Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Apocalypse's Ways Not To Die

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2012 (2009)

I can't imagine a worse fate than to die 
as an eensy weensie pixelated nobody 
in the background of a John Cusack movie. 
So let's give some love to these folks today, 
here on the cusp of Most Terrible Mayan Armageddon.

Frame 1 - That guy's name is Jeremiah. He was on his way to buy some cigarettes at the corner store. He forgot to walk his dog this morning, but figured he can do it when he gets home. His dog's name is Jonesy, after the cat in Aliens.

Frame 2 - That's Mary and her son Connor. They live five houses down from Kate Curtis (Amanda Peet); Mary just had a pool party a couple of weeks ago, but Kate couldn't come because Kate has constant fucking drama in her life. Connor smokes a lot of pot, but he gets good grades so Mary doesn't say anything.

Frame 3 - This is Manuel. He just got off work, and is going to run a few errands (and maybe grab a beer) before going home to take over with the kids so his wife can go to her night job. He has three daughters.

Frame 4 - That's Eric. He's an accountant, and he loves it. He takes off the entire month of August every year to go skiing in the Alps. He's very good at it. He's saving up to buy a place in Switzerland and retire there some day.

Frame 5 - That's Jack and his wife Mindy. She just found out she's pregnant. They've been trying to a few years, although Mindy is kind of ambivalent. She thinks Jack is cheating on her. (He is not.)

Frame 6 - The majority of the Hausmann family are here, lined up in several cars, on their way to a funeral. Mama Hausmann was 97 years old when she died two days ago. She just drifted off while watching Wheel of Fortune. The last thing she ever saw was Vanna White's smile.

Frame 7 - That's Mark, Tom, Jennifer and Salvatore. They don't know each other, but when the ground started rumbling their cars were close. Tom immediately thought to himself how cute Jennifer was, although he didn't know her name. Jennifer was thinking about her sister, who's in the hospital two blocks away.

Frame 8 - That's Dawn and Hillary and their daughter Stephanie. Dawn and Hillary have been together for twenty-five years; in fact their anniversary was just last week. They met at a bar, which Dawn is embarrassed about so she usually tells the story differently. Hillary thinks that is cute. Stephanie wants to be a politician when she grows up, because she thinks it's wrong her mothers can't get married.

Frame 9 - That's Kevin Costner.

Frame 10 - Folks on their way to work. Just like me this morning, just like you where ever you are. Reading the newspaper, playing a video game on their iPods, thinking angry thoughts about their spouses or happy thoughts about the upcoming weekend or wiping a smear off breakfast of their sleeve while thinking absolutely nothing at all. Their coffee is light, their hangover is thick, the change in their pockets clangs and clacks against their thigh when they walk. They have down comforters on their beds at home, nightlights in their bathrooms. They owe money to their uncles. They watched a movie the other day, they can't quite remember the name of it, it starred that guy who was in that other thing, you know. It wasn't very good, but it passed the time.


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Previous Ways Not To Die: For Being Mouthy -- Do You Smell What Billy's Mom Is Cooking -- The Milk Done Gone Bad -- An Inability To Stop Drop and Roll -- Bug Sprayed -- Extreme Makeover: Leatherface Edition -- Window Seat Suck -- Razor Bunting -- Stabbed Thru The Heart And Witches Are To Blame -- Shark Kibble -- Is That a Straight Razor In Your Trunks Or Are You Just Happy To See Me -- Bad Dates -- Fry Guy'd -- Super Battle Bystander Shrapnel Shred -- Staring Contest of the Dead -- Satanic Self Sacrifice -- Fist and Fortune -- Psychedelic Penis Slice To Window Toss -- For Crimes Against Accent -- Sacked -- Speed Bumped For Traffic Spikes -- Shark Versus Jet-Ski -- Hot Oil Treatment -- Tucked In By Jason -- Just A Pair of Snowbodies -- Poison Pellet Kibble Swap -- Dolly Disassembled -- Fire Escape Fall Out -- Unbuggered -- Tell 'Em Large Marge Sent'cha -- Blue Man Gooped -- Tongue Stung -- Now Wouldn't Cha, Barracuda? -- Leaving on a Rat Plane -- Panthers! -- Fashion Faux-Pwned -- "It's Just A Box." -- Blasted Pigeons -- Taunting Ahnuld -- The Too Hot Tub -- Beyond the Veil -- Sunken Prayers-- Super Crack -- Brains Blown -- Fur For The Boogens -- White Hot Bunny Rabbit Rage --Dragged To Hell -- The TV Van That Dripped Blood -- Don't Mess With Mama -- Heads Ahoy --Martyred For Sheep -- Heads Nor Tails -- He Loves Me Knot -- The Great Bouncing Brad --Miss Kitty's 8 Mishaps -- Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed --Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run-- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance-- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry --Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 --Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye --Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away --Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door-- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue-- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!!-- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded --Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare --Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head
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9 comments:

Ronald said...

THIS is my favorite Thursday Kill ever! Friday the 13th kills who? Final Destination orchestrations what? No. A new king has risen!

Roark said...

Totally agree with Ronald - this is just so good on so many levels. Well done, sir!

Joe K said...

This here pretty much epitomizes why I love this blog: it's gleefully ridiculous and improbably gorgeous at the same time.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant.

JA said...

Aww shucks thanks guys! I'd been thinking of doing this one for quite awhile - those Mayans gave me a lot of time to prepare! ;)

Derreck said...

This was so much fun (and kind of sad) to read!

Plus, fuck Eric.

Anonymous said...

Just read it again. Still hilarious.

Glenn said...

Oh man, have you read AND THE MAN NEXT TO YOU? It's by a guy I know who detailed the back story of every character from UNDER SIEGE. It's amazing.

http://andthemannexttoyou.tumblr.com/

This, of course, was great though!

Burbanked said...

Brilliant and inspiring! "This is Kevin Costner" made me spray peanut M&Ms from my nose.