Monday, July 12, 2010

The Extra S Is For Spine-Rippings

I want you to close your eyes and imagine what a movie theater in Times Square on a Saturday night the opening weekend of a horror-tinged action movie's release should look like. Can you hear the hollering? How about the hooting? Can you smell the over-buttered popcorn flying by your head? Do you feel the need to shield your eyes from the cell-phone screens flashing and beeping? Fun, right? If your definition of fun is "shoving a double-barreled shotgun up your ass, fully loaded" of course. I have lived through, I have survived, such experiences more times than I can count. And it was the weirdest fucking experience watching Predators this weekend.

The audience was dead. DEAD. Eerily silent, from start to finish. I've been to movies where it's been quiet before and it's been obvious what was going on was everyone was actually sucked into and enjoying the movie - this was decidedly not that experience. This was some insane simultaneous concoction of boredom and over-stimulation. Everything was lush and green and busy and there, so much there. And it went through all the motions. This happened and then this happened and then this happened, ta dah! At some point I realized I was bored, but it took me awhile - I think it was around the time Cowboy Curtis showed up - and that was when I noticed the silence. Crickets.

It was very bizarre, I tell you. I'm inclined to think someone gassed the theater and we all hallucinated the picture while theater employees came in and lobotomized us without us being aware (aside: yes, I watched Cypher yesterday). I couldn't really tell you much of what I saw. The Predators looked great - I love that they mostly went with practical special effects for them. The Predator dogs-things, on the other hand, were jackassery. Adrien Brody borrowed Christian Bale's Batman register and took off his shirt for a couple of minutes. Someone blessedly got their spine torn out (that is what you go to a Predator movie for, after all). Uh... Morpheus wore a turban? Five o'clock is bitch rapin' time? I don't know. This happened and then this happened and then this happened, ta dah.


breedaniels said...

I am never , I repeat NEVER going to AMC Empire 25 in Times Square EVER of the top three worst movie going experiences of my life....and not just cause I saw "Love Ranch", which I found to be a rather guilty pleasure....not to mention Sergio-Peres Mencheta who I think is ABSOULUTELY GORGEOUS!!!! He is like a Spanish Liam Neeson meets Javier Bardem.

jeffreygmm said...

morhpeus been eatin

Jwise said...

First of all, why you seeing movies in midtown? Do you hate yourself?

Second, my theater was at like 50% capacity as pin-drop silent too. Eerie

Jason Adams said...

Times Square is just convenient from where I live, it only takes us 15 minutes to get there. And I like the actual theaters there - the screens and the seats, that is. So we end up going there a lot.

But I have stopped going to opening weekend movies there for the most part, esp. horror movies, because those are the worst audiences I've ever experienced in my whole life. This weekend came down to the convenience factor though, because I am hobbled with my sprained ankle and getting there involved the least walking.

Also yes I hate myself. ;-)

Anyway so weird that your audience was the same, JWise. It's some sort of stupefying power that this movie holds.

zyzzyva said...

Seriously, jeffreygmm! The boyfriend leaned over and whispered, 'He must've survived 10 seasons by eating the new drop-ins...'

The theater I was in wasn't dead at all. There was plenty of laughter throughout the whole thing.
I didn't think it was as bad as reviews had prepared me for, but it wasn't great. I think you pinpointed it: it was just boring.

Was it just me, or did they totally not go through with the promo photo with four sets of the red dots on Adrien Brody? I think they cut it so that there was only the one on his head...

Jason Adams said...

I noticed that shot was gone too, zyzzyva, and kept waiting for it. It made for such a striking visual in the trailer. But now after seeing the movie I don't know how it ever fit in; maybe they just cg'd it for the trailer like that I guess.

Terence said...

I too saw predators in times square and I thought the theater was nice...but the movie was just ok. It had its moments but it was more of a meh for me