Monday, August 08, 2016

Do You Really Wanna Hurt Me

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Faceless lumps. An endless supply of faceless lumps. The anonymous gray sidewalks of an anonymous city littered with faceless lumps. In stroll some superheroes excuse me super-villains, and with them the color correction, supposedly. They are bright and boisterous and bosomy, every single one (although the costuming only highlights the female cleavage, of course) - they're gonna shake this mutha up right? Well kinda? They are fitfully interesting folks placed in a frantically uninteresting situation, and asked to dance like monkeys for our amusement, and some of them can shake a leg, some of them have legs to shake, some of them a cut off at the knees, stumps a'blazing. Remember when I said this?
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Ahh simpler times, filled with simpler notions, like thinking that because they released an image from a movie said image would actually be in the movie. I was so young, so naive, then. I miss ol' me. Meet new me:
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Is it possible that Suicide Squad might be even worse than Batman v Superman? I kind of feel as if it's possible. As much as I hated BvS I don't recall wanting to walk out in the middle of it, but to walk out in the middle of Suicide Squad is a thing I wanted, and I wanted it hard as a boomerang to the balls. I think it was maybe right around the seventeenth classic song cue in a row heaped up like those faceless lumps of villains? Guardians of the Galaxy is rolling in its grave, David Ayer. Rolling in its grave!!!

I guess what it is is that more than BvS, which I went into expecting a crap sandwich, this movie somehow felt like a personal affront -- like someone actually wanted to hurt me for having expectations. I'd told myself that no movie could be as bad as Batman v Superman, and the suits at Warner Brothers, in between their cocaine enemas and drooling on their keyboards at tentacle porn, were all, "I'LL SHOW YOU MOTHERFUCKERS." Suicide Squad isn't so much a crap sandwich as it is that scene in Salo where they have the shit banquet. Suicide Squad is a Shit Banquet - slap that on your movie posters, motherfuckers.

1 comment:

Legend Rivera said...

I trust your opinion completely. Which is far more than I should, but you've never let me down the way BatsVSupes did.