Thursday, May 13, 2010

Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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I only saw this movie for the first time a few weeks ago and for the most part it's pretty dire. I mean it is a roller-blading movie set in the apocalyptic future starring Jamie Gertz (direst of the dire), so I knew what I was in for going in. But I could totally see myself having adored it when I was nine for a couple of reasons. For one it has the spectacular super-villainess Sarah Douglas in it, seen buying it above. She'd previously played Ursa, aka the terrifying female third of Zod's army, in Superman II just six years earlier, and then Queen Taramis in Conan the Destroyer in 1984. She also got into it with Diana in V: The Final Battle (and lost - there are some cold-blooded bitches even the coldest-blooded bitches can't top). Still, we looove her.


Glamour! Douglas wasn't in Solarbabies nearly enough to save it - oh that she were the main villain instead of a slumming, just-there-for-the-paycheck Richard Jordan! - but whenever she popped up you just couldn't take your eyes off of her.


I wish she would've just taken off an earring and cut Lukas Haas with it, for good measure. Alas. Maybe she did at the craft service table. We can dream!

And the second reason I would've loved this movie when I was young - although I wouldn't have really understood why for a couple of years - was the awesomely unbelievable heart-stopping dreaminess of a 20 year old Jason Patric. Behold just a glimpse of the wonder...


I mean... do you see what I am talking about?
What can I even say after that? There are no words.
No words needed.


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Previous Ways Not To Die: Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run -- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance -- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head
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7 comments:

SeangSTM said...

Ah, Sarah Douglas...amazing. One of my favourite actresses ever. She also played a super bitch on Falcon Crest for a short time.

JA said...

I saw her credited at IMDb for Falcon Crest, SeangSTM, but I never watched that show so I had no idea what her role was. But OF COURSE it was as a super-bitch! She just owned that stereotype so totally. Joy.

Scott said...

Jason Patric works out at my gym. Talk about distraction!

JA said...

WHERE? I have a potted palm costume that I've been saving for just such an occasion.

Scott said...

go to the NY Health & Racquet on 13th just below union square. he's not always there, but when he is, i most definitely am stalking him and patiently waiting for his towel to fall...or his shirt, or shorts, whichever comes first.

Scott said...

oh yeah, he's usually in the weight room upstairs. you can tell 'cuz he's still rockin' those bulging biceps (and thighs) he had in speed 2.

Anonymous said...

Jason Patric! Still fine as hell!