Adam Driver Twelve Plus Times

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And if those pictures on their own aren't making you feel

coked out enough, make sure to watch the video! (via)

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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

Dick (1999)

Arlene: How dare those people treat us 

like we're stupid teenage girls. 

Betsy: We are stupid teenage girls. 

Arlene: No. We're human beings, 

and we're American citizens. 

And four score and seven years ago 

our forefathers... did something. 

I intended to wish Kirsten Dunst a happy birthday here but then I saw this picture of her and Garrett Hedlund walking around a couple of days ago (via, thx Jeffrey) and I realized that Kirsten Dunst doesn't need my stupid words in order to have a happy birthday, damn her. Look at her, the sun on her face, not a care in the world, a knowing smirk telling us, "Oh yeah, I hit that." That is a woman having a very fine birthday today, I tell ya what.

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Hold Tight To The Fassy

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I can't decide which one of those two in the picture above look more like the hooker that just got picked up by the other one, but either way that's a bunch of super high-end hooker looking hotness and I would totally pay to sit in the corner and watch. Well that's an odd note to get this story started off on, huh? Seriously though, you know where my thoughts go to when Fassy's involved, so seeing the news that Natalie Portman is going to play the Lady to his Macbeth of course translates inside my (damaged) brain to "She's a smart cookie who wasn't going to let the behind-the-scenes disruptions with that Jane Got a Gun movie tear her Fassy time away too permanently." This is why she has an Oscar, y'all. Determi-fucking-nation.

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Mistaken For Strangers in 215 Words or Less

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I'm not sure I one hundred percent buy the story as Mistaken For Strangers (the new documentary about the band The National as told through the eyes of the lead singer's nobody brother) is selling it - a lot feels oh let's say "nurtured" instead of "manipulated" in the editing room and possibly probably on the shooting end too - how hard would it have been for Tom Berninger to just give himself or his rock star brother several takes on these "off the cuff" developments, anyway? It's pretty clear that somebody with real skill, possibly Mr. Berninger but probably somebody else, whittled this thing down to the rousing underdog story it is today. (And that somebody is a somebody who's most certainly seen American Movie or The King of Kong or any other similar losers-get-their-moment docs from the past several years.) But a rousing underdog story it is, if you can sidestep your side-eye and get lost in its puppy-eyed momentum. And loving The National like I do - there aren't a lot of bands that have their own tags here at MNPP, so they should know I stand with them, not against them - this feels like exactly the sort of rock doc that ought to have been made about them.

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Polishing The Brass On The Bergdorf's

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Scatter My Ashes At Bergdorf's, the new documentary about you guessed it Bergdorf Goodman's big fancy-ass store on Fifth Avenue here in New York City and its hundred plus years in business, kind of feels like one of those videos that play on repeat in your hotel room telling you about all of the hotel's many striking amenities. Bask in the glory of the shoe salon! Ooh, ahh! Behold the wonder of the draperies in the spacious upstairs apartment! Ahh, ooh! Justify repugnant craven consumption as if you're doing the poors a favor when you buy those sixty thousand dollar Manolos! Yes, yes, yes!

It is, and I totally use this phrase lightly, a grotesquerie of excess, drowning in mountains of Swarovski baubles and choking on its own over-perfumed stench. And it and everybody in it are so entirely proud of that fact there's really no point in pointing it out. So we do what we do, we pretend otherwise, we lap up the nonsense because gosh they're colorful big personalities, destroying the world one ever so pretty ream of prized anaconda skin at a time. These things are important, super important, because money money money! Bah humbug, I know, I just found it all so gross. Just pinch your nose and punch yourself in the crotch and recite Meryl's cerulean speech and you'll get the gist.

There are a few moments of (unintentional) insight scattered about - the Halston muse who's fixated on John F. Kennedy's exploded head without quite being able to say the phrase "exploded head" is typical, in that regard; I don't think there's a more apt metaphor for this crowd than a pink pill-box hat dripping with gore. And the personal shopper whose name I am so happy I don't remember because my god I have more important things to keep on file inside my brain, that old lady the film momentarily focuses on, she's one of those big colorful personalities I mentioned derisively but she's got a nice cut-through-the-bullshit demeanor that keeps her on the right side of entertaining inside a vacuum of vapidity, a la somebody like Bill Cunningham. And I do love the windows. But the day I go looking for my insights from the Olsen Twins is the day I carve off my own skin for a pair of extravagant heels.

