my new plaid pants: March 2012

Friday, March 30, 2012

Who Wore It Best?

The Man Poodle-Mullet?

It didn't even occur to me to call Slater "Mario Lopez" when I wrote up this poll. There is no Lopez, only Slater! Anyway I don't know what the frick is going on with Sam Worthington's hair in the new Titans movie, but just say no.

Is anybody planning on seeing Wrath? Some of the monsters look nifty in the trailer I think, but so did the Kraken and we all know how that turd turned out. Read up my thoughts on that movie plus this weekend's other news releases over at Celebrity Beehive. I get to make with more inappropriate child murder humor!

The Only Remake of Carrie I Want...

... is the one that stars Young Toni Collette as Carrie

and Now Toni Collette as her mother. Make it happen!

Today's Mood

Brought about by these new pics of Ryan... (via)

Quote of the Day

"I wish I could say, 'Oh listen, everybody! It's the Celine Dion song!' But I don't, I just have to sit there, you know, kind of straight-faced with a massive internal eye roll. [It makes me] feel like throwing up. It's thrilling for people to surprise me with the Celine Dion song."

That's Kate Winslet talking about that Titanic song that took over the world, and I'm sure everybody's going to be posting about it today, but who else is giving you that visual? Just me, that's who! You're welcome.

Five Frames From ?

What movie is this?

Michael Fassbender Two Times

Alright so as you can see a better quality copy of that picture from yesterday has appeared. (via) Plus another attractive shot below. I think this series of pictures is one I'll just keep reposting as the quality gets better and better until we have a shot that's so big you can fill your entire screen with just his nipple. That sounds right.

Good Morning, Warren

Wishing a happy 75th birthday to Warren Beatty today the only way I know how - by posting a bunch of pictures of him being a hot piece in Splendor in the Grass. Hit the jump for several more.

James Van Der Beek Keeps It Tight

When did James Van Der Beek become such a freak?

I mean the Rick James definition of freak,

not the Tod Browning sort, obviously.

Dave Franco Four Times

(via) Yes we just posted new pictures of him yesterday, but whatcha gonna do? There are more, and he looks good. Proves that somebody's decided to push Dave pretty hard this month, though. Mmm pushing Dave Franco hard. That makes me remember that time Dave Franco pushed Dave Franco hard. That was awesome.

Thursday's Ways Not To Die

Charlotte's Web (1973)

Ugh. I apologize. Now I am so depressed. Damn you, Charlotte! The way her little legs fold up and disappear! And then that breeze wafts through her old webs! Ugh! This movie is just so mean. And then, and then! As if that shit wasn't enough...

... this movie ruined my life.

Seriously though did anybody else learn about death from Charlotte's Web? I'm curious. There must be lots of us around my age that were destroyed by this horror story. Oh sure, you'll say, in the end three of Charlotte's saclings stayed because they were too tiny to go...

poll by twiigs.com

... and he got to name them and have three times the friends, or whatever - I never trusted those three. They were out of there the second they got big enough if you ask me. And then Fern grew up and moved away and it was into the frying ban with Wilbur! Damn this movie to hell.

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Previous Ways Not To Die: Speed Bumped For Traffic Spikes -- Shark Versus Jet-Ski -- Hot Oil Treatment -- Tucked In By Jason -- Just A Pair of Snowbodies -- Poison Pellet Kibble Swap -- Dolly Disassembled -- Fire Escape Fall Out -- Unbuggered -- Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent'cha -- Blue Man Gooped -- Tongue Stung -- Now Wouldn't Cha, Barracuda? -- Leaving on a Rat Plane -- Panthers! -- Fashion Faux-Pwned -- "It's Just A Box." -- Blasted Pigeons -- Taunting Ahnuld -- The Too Hot Tub -- Beyond the Veil -- Sunken Prayers-- Super Crack -- Brains Blown -- Fur For The Boogens -- White Hot Bunny Rabbit Rage --Dragged To Hell -- The TV Van That Dripped Blood -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Heads Ahoy --Martyred For Sheep -- Heads Nor Tails -- He Loves Me Knot -- The Great Bouncing Brad --Miss Kitty's 8 Mishaps -- Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed --Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run-- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance-- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry --Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 --Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye --Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away --Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door-- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue-- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!!-- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded --Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare --Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete T o The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head

Five Frames From ?

