Monday, July 09, 2012

Transformers 3 in 300 Words or Less

Because Michael Bay's Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon - why do I keep tormenting myself? Why can't I stay away from his movies? There's some kind of sick masochistic side of me just devoted to killing myself slowly with his ineptitude - isn't worth any more of my time, here's everything I tweeted while "watching" it. It says it all.

"Oh my GOD there were, people, lots of people, that argued the 3rd Transformers movie wasn't homicide for your eyeballs. SHAME ON THEM ALL. Every time I think Ive died + gone to hell a false angel shaped like Frances McDormand brings me back just long enough. Alright FUCK THIS SHIT Bill O'Reilly just showed up I am OUT OF HERE."

I then turned the movie off for ten minutes, went and had a very stiff drink, and (regrettably) came back.

"Wait is that Leonard Nimoy voicing Septictank Prime? Pretty sure everybodys script just had the title on it + they were told to improvise from there since they keep saying DARK SIDE OF THE MOON: "Hey look, it's a TRANSFORMER! Did you hear that something happened on the DARK SIDE OF THE MOON???!" says everyone. In an alternate cut of this movie, every single bone in Shia's body was just smashed into a trillion little crumbs, and it ended. Sigh. Okay this pissy bitch slappy spitting fight between Shia and Patrick Dempsey is kind of hot. Okay I'm pretty sure that Transformers 3 just alluded to the Holocaust and the Challenger explosion in a five minute period. Next up, 9/11? This movie needs a lot more of Frances McDormand listening intently to Shia delivering a line and then just saying, "What?" Brain... defeated... cannot... form... pithy... Twitter... witticisms... just want... to die..."

1 comment:

Ronald said...

It makes me feel good about myself that I fell asleep while watching this, and have NO desire to see what I missed.