I have to say the crowd of hip somebodies and their hangers-on that I was seeing the film with (it was the premiere so the fashion luminaries were there in full so-very-hungry force) were much better behaved than I anticipated - I suppose they were so hypnotized by having their egos so thoroughly stroked they were actually able to put down their phones for two hours (yes this thing is two hours long, somehow). Maybe I was just high off the fumes of Kathy and Richard Hilton and their orange daughter Nicky, who were sitting two rows in front of me, or perhaps it was the smell of the burning Hilfiger clan from down the row; maybe whatever gelatinous beast from outer space that it takes to keep Cristian Siriano's hair in place was the culprit? There must be somebody to blame for my impressive ill will, anyway. There were about fifty women who could have been Barbara Eden as she looks now - do you think plastic surgeons just have a machine with a "Barbara Eden" setting that they have do all their work for them on these rich ladies while they take off to play golf? I think they must.

But berating these people is beside the point (even if I did just spend a ton of words on doing just that) - there are plenty of fashion documentaries that've made me overlook the gleeful vulgarity of fashion culture, ones that've focused on actual craftspeople, people with real skills who actually make beautiful things. This is a two hour hand-job for a store. It rambles around looking for a point, but really it all comes down to is Yoko Ono spending half a million dollars on furs on Christmas Eve - they kill because they can, and because it momentarily masks the emptiness, and because they're too fucking fabulous to live.
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Five Frames From ?

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What movie is this?

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I Am Link

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--- Sun Pair - IndieWIRE chats with a couple of up-n-comer indie actor/filmmakers named Kate Lyn Shiel and Kentucker Audley (I still can't with that name) about Sun Don't Shine, the new directorial effort starring the two of them from Amy Seimetz, aka the leading lady in Upstream Color. What interests me here most is both actors are also in Ti West's next movie called The Sacrament, and they talk about that a bit. Mostly just about how Ti's movie actually was a big production, with trailers and stuff. Moving on up! As a side-note, he might be named Kentucker (was he named after EW's television critic?) but he's cute so I'll get over it.

--- State Of Cinema - Deadline has posted the entire transcript of Steven Soderbergh's "state of the cinema" speech that he gave in San Francisco this past weekend and it is brilliant stuff that's making me even sadder about his departure from film-making - we need him up in there fighting the good damned fight!

--- Thanos Three - On the other end of the spectrum, here's Joss Whedon talking about his plans for Marvel superhero storytelling for the next several years. I didn't pair these to knock Joss, lord knows I love him and look forward to what he'll be doing, and he'll hopefully be able to wedge his own distinctive voice into the enormous machinery of Hollywood.

--- Dark Night - Now that Alexander Skarsgard isn't going to play Tarzan - boo, boo! - he might end up playing The Crow instead. Rumor last week was Tom Hiddleston was talking with them about playing the part but turns out that was just talk, and Skarsy's the one to watch. I love Alex but I think Hiddles is a better pick? Not that I wouldn't watch a movie starring the former, of course.

--- Witchy Woman - Didja hear that Gabby Sidibe is joining the cast of the third season of American Horror Story? Super happy that she, against a lot of odds, continues to get work, although she's probably really tired of hearing things framed that way by now.

--- And finally, over at Fassy Headquarters they've voted the ten most glorious pictures of the man himself and I co-sign every single one's scrumptiousness.

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Gotta Getcha Molly

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I've posted about this a couple of times - the official fourth episode of Hannibal was yanked because of creator Bryan Fuller's concerns about a plot-line involving child violence (and Molly Shannon!) in the wake of the Boston bombings. They released a few clips online so we could piece together what we'd need to know before moving on to the next episode, and then they aired the fifth episode in its place. Well bless the stars and call me Betsy they've gone and released the fourth episode in full now, you can watch it on iTunes. I had a feeling the episode would be released in some form or another (it was airing overseas in full so, you know, the internet and all) so I've actually waited (with Tribeca going on I had distractions, at least) - I haven't seen either the fourth or the fifth episodes yet. But I'll most certainly be on it tonight, you can bet your most bottom dollar.

