Thursday, August 14, 2008

Thursday's Ways Not To Die


At first I thought including Paris was a stretch, but then... as if calling Kimberly fuckin' Caldwell a "pop princess" isn't one. Paris had an album. So I said WTF (Literally, I just say those three letters now. And I use the extra effort it saves me to rescue injured field mice and nurse them back to health and set them free into the wilderness in little traveling jackets that I've knitted for them) and included Paris, because that's really the apex (Nadir? Whatchu talkin' bout?) of this gruesome phenomenon. (sidenote: I don't own House of Wax, hence my screen-cap brevity there)

But it's a bit like the whole Coliseum mind-set, no? Throw the entitled bitches to the lions. Although at least we've progressed to the point where the lions are made out of rubber and latex and the gore is made of karo syrup, right? Uh... right? Maybe? Anybody?

Anyhoo, this topic just seemed apt in a week where talk of Britney Spears taking the role of Varla in a Quentin Tarantino directed remake of Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! flared up again like a case of genocidal gonorrhea. Something in the air... calling for the murder of Pop Tarts... dunno what it is...

Previous Ways Not To Die: Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head


Anonymous said...

Why couldn't it have been Rosanna Tavarez?

Anonymous said...

Seeing Fergie with half her skull missing did warm my heart, but nothing close to being split in half. It pains me that because of this I have a crumb of respect for Caldwell.