I don't have any starting point or ending point for this post. I just need to write. I had to come into work today, pretend it's a normal day like that, when I just wanted to stay in bed. I am thankful to be surrounded by people who are all just as depressed as I am by last night's election results but I don't want to talk about it with them. And I don't want to listen to them talk about it from across the office. I don't want to skim social media. This is a post written out of a need to shut everything out -- to just focus on my fingertips typing away without knowing where they're going. It probably won't be interesting as such, but it's helping me get through this morning so I'm just going to go with it -- whether I actually hit publish at the end is right now a question mark, one you'll already know the answer to if you're reading it.
On the subway ride to work this morning I was sitting minding my business when a woman tried to shove herself into the small space between me and another woman. I was already up against the bars on the side, over as far as I could go, but apparently this wasn't enough room and the two women - strangers to one another - both turned on me together all of a sudden. To them I was taking up too much space. I wasn't "man spreading" - I am a six foot three not small man, I just take up some room. But they began commiserating on how this was apparently "Trump's America now." I turned my music up - I was comfort-listening to Tori Amos as I do in times of need -- but they went on this way for the entire ride. I was suddenly emblamatic of Trump's America.
I had a political tweet that went viral a couple of weeks back where I angrily railed against those not voting or voting third party, saying that those actions would do nothing to help the Gazans experiencing an ongoing genocide. It was an angry tweet aimed at someone I know in my own life who was choosing that path -- not close enough to confront her personally, but enough for me to want to vent. Anyway I had to mute the tweet pretty fast as the comments got extremely aggressive quickly. I'd been avoiding even looking back at it since, but yesterday I did, and I saw a bunch of people commenting that of course a white middle-class man would be so blind to the needs of POC and the poor.
Both of those experiences sit on me today, holding hands. All my life I've felt trapped in this giant fumbling white man's body. As I've gotten into many many times here on this site and in my film reviews I was raised poorer than poor -- when my parents separated when I was seven my mother and I moved into two rooms in the house of my former babysitter where I lived until I graduated from high school. We were on food stamps and welfare. My father often skipped or forgot about his visitation weekends. It was just me and my mom, and I was furious and mean to her much of the time.
It didn't help that we were deeply Pentecostal, and I spent my teenage years falling darker and darker under that spell, becoming more and more convinced as I realized I liked boys not girls that I was evil and destined for hell. I compartmentalized everything. I really still don't feel like an entire human being -- just a pile of boxes stacked up in the shape of one. My father is rotting in a nursing home right now, dementia apparently eating away at him, and I feel nothing about it. I am numb and angry and broken. And I just don't know what to do with strangers looking at me and seeing the problem. I want to fold up into nothing most of the time.
I don't have any answers. You get older and you think you will have answers -- my beard if full of gray hairs but I feel like a child in so many ways. I just want my friends and my loved ones around me. I want to tell them that I love them. And I want to say thank you to each and every one of you who come here and dutifully read my nonsense -- I am extremely shy in person and this site has been in many ways my only outlet. I have built a persona on here that is an expression of some part of me, but nothing like the person you would meet in real life. I suppose it's just another box. But it's been, and meant, so much to me over the years. To have people come and comment and laugh. To help y'all have distractions from the bullshit at our doors. It does give me a little bit of purpose. So thank you.
One fucking step in front of the other, I guess.
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26 comments:
Thank you for this. You make a difference to me. Your words. Your honesty. Your humor. I come here and am reminded that the bullied little gay 10 year old that loved Hitchcock films and musicals (sorry) and that still aches inside me has a place in this world. You are not alone.
Jason, as someone who has been reading your blog for over a decade, I want to thank you for this post. Your writing is so strong and you are really helping to articulate the mash of feelings that a huge swath of this country is feeling. Thank you for all of the insight, movie news & reviews, depth and hot dudes over the years. Do what you need to do.
Jason, i'm sitting here half the globe away from you, in some Central Asian-post-Soviet country, approximately your age, grey hairs in beard, almost all grey on the head, and feel the need to let you know that I feel you. I subscribed to your blog in my twenties, just because you would always find great half-naked pictures of the stars I liked, and stuck with you for I don't know, 17, 18 years? Now I'm in my early forties, nearly clinically depressed, drinking whickey just because most americans elected that stupid monster, and I cannot comprehend how and why so many people could choose that. So far away from you, yet I still can sense my affinity to you - big straight presenting gay guy of titular nation in my country, film critic and writer, liberal, progressive, surrounded by friends - my chosen family, raised by single mother in extreme poverty and sometimes so very lonely. I wanna thank you for pointing me me towards Call Me By Your Name seven, nay, eight years ago - I started to anticipate this film because of you, and oh boy, I loved it when it came out. Now is the second time I felt so close to your pain, and I just wanted to say - thank you! Your blog is a part of my routine daily, but it's not about half-naked hunks anymore, - it's your senses and sensibilities, your vulnerability, openness, heartbreak, humour, bitchiness and all. My condolences on the outcome of this elections, but it's not the end of the world (I say it as much for you as I do for me), - we are relatively young, we will survive and outlive all of this. Hugs and kisses, hang in there. You are loved
This was raw, powerful, and a beautifully written piece that acts as a balm to mu troubled soul. Thank you, Jason, for always providing both entertainment and personal insights as we all travel along this (often bumpy) road.