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Good Morning, World

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It's the 48th birthday of Adrian Pasdar, who gets continued happy birthday wishes from me on the strength of his incesty vibe with Milo Ventimiglia on Heroes and for Near Dark, even though he seems to have graduated to doing voice-over work at this point in his career. Oh, and also for having a spectacular bum. That helps. Keeps the memory fresh. And hey look below it's a picture of him standing in front of book-shelves in just a towel! We know how that does it for me. See more of him here and here.

Who Wore It Best?

Cascading ringlets?

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poll by twiigs.com

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Happy 43, Uma!

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Everything You Ever Need To Know About Life...

... you can learn from:

The Age of Innocence (1993)

Ellen Olenska: Is New York such a labyrinth? 

I thought it was all straight up and down like 5th Avenue. 

All the cross streets numbered and
big honest labels on everything.

Newland Archer: Everything is labeled,
but everybody is not. 

A happy 56th birthday to Daniel Day-Lewis

 and a happy 55th to Michelle Pfeiffer.

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Viva La Vincent

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(via) Vincent Cassel is forty-seven years old, and he probably eats wine and cigarettes for every meal of the day. Do you think it's sexing on Monica Bellucci? Is her lady business the fountain of youth? Discuss. And then hit the jump for eight more.

Trevor Donovan Three Times

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(via) Whoever slapped all that obnoxious type over Trevor Donovan's bared torso should be dragged into the town square and pelted with heads of lettuce until they apologize.

What've They Done To My Beloved Spider-Bum?

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Listen, I knew that Andrew Garfield's rump was helped out a little bit with some discreet padding in the costume he wore in the first movie. I was okay with this. You were okay with this. We were all okay with this. We just communally decided that we wouldn't say anything about it, and enjoy the fruits of everybody's labors. It was work going towards the most divine of intentions - who's going to complain about that? But somebody, I don't know, who, I don't want to point fingers, or say that maybe their name rhymes with Schmandrew Schmarfield or anything, but somebody decided they'd go au naturel this time around, and that somebody made a mistake.

It's okay! We're gonna get through this! We all make mistakes. Recognizing that a mistake was made it like 75% of the challenge. Now you just have to go and reshoot your entire multi-million dollar movie, with some padding, is all. Super simple! I will work for free, I swear it. Gimme that girl's job, the one on the left down below. I'll make magic happen! (pics via)

Today's Fanboy Delusion

Today I'd rather be...

... scrubbing away my sins
(while making some new ones) with the Kingslayer.

I haven't actually watched last night's latest episode of A Game of Thrones yet, but I already know of all the manly gratuity therein - there are actually several instances to go around, for once! - and far be it from me to wait to post naked Nikolaj Coster-Waldau if naked Nikolaj Coster-Waldau is there to be posted.

Mmhmm. And it's about time. We all know that Nikolaj, if you look up his name in the dictionary, is listed as an antonym for shy. And for good reason. So it's about time. Now I'm just gonna go into a trance staring at that gif for the next hour, bye.
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So Many Goosebumps

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I am going to spend the next several hours or so counting up all of my millions of goosebumps and naming each and every one of them Guillermo Del Toro Jr. after watching the beyond bad-assery on display in this here new trailer for Pacific Rim. Good lord, what does he have in store for us? Good lord! IMAX might not be good enough for this - I need like IMAX squared.

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Five Frames From ?

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What movie is this?

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Quote of the Day

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"Gratuitous" is a word I've been tossing off around here at MNPP since the very beginning - it seemed a good tongue-in-cheek way to sum up our dogged devotion to documenting the man-flesh. It recognizes both the spectacle and the silliness. It's a good solid word. The phrase "gratuitous nudity" must be reclaimed from the sex-hating ninnies - it is our friend. Too much? There can never be too much! Anyway there's an interview with Steven Soderbergh over here, he's making the rounds in the gay press with Behind the Candelabra, and the word came up so how could I not quote it?

Question: Not that I was counting, but there were three Matt Damon ass shots. When is an ass shot necessary and when is it gratuitous?

Steven Soderbergh: In this case, it would've been more awkward and distracting if you somehow didn't show it. But none of that was planned. Matt's in his robe and he gets into bed, and in another scene he's getting out of the hot tub. It's all stuff that was motivated; I guess that's really what it comes down to.

"Gratuitous" means they're doing something they wouldn't normally do to create an ass shot, and that's not how we were thinking. Though I certainly had it in mind when Matt came to the set and said, "You're not gonna believe the Brazilian tan line I got from the spray guy. The world has to see this."

