Wednesday, January 02, 2013

The World Forgetting, By The World Forgot

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You know how we always worry when a new remake of a beloved movie gets announced? How our worst fears are usually that it's a money-grab and that they're just gonna ride on the property's name recognition and that they don't actually have anything new to say with the story, or reason to even re-tell it? Len Wiseman's Total Recall is all of those fears distilled into a nightmare essence that would make the devil himself piss his tattered drawers. It is liquid horror - it is the blood of Giger's aliens in cinematic form splashed upon our most innocent of hopes and dreams.

My guess is that somewhere at the studio that bankrolled this thing there's a really pissed off executive - not because the movie didn't do well, but rather that he's a man who lost a bet. A bet that Len Wiseman couldn't possibly take every single thing that was interesting and weird and idiosyncratic about Paul Verhoeven's movie and sandblast the living fuck right off of it. Something interesting would have to remain right? Ha ha, sucker. You don't know from Len Wiseman. This shit-stain's as slick and lifeless as his silicone Barbie leading lady slash wife.

This movie made me come to Tom Cruise's defense, and for that I will never forgive it - it cribs mercilessly from Steven Spielberg's Minority Report which had me comparing the careers of Cruise and Colin Farrell, and I realized that love hate him or hate him Tom Cruise has always been fairly crafty in picking his projects, while Mr. Farrell - ten times hotter and more likeable though he may be - apparently picks his projects by filling a room with scripts and jumping in Scrooge McDuck style and picking whatever attaches itself to him on the way back out. I mean at least Colin does us the solid of spending the first few minutes of this here Recall in just a low-slung pair of pajama pants... but it's just gotta be more, Colin. I have a life to live and there are only so many minutes in it and you have stolen so many away from me with this and your lithe little man hips, lovely though they be, cannot pay this particular piper off.

2 comments:

Jaime Grijalba said...

It is distilled from everything that the 1990 original had and it does suck a lot of ideas from Minority Report. Not even Colin Farrell could save this, but I guess there are a couple of interesting ideas, but it's just too late when they come up.
Great review.

Anonymous said...

I think that the directing was really really good and Len does good with a budget and action -underworld was not as good because it had half the budget- Kate was Great in this too. Timberlake's wife was like a statue. And we go to Colin who is not a leading actor. He can play any role and he won't make it. Alexander the Great? War movies, Miami Vice, Captain Smith etc but he is not a leading actor. He does great in secondary roles or small ones. But not a leading actor. Tom Cruise has my heart. I don't know why. Maybe because I grew up with him.

Sal