Leave A Yodel After The Beep

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Heidi-ho, everyone, I am gone. Gone! Auf Wiedersehen! A chateau in the Alps has what better be a big fucking fluffy down pillow with my name on it! Excuse me, mit meinem Namen auf ihm. Gotta get in der Deutsche habit. I'm sure my German readers are cringing. Apologies! Entschuldigungen!

Anyway, I'm gone until Thursday, July 9th. That's at the soonest actually; it'll probably be more likely that I won't return to proper blogging until Friday when I'm back at work. Ack the phrase "back at work" just gave me heart palpitations. Not even gone yet and I'm thinking about my return. Blurgh on that nonsense! A pox on my thoughts!

But if ya all want to do me a favor - and why wouldn't you? Hrm? What kind of selfish monsters are you anyway? What sort of crowd have I gotten myself tangled up with? Before I know it here come the teardrop facial tattoos, the ritual kitten-slayings... I can see it all now, lain out in front of me like a long slow descent into a terrible, orgasmic oblivion - you could use this post's comments to tell me of things that happen that might interest me in the week I'm away. The comments are your oyster! That just sounds gross. I've never really gotten that phrase, "the world is your oyster." Like what, I'm supposed to rip the world in half and slurp its slippery guts down my gaping maw, and then feel sexy like, with the Barry White and satin boxer shorts? Nonsense. Aaaanyway, I'd love to find a repository of All The News That Matters here when I get back. Imagine how sad I'll be if I see a big empty zero-comments pit-o-despair upon returning. I might just go back to Switzerland never to blog again! I just might! I'm warning you! I will stop this blog and make you get out and leave you standing there on the road-side for the next pervert to come along to pick up and have their filthy, handsy way with you!

I don't know what I'm rambling on about here. I think its separation anxiety. I'm going to be without a computer for a whole week! I can't let go! What if Jake puts on his spandex? What if Chris Evans wrestles with his gay brother in public? HOW WILL I KNOW???

Dear me. Everybody have a nice July 4th and I will see you next week a changed man, a worldly traveler, with the ancient horrible wisdoms of the pure mountain air etched into the lines around my newly seeing - really truly deeply seeing - man's eyes.

Yo.
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