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Joel's Jolly Jodhpurs

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Our eyes popped when we first saw Joel Edgerton straining in his jodhpurs in that last trailer for The Great Gatsby, and now they've gone and released a proper still photograph to prolong the experience, too. This is costuming that matters! As is Jason Clarke in a dirty wife-beater.

Give Catherine Martin more Oscars, please. 

See a ton more pictures over here.

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Fassy Is Fair, And Fair Is Fassy

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I couldn't even make it through gathering up the news for the previous post's round-up without seeing this news pop up on a thousand different sites at once so, yeah, you probably heard this by now. Michael Fassbender is going to play Macbeth. That all on its lonesome is quite special news indeed, worthy of enthusiasm. 

But the corker methinks is that he's making the movie with the director of Snowtown (aka The Snowtown Murders), a terribly terribly disturbing Australian serial killer movie that was my 4th favorite Scary Movie of 2012. You can read my entire review of it right here. I found it horribly upsetting, in precisely the correct way a grisly serial killer movie needs to be upsetting.

So Michael Fassbender plus Bill Shakespeare plus this up-n-comer director capable of real power and horror - there's a heckuva lot of horror to play around with in Macbeth - needless to say, I can safely sign my name on this in ink. Blood, even.

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I Am Link

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--- Blood Dying - It took me three times looking at this picture to realize that 's Jim Parrack from True Blood (Hoyt!) sitting beside James Franco in the first picture from Franco's adaptation of William Faulkner's As I Lay Dying, which got accepted by Cannes last week. Hey Hoyt! I don't think I knew he was in this.

--- Garden Grows - Speaking of James Franco, he's just signed on to direct an adaptation of Andres Dubas III's book The Garden of Last Days. Hey I have read that book! It's not often I've read something before it's announced as a movie - usually I read things right after I find out they'll be a movie. Anyway this book could make for an interesting movie, for sure. Read about it at the link. It's kind of weird they're filming it in New York though - it's a very Florida story.

--- Hand Him His Leather - And since we're talking about James Franco, here's Paolo's take on his "lost footage from Cruising, sorta" movie Interior Leather Bar over at The Film Experience.

--- Lion Bros - It's been awhile since Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy came out so we've been wondering what director Tomas Alfredson's been up to - turns out he's been setting the stage for his biggest movie to date. He's going to adapt the children's fantasy novel The Brothers Lionheart, and they're saying it will be the most expensive Scandinavian movie ever made. Not that expense guarantees quality, but having the director of Let the Right One In might. The writer of LTROI, both the book and the screenplay, is working on this screenplay, too. Anybody read this book? I am not familiar with it.

--- Pierce This - The Playlist has a behind-the-scenes clip from Bong Joon-ho's Snowpiercer - that "post-apocalypse on a train" movie with Chris Evans and Tilda Swinton - which according to them also offers a "tantalizing" first glimpse at actual footage. I feel like we should have a trailer for this thing by now, don't you?

--- Fairy Tales - Johnny Depp and Meryl Streep are apparently going to make a movie of of Sondheim's musical Into the Woods with Chicago director Rob Marshall. I really wanted to see ITW last Summer in Central Park but it never worked out. I guess this will be my chance. Nathaniel's not too excited about this prospect, though.

--- Yes Haven - I'm super happy to see a consensus building around director Gareth Evans' creepy-cult section of V/H/S/2 (my review) because it is the most fun I've had during a horror movie since Cabin in the Woods. And as much as I love Cabin, Safe Haven is fun and scary, a feat Cabin doesn't entirely pull off. See also Rich's take on all the Tribeca horror movies here.

--- Scream Weekly - I missed this at the tail-end of last week but Glenn was on the case as he is whenever Scream comes up - MTV is really making that Scream TV series, it seems. They might even get Wes Craven to direct some of it.

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Today's Mood

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Goddamn allergies.

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Good Morning, World

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Can anybody tell me what Montgomery Clift is wearing in that picture - Pants? Shorts? Underwear? I can't tell! Anyway director Fred Zinnemann made a ton of classic movies - High Noon, The Day of the Jackal, Oklahoma! - but when I hear his name I immediately think of Monty and From Here Til Eternity, and that's not so bad an honorific, right? So here on what would have been his birthday, we look at Monty. When I'm dead feel free to do the same thing on my birthday. (When not weeping and throwing yourself upon my tomb, naturally.)