The Golden Trousers '09: 10 Scary Movies

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Capping off a terrific decade for horror films was a terrific year for horror films. Maybe one day (ha) I'll get around to listing the best of the Aughts (ha) and when I do (ha) I have no doubt that several of these fine films below will make a distinct mark therein. Nearly all the beasts are represented - vampires and zombies and Satan and ghosts and demons and children. (Shudder, children.) It's a monsterpalooza and we're all invited! So let's get down to boogying.

The best scary movies of 2009 according to me are here...

Jennifer’s Body (d. Karyn Kusama)
(original review)

I was torn between Diablo Cody's vag-opus and the Brit killer-kids goodtimery The Children here for the tenth spot, but in the end I felt the need to throw JB some affection because damn, the hate spat at this sucker was unwarranted, as are its Razzie nominations. It's hit-or-miss but it's tit is in the right place. And Megan Fox is fucking good in it, so suck it. And then there's darling Mandy, being just darling as usual. It'll find a long boy-sucking afterlife on DVD.

Paranormal Activity (d. Oren Peli)
(original review)

Not a film that lingers well (I can't imagine it being scary on a second viewing), but I'm not gonna knock the way it got under my skin during several long passages that first night in the theater. When you actually find yourself mentally stepping out of the film because your heart is beating so quickly in your chest that it's... well, sorta alarming, then you know the shit's doing its job. Truth be told, if I hadn't gotten so annoyed at the PR machine (and that bungled screening I saw it at) that drove this one off the cliff, it might've placed higher. It's an effective lil' single-serving boo box.

Orphan (d. Jaume Collet-Serra)
(original review)

Totally blessedly ridiculous in the happiest way imaginable. So much fun. Vera's having a blast for one, you can see it in the corners of her crinkled eyes, and she's infectious. But the be-all-end-all is little Esther, with her secrets, bound to be a camp icon for the ages. "They fuck." "You pissed yourself." "I'll shoot Mommy if you tell." I could go on all day. High-larity.

The Last House on the Left (d. Dennis Iliadis)
(original review)

I really didn't think an update of Wes Craven's film, a film so grimy I feel the need to shower after watching it, could work in this day and age. But work it does, anchored by some nastily charismatic work by Garrett Dillahunt as the foul ringleader of a bunch of bastards, and a palpable sense of fear and rage pouring off of Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter as the parents of the the defiled girl. And the switch-up from the original that I thought would misfire - their daughter's actually alive and now they've got to protect her - ended up working brilliantly in the film's favor. Huh.

Thirst (d. Park Chan-wook)
(original review)

I've wrestled with this film for a few months now and expect I will the whole (hopefully) long length of my life. It seems to dance on the tips of your expectations, never wanting to slip into the boxes you're prepared to assign it to. It's a romance where nobody loves anybody and a fright flick where the monster's afraid of doing anything. And then suddenly everything's slapstick! I really didn't love it at first but I'm completely fascinated by it and like it a little more with each viewing. And as with all of Park's films, it's technically dazzling.

[REC]2 (d. Jaume Balagueró and Paco Plaza)
(original review)

I don't know when this fantastic sequel will get real play here in the States, but if and when it does, GO. Expanding the mythology of the first admittedly sparse film (sparse working in its favor, of course) in unexpected ways, and then expanding those unexpected expansions into delightfully inventive visualizations, I can't say enough about how satisfying this double-dipper was. And there's gonna be a Part 3! Seeing where this one ends off I can't imagine what a third film would look like, it'll have to be completely different, but this second film proves that Balagueró and Plaza got the goods to go where we don't expect and nail it.

The House of the Devil (d. Ti West)

(original review)

I've probably posted more about Ti West's 80s babysitter-n-pizza fun-time explosion than I have any other horror film this year, or at least it feels that way. And with much good reason! What a splendid place to visit, it is. Some people find its old-fashioned rhythms plodding but I was completely enraptured by the world he creates, and by the girls, and how much we come to like them in the set-up, and then night comes, and it's dark, and they start making silly decisions not realizing what sort of movie they're in, and we wanna reach through the screen and shake some sense into them, but no no no, there is nowhere for them or us to go. Nowhere.

Pontypool (d. Bruce McDonald)
(original review)

Words. Like that one. Right there. Words! They have the power! The power to drive men to horrible things. That's something the radio disc jockeys are aware of - hell it's how most of them make their living. Up the outrage. Say the exciting terrible things. People will listen. And someday, they'll act. Pontypool is about what happens when the acting takes over, and the only answer left is to not talk at all. Shut up. Your voice is poisoning the world.

2 / 1 - ????

Awww shit. I'm keeping secrets! Here's the deal - both of these flicks play in my Top 20 of the year, which I'll be posting tomorrow. So I'm saving my words for them for then. Until then, suffer!!! Wha ha ha! Seriously it's probably not that hard to figure out what they are if you've listened to me at all this year. One of them especially - the other might test your remembrances a bit. But, until tomorrow...
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