Monday, February 28, 2022

Despite All Its Rage It's Still Just a Bat in a Cave


When the first images from Matt Reeves' The Batman appeared, with Robert Pattinson's flat-ironed bangs and guy-liner look on full display, the word "Emo" was thrown around a lot. And it was hard not to see a lot of that insta-tude as aggro fanboy discomfort with the one-time vampire twink stepping into the dudely thigh-high leather-boots of their favorite masked vigilante tough guy. Nevermind that Pattinson has proven himself a versatile and delightfully unhinged presence in several slightly more obscure projects since, your Good Times and your Lighthouses and your what have yous -- had Pattinson proven himself guy-friendly enough to take over their favorite bat-franchise? Wring your patent-leather gloves, fanboys -- wring 'em but good!

I instinctually recoiled at the brah spectacle of all that, and found myself hoping our twinkly lil' RPattz would give us the goth kid with painted fingernails and the half-mile stare of angsty ennui that bat boy Bruce Wayne has always had coming... so it's with great and terrible dismay that I must report to you today that The Batman's a howler. Halfway to the bad sort of camp that hurts your brain, there's no so-bad-it's-fun Joel Schumacher or Adam West Bat-theatrics (Colin Farrell notwithstanding, and I'll get to him) to save our spirits from the crushing weight of this unwieldy thing that's trying so hard every single second until it suffocates every inch of life from itself. This movie is endless, it's got one bat-foot in the door of being entirely humorless, and it's one of the single most exhausting movie experiences I've had in quite some time. Please change the Bat-channel!

Things start out smart enough, with the film dropping us straight into the middle of Bruce Wayne's career as the Caped Crusader under ye olde cowl -- we hear about his long-passed gazillionaire parents' murder on the news, but we're not forced to sit through any soggy alleyway origin stories for the ten thousandth time; an incredibly decent choice on the filmmaker's part. But unfortunately for all of us the filmmakers didn't stop cutting things there -- I mean, why get to know who Bruce Wayne is at all? Or any of the characters, for that matter? Pattinson must spend a good 90% of this movie in the suit, and remains a cypher either way, inside and out. Apparently The Batman decided that what the people actually want instead is nearly three hours of the most glaringly obvious "detective story" noir nonsense since Kevin Spacey walked into a police station and screamed "I DID IT." (Not this time; the other time.)

Yes I bring up David Fincher's Seven because Matt Reeves has, judging by this movie, apparently spent the last nigh on thirty years doing just that to anyone who will listen -- after watching The Batman I feel as if there might possibly be a long line of triggered therapists and/or exes in his life who shudder at the mere mention of that 1995 serial-killer film. The Batman plays like one long (so so long) riff on it all. See here Jeffrey Wright giving us Morgan Freeman realness as Detective Gordon! See there, Paul Dano giving us the most watered-down PG-13 Jigsaw-tinged Riddler as John Doe nonsense ever put on-screen! Whereas Seven's devious games left marks scratched onto my psyche to this day, the riddles of The Riddler, with their dime-store greeting-card histrionics, are about as frightening as a frown drawn on a detached baby-doll-head. 

Truly cornball stuff rendered limp by not just the studio-imposed rating but, well, literally everything about them. Dano's weaksauce performance doesn't help. The derivative way the Riddler's videos are shot; the clunky obviousness of the plotting. If I had to sit through another scene where we watch Batman walk, and walk, and walk, and walk, and walk out of the shadows inside another dilapidated dank room all so he could molest more criminal evidence that would then point arrows in the most obvious directions to exactly the place you know all of this is going from the first frame, I was gonna toss myself through one of those ten thousand windows covered with newspapers that every single set of this film was designed with. 

And the worst part about it was they did all of this while pretending they had something profound to say about government and police corruption, only to, like Danny Torrance cleaning up his footprints in the snow behind him, obliterate anything interesting about any of that every step of the way. The film doesn't just want to have its cake and eat it too -- it wants Zoe Kravitz (an electric performer reduced to a haircut and a hip swivel amid several reenactments of scenes that Michael Keaton and Michelle Pfeiffer did leagues better in Batman Returns three full decades ago) to pop up every so often, speak the words "white male privilege," and then disappear again until they need somebody to wear a micro-mini and gesture towards off-screen implied bisexuality.

