5 Off My Head - The Hottest Criterion Covers

They say sex sells, but the art-house media empire known as Criterion doesn't often subscribe to that notion. Sure their streaming service sometimes sluts it up with timed collections catering to such tastes. But when it comes to the actual physical media releases they put out? Let's just say they're not regularly porning up the shelves at your local neighborhood Barnes & Noble. Don't believe me? Just look at the artful but limp covers they gave us for notoriously horny movies like David Cronenberg's Crash and John Schlesinger's Midnight Cowboy:

Which is why last week's reveal of the cover art for Rainer Werner Fassbinder's Querelle (hitting those shelves in June) came at us like such a happy punch in the privates. Designed by the artist Astra Zero (follow them on Instagram here) the cover is appropriately horny for RWF's horny, horny final film, which we're ecstatic to see getting a proper release at last. But it got me thinking -- what other Criterion covers have stirred my (admittedly easily stirred) loins? So I made a list! And do keep in mind that I am extremely homosexual, so my list echoes those credentials. Make your own lists, straights! (Also clearly the Querelle one trumps everything else and should be considered #1 above all of these from here on out. It already won!)

The 5 Horniest Criterion Covers (Besides Querelle)

Claire Denis' Beau Travail -- I'm not as big a fan of Denis' 1999 erotic treatise on masculinity as a lot of you are, or as would typically make sense, given the film's notable focus on hard half-naked male bodies swinging around in hypnotic unison. But that doesn't mean I can argue with the shadowy visage of actor Grégoire Colin's bared, slick torso. I bought this disc even though I don't love the movie just because of the cover!

Jacques Deray's La Piscine -- I could have used any Criterion cover that has Alain Delon on it (his jawline on the Purple Noon cover could create a cult all on its own) but, even if a bit hetero to my linking, half-naked Alain & Romy Schneider clenched up in ecstacy is about  as hot and sweaty as these things get. Let's not get in the way of their erotic lifestyle!

Gus Van Sant's My Own Private Idaho -- Two of the most beautiful and sensitive movie stars on my early teen years at the height of their beauty and sensitivity, rocking hustler ennui while strapped to one another on the back of a motorcycle -- you can't see that the motorocycle is there in the cover image but you can probably feel it, humming between your thighs all the same. And if not, well, they sure are on top of each other huh? 

Andrew Haigh's Weekend -- Seeing actor Chris New working his way down actor Tom Cullen's naked body again this rumpled mid-coitus snapshot image slams you right back there into the middle of this 2011 masterpiece of intimacy from Haigh and you realize -- oh right that's where I have wanted to be all this time. Back in bed with those two!

Carl Franklin's Devil in a Blue Dress -- Sometimes all it takes is peak Denzel Washington in a white tank top, what can I say?

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Runners-up: Joyce Chopra's Smooth Talk, Yukio Mishima's Patriotism, Paul Schrader's The Comfort of Strangers, Alfonso Cuaron's Y Tu Mama Tambien, Wong Kar Wai's In the Mood For Love, Stephen Frears' My Beautiful Laundrette

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What would be your picks for Criterion's horniest covers?