Thursday, April 29, 2010

Thursday's Ways Not To Die

WARNING: GROSSNESS AHEAD! Alright everybody, not only is today's Way Not To Die honoring one of the grossest deaths ever captured on celluloid, it's also kinda long. Excessive in every aspect! Which is why I love it so much, of course. It's completely ridiculous, stupid disgusting, and one of Freddy Kreuger's greatest kills ever. Don't say I didn't warn you. And with that I give you...
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Where do I even begin? To those of you who haven't seen this movie you're probably all WTF? and I do not blame you. Why would be break her arms as she's working out and turn her into a giant bug? Well let me tell you why: her love of working out and her fear of bugs are the entire sum of character traits that poor lil' Debbie (Brooke Theiss) is given in the entire film. And she lasts almost to the end! These scene is about 4/5ths of the way into the movie! And every time she's on-screen, it's all, "My name is Debbie and I love to work out," or, "Her name is Debbie and she sure does hate bugs!" So naturally when Freddy's got her in his clutches, he'd find a way to bring everything together. Freddy pays attention like that. I bet he'd be an awesome gift-giver. You'd totally want him to pick your name in the office Secret Santa pool. Maybe that's why his sweater's red and green?

This marks the 4th death by Freddy Krueger to get the Ways Not To Die treatment. We've previously honored Johnny Depp getting regurgitated by his mattress, Toy Newkirk (yeah, that's still the greatest name ever) sucking face with Freddy, and Nick Corri getting strung up by some oddly phallic sheets.


Esteemed company, to be sure.

That puts the Nightmare on Elm Street series in a tie with both the Friday the 13th films and the Final Destination films for most number of Ways Not To Die documented so far. Four apiece! That seems about right, I guess.


Anyway the Elm Street reboot is due out in a few hours! I asked y'all at the start of the week where your enthusiasm for the new film stands and you can see where that poll stands right here. Cautious optimism seems to be winning out, although if you add up the folks that don't much give a hoot I guess they're number one for reals. Will anything in the new movie come close to the ridiculous genius of this buggy demise?

Oh and this death scene was one of the ones included in the list of 7 Great Elm Street Deaths that I did for MSNBC, and long as we're linking again I might as well link to my main article on the reboot over there as well, just cuz. Cuz me! Me! Ha!

Anyway, in summation, ick. Just ick.

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Previous Ways Not To Die: A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run -- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance -- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head
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4 comments:

Ivan said...

Great one!
Thanks!
--Ivan

SeangSTM said...

Favourite Nightmare on Elm Street Death EVAH.

So good. Her scream when she first jumps up off the weight bench with her new insect arms is brilliant.

Also, hardly mentioned is the awesome fake-out looped scene going on that is intercut with this death...Alice and Dan looping from driving his truck to picking Alice up at the diner...so good.

JA said...

SeangSTM I love the looping bit too. This post was too long already so I didn't have room for it, but it's golden. (It's aided especially by Danny Hassel being so freaking adorable.)

SeangSTM said...

TOTALLY agree. His death in the next film was pretty insane...