The only person having any fun whatsoever in this dour soul-excavating exercise is Colin Farrell, once again as he did with Daredevil in 2003 strutting through and sparking life where superhero dreams have otherwise gone to die ignominious deaths. It's tempting to say that Farrell must have felt freed under all the latex they slather him in to play Oswald "Oz" Cobblepot née The Penguin, all of which renders him entirely unrecognizable. But Farrell's never been a performer who needed such affectations to do his magical thing before, and instead this performance becomes a testament to his skill despite the pointless obstacles the filmmakers have thrown in his way. There was no need not to hire an actor who wouldn't have needed a scarred-up fat-suit for the role -- I could name you twenty actors who would've relished the opportunity to bite into the only fun role in the whole damn movie. But Farrell, bless him, makes his every moment count nonetheless.

And (let's say some good things) despite the secondhand nature of the movie's look there's still a lot to love within DP Greig Fraser's artful frames; the one action sequence that stands out amid this self-serious slog of a film involves a car-chase with Batman in his Batmobile (now souped-up to give it some serious Mad Max Fury Road energy) and it's a ballet of bonkers red lights and fire and rain-streaked highways that are almost worth the price of admission. But no, that's five minutes dropped down in the middle of one-hundred-and-seventy-six of them. And while the sequence looks great it still manages to feel like an echo of things that we've seen before -- not just the similar chase sequence in Batman Returns (just without any of the delightful goofiness of Danny DeVito's Penguin bouncing around in a kiddie quarter-ride) and not just the Joker's legendary night-time joyride in Nolan's Dark Knight. But also the aforementioned Fury Road itself, and woe be unto the filmmaker that dares to summon up nods towards George Miller -- you will always come up looking small in comparison, and The Batman's certainly not the one to undo those expectations.

The thing is in theory all of Reeves' choices seem like good ideas to me to reintroduce the character in a fresh way -- leaning into the hard-edged detective noir angle of the comics is a good idea! But when your mystery can be unraveled by everybody just looking up one time instead of looking down, well then maybe you should recalculate. Batman's just allowed to blunder through obvious revelation after obvious revelation played to the absolute back of the room -- hell it's played for somebody watching the movie on their phone across the room during a lightning storm. The puzzle pieces add up because they're all exact squares -- every character a boxed-in bore, edgy as a Happy Meal.



28 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your critique is one dimensional and bad as always. I wonder who cares about people like you

Anonymous said...

Dear anon #1, I care! This is a great review and far from one dimensional, which is what I really appreciate about Jason’s reviews. Like any good review, it’s left me with enough information and a take to asses whether the film will be worth my time.

Anonymous said...

Not complaining that you didn't like it, movies are subjective, but man oh man what a terribly written piece lmao absolutely awful

Anonymous said...

In general critics voices for my taste are pointless. Audience judges it way better.

Still anon1. This one at least looks quite decent and honest. Not paid off for week worth of Dominos. So sincerely fuck you. And yes we care

Harry said...

My man really complained that Riddler skimped out on the flashy envelopes 🤣

Anonymous said...

What a dumb review. You clowns really want this movie to fail.

Anonymous said...

The comments calling this badly written are clearly just biased Batman ballhuggers. Screenrant and Collider are there if you just want to see rearranged press packages cobbled together by fourth graders. This person can write.

Anonymous said...

Was this review made on geocities.com?

Anonymous said...

Great review!

Anonymous said...

I really don't care that you didn't like the movie, I even agree with some of your takes if it was really delivered as you are describing. I really just had the need to point out that your way of writing and choice of words is as corny as you are describing this movie.

Anonymous said...

Man had to comment on his own review to defend his childish complain-filled tirade of a review. Enjoy your 15 seconds of fame, then scram back to the corner of irrelevance you rightly belong. Lol!

John Arcadi said...

Warm in the evening
Blowing the smoke in the wind
Loving is easy
Nothing to take on the chin

Anonymous said...

DC stans are so insecure and weird.

Anonymous said...

I always try to give reviewers the chance to have their own opinions. But anyone who, with a straight face, can say "Dano's weaksauce performance doesn't help" is clearly just trying to get us going. (Yes I have seen the movie. Not sure if our author actually has after reading this though) He is like the guy in the vinyl shop saying The Beatles weren't as good as Herman's Hermits or the guy at the sports bar saying "Barry Sanders ran too much East and West for my liking." Trying way to hard to stick out in a crowded intent world. Well you win. You got me to bite on this scrapple of a review.

Anonymous said...

This review was cringe

Anonymous said...

This crowd seems to be triggered by anything even slightly critical of their beloved Batman! Great review (as always)--thanks!

HootieDean said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HootieDean said...

My two biggest concerns for this film were Matt Reeves (who I consider only an adequate director) and Paul Dano (who may have the most punchable face in Hollywood) so I'm not at all

Anonymous said...

