Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Do, Dump or Marry - That Gruesome 80s Threesome


It's been awhile since I've done one of these posts... and this is certainly an odd choice for jumping back into the "Do, Dump or Marry" fray with. It's just I'm seriously considering finally diving into the cold, cold waters of Rob Zombie's Halloween remake tonight - I've had the DVD for months now, and every time it catches my eye a chill reverberates down my spine - so Michael Myers be on my mind... and honestly, I'm shocked - shocked I say! - that it had never occurred to me to do this post before. A better time could probably present itself for such a threesome - Halloween, perhaps - than the day before Valentines Day... but I'm a cold-hearted cynic where this holiday is concerned anyway, so I'd rather bring on the gleeful limb-hackings and throat-slittings as my ode to romance.

So here are our possible suitors:

Bachelor #1 is Jason Voorhees. Jason likes long strolls in the woods at night and candlelit dinners with his mother's decapitated head as the centerpiece. Not much for conversation, his body truly is a wonderland which you can map out the story of his life through his scars. His partner preferences do tend to be a little more vapid than our other bachelors, and his rocky past with romance has led him to a lot of "over before they even knew it" relationships. Are you the person who could tame this wild stallion? If you're up for a challenge, Jason's your man.

Michael Myers is the sensitive type who wants nothing more than to spend time with his beloved sister and find a nice home in the suburbs to call his own. He isn't much for talk either, but once he does choose you there'll be no stopping him - this Lothario can go all night long! Be careful - this fella might sweep you right off your feet!

Bachelor #3 goes by the name Freddy Krueger, and he really is the stuff dreams are made of. Unlike the other two men on our panel, Freddy will keep you up all night long just talking. And if you love a sense of humor, then look no further. He's pun-tacular! He's also, would you believe it, a fine chef! And if you're ever feeling needy, his long arms will wrap you up and never let go.

(How could you not love a face like that?)

So now it's time to decide! Which one of these hunka-hunkas of burning flesh love will you make yours for eternity (Marry!), which will you allow to ravage you for one unspeakable night of passion (Do!), and which will sad fellow will you drive a machete through the heart of (Dump!)? Take it to the comments!


RJ said...

Well, Michael and Jason have kind of boring personalities, but Michael is hotter. So I'll do him and dump Jason. I'm marrying Freddy so we can have years of laughs whole we slaughter CW cast offs and 90's pop stars

sparky2379 said...

jason- do. seems like the sort of big and dumb guy that tends to make me quiver.

michael- dump.

freddy- marry. funny AND useful in the kitchen? what's not to love?

FDot said...

Jason--Dump. The conversations would be too one sided and I never liked camp.

Michael--Do. He was decent looking before Laurie stabbed him with that hanger.

Freddy--Marry. Who wouldn't want to be able to enter people's dreams and kill them with nifty special effects?

H. Alan Scott said...

Do Michael, he's not that far off from most of the psycho guys I've already dated. Marry Freddy, he's the only one of the bunch that had a TV show based on his films, everyone knows that the real money is in sydication royalities. So, I'd have to dump Jason, even though I would totally have phone sex with him if he wanted.

GhoulieJulie said...

Do Jason - I used to have a mini-crush on the lug, but realized it was only the mask. So, that could still work for a night of passion as long as he didn't take it off.

Dump Freddy - ewwww! Not cute.

Marry Michael - Being obsessed over would make me feel desired and appreciated.

qta said...

Do: Michael- Strong, Silent, Kinda hot.

Dump: Jason - Boring, Mother Issues, and I like camping and all... but really.

Marry: Freddy - Funny wins the day. I love his sense of humor and that is something one can grow old with.

Pax Romano said...

DO: Jason, nothing like a night with a big old lug. Ultimately though, mother issues would get in the way, and I've have to send him packing for Crystal Lake.

DUMP: Freddy, ugh. This chicken queen is all talk - the puns would make me ill after about ten minutes...the bastard son of a thousand Catskill comics.

MARRY: Michael, he's sensitive. Just needs the right person to help him work out his anger issues. I'd play Mr. Sandman for him on the stereo and then we'd work through those jealousy issues he has with his sister (s) and it would be all hearts and flowers after that.

Jason Adams said...

I never said who I'd choose!

Freddy - Dump! He would drive me INSANE with his constant prattling. STFU, Freddy Krueger!

Jason - Do! Like some of y'all others said, he'd make for a nice big slab of stupid man for a night.

Michael - Marry! He's the only one of the three that genuinely terrifies me; I've actually had nightmares about him. So I, psychologist that I am, take this as proof of some deep-seated attraction. I'd never get bored, he'd always keep me, er, alert.

Glenn Dunks said...

Do - Jason because he's like a big dumb quarterback. Just, ya know, with maggots living in his eyeballs.

Dump - Freddy because that's one relationship you'd never get out of if you were married. Even if you hired an assassin to kill him he'd come back and chop you up!

Marry - Michael because he's dependable! And he likes family :p