What movie is this?

Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... having a mid-afternoon snuggle

with a half-undressed John Hamm.

Goodness that hint of Hamm there sure is something to write home about. Well, if you write letters home about how hot and bothered a strange man's belly fur makes you, and that might be a little bit weird. Dear Grandma, Jon Hamm's hairy stomach sure is something, isn't it? PS bake me more cookies. Love, me. I don't know how that would go over. And I think I would prefer such a thing to go over badly, because if Grandma wrote me back about how she touches herself while watching Mad Men we'd have a real problem.

Oh what am I rambling about. Point being, the rest of these pictures from the 5th season premiere of Mad Men should probably be saved for tomorrow's "Good Morning, World" since they'd be a perfect fit but I'm impatient - I don't think anybody else has posted these online yet, from what I can tell. So it's my duty! Hit the jump for 15 more.

I Am Link

--- Weiner Movie - Matt Weiner that is; He's the guy who made Mad Men and now he is making a movie called I Am Here that will star Zach Galifianakis as a no-doubt well-bearded man-boy and Owen Wilson as a crooked nosed side-smirker. Also, the indefatigable Amy Poehler on drums! Oh and Bradley Cooper isn't in it but it felt wrong to cut him out of that picture.

--- Joe & Juli - Goddess Julianne Moore is in talks to play Joe Gordon-Levitt's lothario mentor in his directorial debut, which we'd already heard also has Scarlett Johansson on board as one of his lady conquests. I love the idea of Juli teaching Joe how to be a man-whore!

--- Space Rating - I've stopped reading articles on Prometheus because there's been too much story revealed and I'm willing myself into ignorance, but here's Ridley Scott talking about whether the movie will be rated R or PG-13, which reminds me of this interesting piece at Gawker the other day where fourfour's Rich talked about just how much more money PG-13 movies make.

--- Clyde's Tale - It's only two weeks into the new season and I've already missed the boat both times but here's the latest episode of the terribly fun series Hit Me With Your Best Shot at The Film Experience, this time for the stone-cold classic Bonnie and Clyde. Oh, Clyde. I don't care if you can't get it up! I will hold your gun for you anyway!

--- Safety First - A friend of mine already saw Safety Not Guaranteed and loved it, so I'm looking forward to it terribly, not that I wouldn't have been anyway, what with it starring Mark Duplass and Aubrey Plaza and being some kind of lo-fi spin on Back to the Future. You can watch the trailer here.

--- New Breed - Apparently Clive Barker is going to try to make a TV series based on Nightbreed, his 1990 movie based on his 1998 book Cabal. I've seen Nightbreed but I don't think I ever read Cabal? Is that possible. Anyway this will have a lot of sex and gore and sexy gore and gory sex in it, I'm sure. Maybe he can get David Cronenberg back to play the button-eyed terror!

--- And finally - Holy shit, my friend Sean is going to be covering A Game of Thrones for Rolling Stone! I've only been sending you over to read his writing on this show since forever so this is obviously all my doing. Seriously though congrats to Sean and y'all go forth and read his piece on "The Seven Most Awful Things People Did on Game Of Thrones Season One." (Only seven?) Oh and here's a picture of what I've wished was waiting for me inside every present I have ever opened:

Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Strangers With Candy

Jerri Blank: Being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn't interfere with your having sex.

Happy 51, Amy Sedaris!

Good Morning, World

And Michael Fassbender just keeps right on keeping on...

bless his generous ass. (via, thanks Chris!)

ETA Oh and then there's this:

Good lord. This man is just too much. Too much fill-in-the-blank for me to even take. (But I would die trying.) See another shot over at FF. Oh and I did a little photoshop trickery since the only copy of this we have so far is a snapshot of the page in the magazine - hopefully soon we'll get a proper scan.