Fun review… like your lyrical visuals and honest take. I’m so tired of reviews being part of the marketing instead of an honest analysis of the film and direction.

Jake said...

Sorry but this movie sucked and he ranks as one of the worst batman. Too long and he looked like he was high on something. Time to put a nail in this coffin of a movie franchise. 👎👎👎

mrripley said...

Batman was done fine 2 times in 89 and 92.

Anonymous said...

Despite the hostile, tough guy stance from some of these commentators, I have a feeling that some of the fanboys are just about to burst into tears over your review.

Eve said...

Anonymous said...
Despite the hostile, tough guy stance from some of these commentators, I have a feeling that some of the fanboys are just about to burst into tears over your review.


I wholeheartedly agree!!!🤣

Also, great review.

dre said...

Can you imagine typing "The Batman reviews" into a search engine and then spending the rest of your night trolling anyone giving it a bad review?

That covers about 97% of these commenters.

Is it really 3 hours? I mean...Come ON. I knew this would be a mess.

Anonymous said...

Fucking great review Jason as per usual. These commenters shitting on it are clearly going to love the movie because they obviously don't enjoy a piece with character god forbid humor. There are plenty of Batman films for you commenters no one is taking your childhood/teens away.

Aquinas1220 said...

Just saw it last night and totally agree with you Jason. I loved that they went with "detective Batman" rather than "sneak in- beat up - get out Batman" - I even liked that Batman is not a freewheeling playboy socialite but a brooding goth guy. I just wished the mystery was a little more intriguing. I disagree with your assessment of Paul Dano's Riddler and I thought he was actually pretty good but again he had nothing to work with at all. The stupid romance between Batman and Catwoman felt so forced and detracted from the more interesting angle of Selina's relationship with Anika. I wanted to know more about them as a couple rather than with Bruce. Penguin was fun but totally useless and John Turturro's Carmine has to be the least threating mobster ever. Zzzzzz. And would it have killed them to use more than one emo-grunge song on the soundtrack? How many times did we actually need to hear the same refrain over and over again?

hector roberto said...

While I've never doubted your opinions regarding "bad" films i did saw some good opinions about this from other people i also respect so I thought I'll give it a chance.
Jason, you're right
I only wish someone else had warned me about all that rain! Why is it always raining?! To any filmmaker reading this: if you have to have all this rain in your movie either don't make it 3 hours long or put an intermission

Anonymous said...

As someone who actually liked "The Batman" when I saw it, I totally get where you're coming from. Had I walked into the theater in a slightly different frame of mind, I might have had the same reaction to the movie's weaker aspects that you did, and any and all of them might have been dealbreakers for me. On second viewing, I might still come away with the same opinions that you did.

One thing I will definitely agree on: this was not a mystery. Mysteries gesture toward multiple possible conclusions. Mysteries, by the time they end, have recontextualized facts whose meanings you thought you knew at or near the beginning. "The Batman" does neither of those things. We are walked from one exposition point to the next by the Riddler (and occasionally by Falcone and Alfred) in mostly linear fashion, and that is it. As a mystery, it's pretty weak, and it wants you to think it's clever. That's annoying.

Also annoying: Paul Dano's performance as the Riddler the longer it goes on. He's perfectly fine and menacing as long as he's in the costume -- I jumped when his first victim shuts off the glare of the TV, and the Riddler is just revealed to have been standing behind him the whole time. But when he loses the mask and costume and he's still mugging for the camera at top volume ... yeah, that was where he lost me. He's like the shark from Jaws: the more you see of him, the less intimidating and interesting he becomes.

Honestly, what would have been way scarier, at least to me, would be if he acts wildly unhinged and menacing for his broadcasts to Gotham, when he's in costume, but when you take the costume away ... he's just a rational, even pleasant and sympathetic guy, who carefully reasoned out everything that he does and can justify all of it (at least to himself) from both a moral and a strategic perspective. Even have him express regret or distaste for some of the uglier things he's done, but have him insist that there was no other way to reach his goal. The Riddler is just a carefully constructed persona he puts on, to give himself license to do things he ordinarily would be too inhibited to do. He deliberately taps into an effect that many people find themselves unconsciously tapping into: playing out their worst instincts when they have something to hide behind. This is a real effect that anyone can be subject to. Give otherwise reasonable, decent people something to hide behind, be it a mask, war paint, a uniform, or an online alias, and they may start to behave like monsters. And they'll still believe they're doing the right thing, or at least the only thing they could do under the circumstances. Instead of making the Riddler just another caricature of mental illness, have him be a man not suffering from any form of mental illness at all, a banal man ... and all the more dangerous and frightening for it.