Thursday, January 06, 2011

Thursday's Ways Not To Die


Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Becoming: Part 1"

I advertise this here blog as a hotbed of randomness and I think today with the story behind today's Ways Not To Die I've got an ample addition to that pantheon of my brain's oddities. See, Elvismas is just around the corner - January 8th, the birth of our lord and crooner! - so I decided to finally watch Roustabout last evening, which has been sitting on my DVR for a few weeks.

Roustabout is Elvis' 1964 flick where he's a biker (everyone refers to his bike as his "cycle" but pronounce it "sickle," it's very strange) who wears the tightest black pants any man has ever slipped into and makes the rounds of dive bars and carnivals where he sings elaborate and impromptu numbers with the chorus girls and carny whores. He also knows how to karate chop, but this skill isn't utilized often enough as far as I'm concerned. I kept hoping he'd bust out his Miss Piggy like moves on everyone he shared a scene with. Alas!

Anyway he ends up at a carnival run by Barbara Stanwyck - I know! - and she's gruff enough - she is Barabra Stanwyck, after all - but takes an instant shine to this ne'er-do-well kid all the same - I know! But at a certain point he starts to let her down - shocking! - and I have no idea where it came from but I swear to you all I became convinced with every fiber of my being that at a certain point the film was going to take an unexpected turn and Babs was going to make like Drusilla and flick an impressively lengthy fingernail his way and split his throat from ear to ear. And then the remainder of the film would become a chase where she takes up his cycle (pronounced sickle) and throws on some leather mama gear and hits the road, the fuzz hot on her trail. She'd pick up some trashy broad and beat her up a little bit, and then drive her cycle (pronounced sickle) into a volcano, the end.

I guess that's just the movie I kept hoping Roustabout would be. Instead Elvis learned to be a better man and sign contracts and fall in love with the girl with fetal alcohol syndrome and live happily ever after, yawn. My movie woulda been so much cooler.

But back to the Buffy at hand! That daydream got me thinking about this scene in Buffy, which I hadn't thought of in ages, because I always forget Kendra even existed. Which is shameful because I adore Drusilla - Juliet Landau's performance is a magic golden life-affirming elixir and I miss having her around so much - and this is one of Drusilla's greatest moments. That's not meant to be as much of a slight towards Kendra as it sounds and it might be coming from someone who hates her more - I know a lot of people find Kendra groan-worthy but I sort of liked her. But ya know Faith comes along in her wake and it's immediately "Kendra who?" So RIP Kendra. You are remembered... in random spurts not really about you.

Two more random points - this is one of the more violent things we saw this early on into this show. I didn't remember actually seeing the slash on her throat, but I guess you couldn't not have that seen. Still, jinkies. And secondly, how often do we see vampires hypnotize people in Buffy? I don't remember it being that often an occurrence but it has been awhile. Buffy would fall under The Master's spell I seem to remember, and Dracula had his parlor tricks... other instances? Am I just not remembering it well?

Previous Ways Not To Die: A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed -- Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run -- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance -- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head


Remy said...

I miss Buffy : (

Jason Adams said...

Sing it, sister.

test said...

i just died and went to heaven. buffy AND elvis!! that running in a blue jacket scene is burned in my memory forever too

Sam79 said...

I always had a soft spot for Kendra...poor love.
(sigh) I miss Buffy too.

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