I come here to find out about movies I wouldn't easily find out about anywhere else. It's a useful service you provide, this blog, for that alone. Telling us about who you are and how you feel, like you do here, cinches my trust in your opinions about film. I think we established in a previous comments post that we're about the same age (going gray like you say). I'm not as tall as you, and came from what was considered at the time a basic, white, midwestern, suburban family, but otherwise feel like we're somewhat alike. I used to direct theater, and studied acting, dance, and music 45 years ago here in Wisconsin and at NYU. So it's doubly great for me to read about movies from your vantage point in New York. (If only we could get more of them on screens here in Milwaukee.) Your generosity on this site in words and the awesome pictorials is kind of amazing. Thank you.
Thank you, Jason. This was just what I needed right before leaving the house to make live art. (Queer Black cis male native NYer living in Los Angeles)
❤️
You have made a difference. Your posts and humor and comments have always made a dark day brighter and a dull day sparkle a bit. Thank you.
I know it doesn't help much, but you are so not alone today. Appreciate your words and perspective. One foot in front of the other indeed. I never really understood the phrase "hell is other people" until a few years ago; I now really get that vibe.
Words fail me too Jason but I do thank you. I love visiting the blog and finding fun, diverting items that make the day brighter.
OK Now I've cried three times today. Peace Jason! You're one of the good guys.
I completely relate to much of your childhood, but you should know that I love your blog and you've made a difference in this world. Despite what's happened, try to keep your chin up and be positive about the long-term future. They've only won the moment, not forever, and we'll keep on fighting. That's part of the human condition, is it not? XOXO
Thank you
Thank you to everybody for the nice words, and for reading this, and for making today manageable. I suppose like most of us I am in shock, but I think I weirdly feel less despondent than I did in 2016 - they say you can only have your heart truly broken once and my cynicism far outweighs my hope for this country and its people now. I had to fully give up on a good 65% of my family post-2016 and with that process so went a lot of my innocence. I'm not saying I give up or won't fight - I am just saying I am not surprised by how terrible the people of this country (or any country -- humanity as a whole really) can be. Never again.
Jason,
I have been reading your blog for almost a decade and a half since I was in my late teens. Before I even knew what I was (big ol 'mo now). You are not and never were part of The Problem [TM], you're one of the good ones. It's why I support you whenever possible, whether it's a comment on here, giving you a follow on another social media platform, paying back with some coin or even just sharing your blog with friends. I'm a Plaid Pantee (Is that a thing?) until the bitter end. Please keep sharing with the world, because it really is brighter with you in it.
❤️❤️❤️
The thing is, we are gonna have to express our outrage somehow. Well, we need to make it come out constructively and with long game goals. We gotta start working on the next election. Start putting that in your head. And figure out how to get involved.
I'm a puddle. Your words always transfix me, but this was next level. Puddle.
Keep being you. That is a service our community, the queer one, the arts one, the thoughtful one, needs now more than ever.
Young man ... I like anon above ..first engaged you when you were joyously promoting "Call Me" years ago ...with infectious excitement. I am Tim, an American living in France .. Thank you for this post .. it made me feel something I can not quite identify .. or I should say .. I feel less something ... fear.. despair. You are quite incredible .. thank you .. I by the way am 66 .. but you make me feel younger. Take care and be as well as can be expected. In Pride ...
Now look, Jason I did a lot of thinking about this last night. Yes, the Fascist and his buddies won, but there are plenty of people out there who think their fighting spirit is gone now. Not so! As usual, it's time to fight back. Think about it. What if we don't want to follow the plans of Project 2025? Why should we?
The idea isn't to give in -- that's what happened in Germany and Italy during World War II. It's time to defeat them at their own game.
Think positive. Get those rolls of stamps and those envelopes ready and start addressing these issues. Make sure your phone services are up to date! Support organizations like ACLU, AARP and others.
We don't have to take this bullshit! We can and will fight back!!
Are you with me?
Thank you for writing and posting. I deeply appreciate your courage. And I sympathize. Huge hugs sir. Hugs.
Late here, don't even know if you'll see this, but as you know it's my daily jam (and pajiba). There's a reason for. that. I got my covid/flu shots on E-day and I had such a bad reaction that I passed out. AT PORT AUTHORITY. Came to in Mt Sinai. Slept all day yesterday. So, I was lucky, in a way, b/c I missed all the post-mortems. Well, delayed them. And I didn't get a concussion, so I got that going for me. I am doing a media detox, deleted my shitter. Just need a break. I'll still be here, though, and I thank. you for your wit, your long, personal reviews, even your CMBYN obsession. I'm not a hugger, so-fist bump.
I said this last election--if that philistine won, but he didn't. I am now cutting politics out of my life for the next 4 years UNLESS something drastic happens. Like--WW3. No more CNN, MSNBC, or any news radio. I just can't...y'know?
Dear Jason -- your words mean a lot to me. I love your blog. You are not the problem with America, okay? You are the opposite of the problem. And yeah, you were right in that tweet: the Bitch-King of Angmar-a-Lago is going to be a lot worse for the Palestinians than Kamala Harris could have dreamed of being. I know what you mean about being all over the place: it feels like it's been months since the election and it hasn't even been a week. My brain feels like it's eating itself. But it feels a little less like that every day. Every day, the normal functions of life get a little easier. It's called convalescing -- that's what we're doing right now, so we'll be ready by Inauguration Day for the fight ahead.
Thank you, Jason. You're not alone.
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