2 Sissies 2 Gladiator

This isn't a review of Gladiator II -- I don't think I am writing one since somebody more enthusiastic about the property was assigned it at Pajiba. I could write a proper review of it here if I felt like it but take all of this blathering as proof that no, I do not feel like it. There's a lot of fun silliness to the movie to enjoy -- for one Denzel Washington is, as you've likely heard by now, having the time of his life. Every second he's on-screen is a blast. And the battle scene where they fill the Colosseum up with water, ships, and SHARKS -- that shit is bananas. Probably worth the price of admission alone. 

But I left the movie in the most foul of moods despite that excessive goofiness (and Paul Mescal's thighs) because in Joseph Quinn's Emperor Geta and especially in Fred Hechinger's Emperor Caracalla the film trades in a nasty retrograde throwback to the sorts of vile queer villains we haven't seen since the simpering faggot prince in Mel Gibson's Braveheart. You can't even call Geta and Caracalla queer-coded since they've got a harem of made-up lady-boys in waiting. The boys are big ol' sissies. Sneering sissy stereotypes.

They're awful, pasty, deceitful, cruel, sickly, and most of all weak. Caracalla is going mad from syphilis and anoints his monkey to be his number one advisor. Brothers, they turn on each other in a split second. They are jokes meant to be laughed at, and we're meant to celebrate their downfalls brought on by their lascivious queerness. It's crowds cheering on Mel Gibson killing the perfumed fag all over again.

I suppose that, in the interest of widening the queer window, Denzel Washington's Macrinus is meant to be bisexual since in the final film he has a throwaway line about being with men. But it could be read in a couple of ways -- he could be saying women are a lot of bother, and not that he's actually been with any men. And of course Denzel made headlines this week when he said he'd had a kiss with a male actor that got cut out of the film -- this seemed to me to be an early strike out because they knew they were going to get headlines on this subject. (I personally told the PR people I was offended by the movie's throwback queer representation, and I spoke to several other critics who felt the same way.)

But Macrinus, as much fun as Denzel is having playing him, is still a villain. And his comeuppance is the film's biggest cheer moment of all. But since he's a much more rounded-out character if it had been just him as the queer villain I would've been fine with it. I don't hate a queer villain when done right! 

Honestly -- and this bit is probably crucial in my read of the movie -- I also just don't think Ridley Scott has earned the benefit of the doubt in his career on this subject. What has he done for us? Michael Fassbender making out with his clone-twin in Covenant? My point exactly. More of the same. Ryan Phillippe in soaking wet tighty-whities in White Squall? Okay, well I will give him that one.

In all seriousness though the problem is that all of Gladiator II's main villains are the queer people. And all of the film's heroes are boring straights, pining for their ladies. At first there are a bit of homoerotic Midnight Express vibes happening between Paul Mescal's imprisoned character and the doctor who tends his wounds and I thought okay, maybe they'll queer him up too. But their conversations inevitably devolve into talk of their lady loves, almost to the point where it feels like the script having its own moment  of gay panic -- there doesn't seem much reason for the conversation except to define them as two lady-loving bros just shooting the shit! No homo!

I know the argument exists that there's "historical accuracy" to some of these characterizations. (As if this movie feels much fealty to history!) That doesn't take into mind the fact that history has been written by the homophobes for centuries. We have been cast as the villains for as long as storytelling has existed. The stray cards that will knock the whole hetero family unit down for good, et cetera.

And given what just happened in this country election-wise, I do feel it's especially important right now to point this shit out. But I'll be curious to hear what y'all think when you see the movie -- if you're offended or if you think I'd read too much into it. So come back and comment down below once you have.

For the record (name and shame) the movies were in order Gladiator II, the slasher film Director’s Cut, Heretic obviously, and of course Anora (which I’ve made my discomfort re: its use of the f slur known already)

— Jason Adams (@JAMNPP) November 8, 2024