Thursday's Ways Not To Maim

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Nobody actually dies in this scene, hence today's title being switched up, but I love this scene so much it has to happen. There's also a ton of set-up, so we'll be talking you through it.

Say hello to Snake Eater!

No, not her. The Lorenzo Lamas character. He actually goes by the name "Soldier" since he's an ex-Marine, out of an elite branch of the service called, yes, the Snake Eaters. Hence the movie's title. But Soldier's a cop now... a cop who doesn't play by the rules!!!

This is the film's opening scene, where we get to know what a rule-breaker Soldier is. He's going undercover to bust some drug dealers. They sent in this lady to do the deal - first order of business: she tells him to strip.

But just cuz he might be wearing a wire, see. 

He's all, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

Really. He actually says, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." And she's all, of course, hells yeah.

I would have shown Lorenzo Lamas mine if he promised to show me his too, at least in 1989. just for the record.

"Bra."

Don't mind if I do. Your turn, Solider.

This movie is awesome. 

Just how awesome? Well a lot awesome -- in fact this goes on for awhile, the awesome, so let's take the rest after the jump. Trust me, you won't wanna miss it. So come, come with Lorenzo...

I love the way the actress was directed in this scene to heave as if she's hyperventilating as he takes his clothes off - then again, judging by all the acting in this movie maybe she wasn't so much directed, maybe that is just the natural reaction to the musk of Lamas hitting the air.

I can't breathe!!!

As silly as all this is, it's also it must be said a pretty sexy scene. Obviously I'm enjoying it on multiple levels, and that's why we're here capping the hell out of it. But it does manage to build some sexual tension through all of this by taking its time and allowing the folks involved to be silly with it. They're having fun too.

"Underwear."

"Underwear, Soldier."

"What, you think I'm hiding 

a wire in my underwear?"

"Looks like you got the whole radio station."

Yes there are two cops listening on on this entire amazing exchange (through a wire Lorenzo is hiding in... well I'll leave that to your imagination), and yes, that eye-roll is the greatest thing ever. How Kristen Wiig as Aunt Linda is that eye-roll???

That makes me so happy. But back to...

... Lorenzo Lamas stripping.

I wish there were some actual nudity in this scene (of course I do) but that shot's pretty sexy all the same. But isn't it strange that for all the beefcake Lorenzo Lamas is known for -- didn't he spend every scene he was in on Falcon Crest getting in and out of pools in just a speedo?

-- he doesn't seem to have ever gotten properly good and naked on-screen? Not that I could find in a cursory search anyway. (Don't worry, I'll keep looking. I will never stop looking.)

"I'm clean."

"Too bad, I like my men dirty."

Oh I like you, lady.

Clearly so does Soldier. Unfortunately for him he didn't listen to the subtext of her whole "I like my men dirty" line, which is - she likes her men dirty.

Specifically these two colorfully-outfitted cock-blockers who show up right at the moment of, uh, impact. Oh and it's our cocks they're blocking, by the way...

... because they let Soldier put his pants back on while they rob him. Why are you doing that, Cockblockers? The rest of this scene obviously should have played out with a properly naked Lorenzo Lamas. You've got your coming, Cockblockers.

They go back and forth for a minute, 

blah blah we tricked you give us the money, so on.

Soldier tells them it's in the other room, but they're all...

Slow down, stud.

He slows down.

They follow him into the next room, where he kneels...

Yeah I thought maybe things were about to get real interesting too. 

And they were! Just not that way. Instead...

... he's built a nail-bed booby-trap, of course. That's what one does in these situations. I love picturing the days he spent rigging this whole contraption before this - sitting on the floor eating a ham sandwich in between laying out the springs and gears. Oh, Soldier. You scamp.

Snake Eater (1989)

Oh he knows he's good. 

This scene goes on for a bit, 

with Lorenzo looking amazingly sleazy hot while gloating.

Honestly that shot needs to be a banner on this site 

at some point in the future. It's kind of everything.

I don't think this dude's even scared of being shot; 

I think he's just like, 

"Oh my god dude, you are so hot right now."

But Soldier doesn't kill them, everybody lives 

to sweat another day. Yes even the girl...

He has a booby-trap laid just for her. 

Solider thinks of everything!

