Thursday, January 07, 2010

Thursday's Ways Not To Die


Oh my god you guys this scene is so fucking long! It goes on forever! I hope I got across just a tenth even of it's gratuitousness here. Shot of lady pleading! Shot of guy with giant effin' drill! Pleading! Drill! Pleading Drill! Back and forth and back and forth until I wanted to grab the drill and stick it through both of my eye sockets, ugh! I didn't even include the "comic" bit about the drill coming unplugged or the "hero" racing to save her with some joggers only to be attacked by her dog. I've wanted to do this scene forever just because the pay-off - the money-shot if you will and I know you will because otherwise why would you be here reading this - at the end, of the drill between his legs and then penetrating through the floor, well that is some memorable gratuity right there. But I hadn't remembered or realized until I was going through this scene frame by frame how long it all goes on for. Endless.

And not just that, but how useless this lady is when it comes to struggling, too! I mean, pull yourself together! I know it's in keeping with oh let's be nice and call it Brian DePalma's "point of view" that she be such a sexualized and defenseless capital-V Victim, or at least the commentary he means to make, taking everything way past 11, but she's such a wet noodle. She just keeps standing there, or falling on the floor and apparently completely forgetting there's a murderous fucking lunatic right beside her. "Oh, you're still here?" WTF, lady?

Anyway! Just... I just have to hand it to DePalma for always going there. There being THERE, way over there, where nobody else was gonna go. Turning Rear Window into... this. I mean... the man has dedication. A dedication to the logical extremes that everybody was kinda working towards and then he just went and jumped all the way ahead and we were all, "Oh, that's where we were heading? Eww. No thank you."

Previous Ways Not To Die: A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head


SeangSTM said...

OMG! He just killed Mandy Winger...JR is gonna be PISSED.

Jason Adams said...

I thought she seemed familiar! Ha! I meant to look her up and never got around to it. Deborah Shelton.

Ross said...

I love this movie! Melanie Griffith should have won an Oscar.