Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Michael Bay Does Serve A Purpose...

... and I've finally figured out what it is! It's so Roger Ebert can write one of his deliriously fun tear-downs again! Yay! This is how it begins (with a bang and a whimper):

""Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination."

It struck me today that I have finally - FINALLY - broken my Michael Bay curse for real. I was worried that if I saw a preview I might be coerced again, but no! I have seen a couple now, and they stirred nothing but memories of boredom and stupidity and anger. I am free, for real. See, I kept convincing myself, movie after movie, that this might just be the good one. This might be the Michael Bay movie that fulfills my wish for a Summer Action Movie that's just great big dumb fun and not a trip to a sadistic, epileptic dentist. And I kept being furious with myself about, say, half an hour into each one for falling for it again. See, I have nothing against a dumb action movie, but there has to be a line somewhere in the sand and Michael Bay's movies draw that line in the sand by pissing it out and then continuing right on onto the audience's face. So no more! And I feel as if this great weight has been lifted. Not even you, dear Josh Duhamel in Army fatigues, are enough this time.

No, not this time. It's like that feeling you'd get when they'd tell you in school that you were going to have your classes outside that day because the weather was so nice. You know that feeling? That's what I'm feeling. Freedom. Beautiful, blessed freedom.


Andrew K. said...

This is hilarious, and I am glad for you that you are finally free of that little shit Michael Bay.

dashdog said...

I would like to put Michael Bay, Ron Howard and Brett Ratner in that crazy contraption they put the convicted villains in Superman 2 into and shoot them into space, never to intrude onto our movie going pleasure ever again. Hacks all!