Thursday, September 23, 2010

Thursday's Ways Not To Die


As I said this past Tuesday in my post devoted to the wonders of the wondrous 1986 Klaus Kinski slasher called Crawlspace, there is a lotta wonder within this wondrous movie to behold. So much there was no way I'd ever contain it within just one post. Looking thru that earlier post I see I never even mentioned the film's leading lady slash final girl Lori...

But, well, in my defense, how the hell does that compare when there's a gal the caliber of Tané floating around on ethereal plumes of feminine effervescence? Tané gobbles up the conversation. Tané is the conversation.

See what I mean? Tané has no place in setting the scene for this post here but I can't help myself. I've never known love like this before. Ahem. Must... extricate... self... from Tané....

Okay, that's better. So besides not making time in that previous post for the movie's actual leading lady, there's also this whole sub-plot in the movie involving this dude that's convinced - correctly, of course - that Dr. Klaus Kinski killed his brother. He's been hunting KK down for years, and has finally found him. Why he doesn't go straight to the cops I don't know, but instead he sneaks around the apartment building, making the ladies who live there nervous, giving KK time to build this:

As he has just unassailably proven, Klaus Kinski can violate the laws of physics. Since there's nothing beneath that chair in the long shot, that arrow must come up out of a different dimension or something. Makes sense to me. He is Klaus fuckin' Kinski, after all. Anyway it's important we get shown this test run with the chair because when the real shit goes down - or, that is, the arrow goes up the shitter (poetic, I know) - you'd be forgiven for having no fucking clue what just happened otherwise.

(He's taking note of a toy Nazi boat. So should you.)

God, no one reacts to anything with any sense at all in this movie. I put so many frames of this guy's reaction there because WTF. An arrow just shot up your ass, dude! You don't have to sneeze! Arrow! Ass! God.

But, like with so much in Crawlspace, a man getting a button-activated arrow shoved up his rump isn't even the ace in the hole (as it were). No that comes a couple of scenes later when Klaus Kinski has decided he's ready to kill Lori, our boring leading lady. First, he phones her up and sneers the following at her:

Only coming from Klaus Kinski's lips that sounds like, "Hoooooz schvimming in your baaathtub?" and if I don't prank call somebody just once in my life by screaming that at them and then hanging up then I cannot say that I have lived. Anyway cue Lori getting her investigatin' on.

This is the greatest movie ever made.
Heil Gunther indeed.

Previous Ways Not To Die: The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed -- Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run -- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance -- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head.


Simon said...

That phrase...hell, prank call me with that, I won't mind.

I bet Klaus Kinski prank called people all the time, just spewing his crazy-ass accent all over the world. There are children who haven't slept since that fateful night...

unclemike said...

Interesting poster available for the movie over at, of all places, Amazon.

muebles galapagar said...

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