There's apparently an entire trilogy of Snake Eater movies - this one's followed by  Snake Eater II: The Drug Buster in 1991 and Snake Eater III: His Law in 1993 - I have got to see all of them immediately. I know the entire first movie is on YouTube, it's where I took all these images from, so I'll put that right here. Enjoy, or whatever.

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Previous Ways Not To Die: 1 2 3 Dandy -- One Ringy-Dingy Two Ringy-Dingy Die Ringy-Dingy -- Nanny Slam -- Forced Head -- A Wolf at the Door -- X-Ray'd -- Helen Helen Helen -- Bad Robot -- Giggle Gassed -- Dark Meet -- The Lady in the Iron Mask -- Croaked -- Exit Stage Crazy -- Cold Cocked By Colin Farrell --  Comb Over -- Wishing You Happy Father's Day -- Bright Light Bright Light -- Flame With Ash Highlights -- Don't Spoke Unless Stuck Onto -- Teen Angst Bullshit -- Come What May (Day) -- Dodge This -- The Dead Knock At Dawn -- A Gentlemenly Sacrifice -- Spade & Neutered -- Flambe By Vincent -- L.O.O.K.E.R Over -- Something in the Fog -- Polly Wants A Scalpel -- Major Swirly -- White Meat Dark Meat -- Oh Dae-su You Devil -- Unto Darkness Delivered -- A Hammock Built For Slew -- Venom Down -- Worm Turned -- This Anaconda Do Want Some -- Cereal Murdered -- Deady Dearest -- Spotted Dick -- Chinatown Syndrome -- Feeling the Fury -- Blank With the Blank in the Blank -- Kill the Cook -- You be The Steeple -- Boiled Bashed Stabbed & Gassed -- Iced Princess -- Straight Razor Symphony -- Prey For Mantis -- Talos Unplugged -- A Mysterious Raptoring -- Mad Monkey Robo Rampage -- Give Me Liberty, Or... -- Horns of Plenty... Dead! -- Mistress-And-Run -- Wolverine Interrupted -- Who Let The Guts Out -- Zzzapped Innards-Side-Out -- Bad Romance -- Twas Beauty (And Also Aeroplanes) -- Bad Head -- Valentine's Day Massacred -- Belly Buster -- For Being Not The Babysitter -- Splat In Slo-Mo -- To Be Dis-Continued -- For Being Mouthy -- Do You Smell What Billy's Mom Is Cooking -- The Milk Done Gone Bad -- An Inability To Stop Drop and Roll -- Bug Sprayed -- Extreme Makeover: Leatherface Edition -- Window Seat Suck -- Razor Bunting -- Stabbed Thru The Heart And Witches Are To Blame -- Shark Kibble -- Is That a Straight Razor In Your Trunks Or Are You Just Happy To See Me -- Bad Dates -- Fry Guy'd -- Super Battle Bystander Shrapnel Shred -- Staring Contest of the Dead -- Satanic Self Sacrifice -- Fist and Fortune -- Psychedelic Penis Slice To Window Toss -- For Crimes Against Accent -- Sacked -- Speed Bumped For Traffic Spikes -- Shark Versus Jet-Ski -- Hot Oil Treatment -- Tucked In By Jason -- Just A Pair of Snowbodies -- Poison Pellet Kibble Swap -- Dolly Disassembled -- Fire Escape Fall Out -- Unbuggered -- Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent'cha -- Blue Man Gooped -- Tongue Stung -- Now Wouldn't Cha, Barracuda? -- Leaving on a Rat Plane -- Panthers! -- Fashion Faux-Pwned -- "It's Just A Box." -- Blasted Pigeons -- Taunting Ahnuld -- The Too Hot Tub -- Beyond the Veil -- Sunken Prayers-- Super Crack -- Brains Blown -- Fur For The Boogens -- White Hot Bunny Rabbit Rage --Dragged To Hell -- The TV Van That Dripped Blood -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Heads Ahoy --Martyred For Sheep -- Heads Nor Tails -- He Loves Me Knot -- The Great Bouncing Brad --Miss Kitty's 8 Mishaps -- Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed --Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run-- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance-- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry --Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 --Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye --Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away --Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door-- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue-- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!!-- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded --Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare --Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head
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