Well throw a goddamn penny in a fountain and 
make a goddamn wish and maybe it'll come true.

Cookie Mueller as Concetta
"Just cuz we're pretty everybody's jealous."

Michael Potter as Gater
"She has a face of an old woman."

Divine as Earl Peterson
"Just cuz you got them big udders 
don't mean you're somethin' special."

Ed Peranio as Wink

Wink: I'm getting a hard-on! Beauty always gives me a hard-on! 
Donna Dasher : Aim it the other way then, Wink. You know how I detest organs. Beauty has absolutely nothing to do with that word, that thing you have hanging there like an 
obscene pickle. Spare me your anatomy.


As made patently clear by that last exchange, not including quotes from the characters I consider more than "Supporting" in Female Trouble -- Divine as Dawn Davenport obviously, along with her daughter Taffy (Mink Stole), her neighbor Aunt Ida (Edith Massey), and her benefactors Donald and Donna Dasher (David Lochary and Mary Vivien Pierce) -- proved a challenge! But one this movie proved more than up to. That said when it comes to the Major Characters I could do a list of ten favorite lines from each and every single one of them, individually. 

"Krishna is love, Mother."

But I won't, because I want y'all to scream your faves at me in the comments! There's nothing I like better than being told to come suck your daddy's dick, hearing one extol the horrors of the heterosexual lifestyle, or rarely eating any form of noodle. So please have at it in the comments, and Happy 75, John Waters!


Matt said...

“I want those cha-cha heels!” Will live on in cinema history.

Shawny said...

Oh my. I forgot that I have never seen this one. I better get a watching.

Anonymous said...

Dawn Davenport: "I hope I get arrested." or "My life is a show! Why is it so hard for people to understand?"