Thursday, April 16, 2009

Anybody Got 85 Million Dollars I Can Borrow?

I'm totally good for it, I swear. That's just what I need to make my lover Eli Roth's dreams come true. You remember him, right? He's that dude that directed some horror movies that were... divisive... a couple of years back. The ones I (mostly) adored. Yeah, you know, the guy with the enormous uncut schlong. That one. Anyway, he's in some Nat-zi movie coming out this Summer and has finally decided to share what else he might be doing very soon. Via MTV:

"Filmmaker Eli Roth burst onto the scene a few years back with the gory, gruesome, great “Cabin Fever” and “Hostel” films, but has kept a relatively low profile ever since. Recently, he stopped by the MTV studio to tell us about his new top secret sci-fi screenplay, and the revolutionary double-barreled plan to finally film his “Grindhouse” trailer.

“I’m almost done with my new script,” revealed Roth, whose upcoming return to glory also includes his first major acting role in Quentin Tarantino’s “Inglourious Basterds” this August. “I was actually almost done with it before ‘Basterds,’ but I had to put it down, and that was actually a good thing I took time away from it, but I’m going to finish that up and start shooting this fall.”

Although Roth couldn’t tell us the film’s name, he was enthusiastic about it being his first-ever big budget movie. “I don’t want to give away the title yet, because I have to make sure I own it 100%, but it’s going to be something that is really fun with lots of mass destruction,” he said. “I wanted to do something along the lines of ‘Transformers’ or ‘Cloverfield’ that was a little more science fiction-based, and with lots of chaos and mass destruction.”

“I don’t want to say what [the monster is] yet,” Roth added. “Once it gets set up, I will let everyone know. It is not aliens or robots or a virus - it’s a little more grounded. But when people hear it they are going to be like ‘That is going to be insane!’.”

If that doesn’t sound cool enough, here’s where Roth’s news gets really good: The filmmaker hopes to use the leftover budget from his blockbuster to finally shoot a low-budget, full-length version of his howlingly hilarious trailer from 2007’s “Grindhouse.”

“The plan is this: I want to do a huge budget movie, but tack on three weeks to the end of it and shoot ‘Thanksgiving’,” he revealed. “I want to do an $80 million dollar movie, and then schedule three weeks at the end to quickly shoot a $5 million dollar movie.”

Roth said that after he shoots his untitled sci-fi blockbuster, he’ll get back to his roots by filming “the sickest, bloodiest, most violent slasher movie,” he said of the “Thanksgiving” flick inspired by the holiday-themed horror classics of the ‘80s. “I want to make the highest body count slasher film I can.”

Once the sci-fi script is finished, Roth plans to shop the two movies around to studios, looking for an $85 million budget for the pair. “Yeah,” he explained of the plan. “You just do them both.”"

Yes, Eli, just do them both. Easy peasy! It's nice to see that the slight hiatus from film-making has quelled his... enthusiasm. Just get 'er done, mate, that's all I care. Do the big movie, do the small one, do fucking something. I maintain he's a fucking talented motherfucker - he brings out my vulgar, defensive side in case you couldn't tell; I've argued in his favor too many times, I gotta come out guns a'blazing - and maintain correspondingly that I look forward to everything he gets done.

But he just needs to get something done already. It's been two years since Hostel: Part II came out and mostly disappointed (it had it's moments). There've been myriad announcements of what he was up to since - an adaptation of Stephen King's Cell is still listed on his IMDb page even though that got denounced ages ago, and there was that Trailer Trash movie he kept yammering about that's apparently turned to dust and broken dreams. So just get 'er done, Eli. Please. I beg of you - make me shut the fuck up!

In the meantime though, I do look forward to watching him smash in some Nat-zi skulls with some baseball bats! Yippee!


Dan said...

Why do you think you like horror pictures?

Jason Adams said...

God, there are a million ways I could answer that question; it's not simple for me at all. Because I love the adrenaline rush. Because I like to face scary things without real fear of danger and remind myself hat I'm safe and alive. Because I'm terrified of and obsessed with death. Because my mommy dropped me on my head when I was a baby. Because I have anger management issues and enjoy watching annoying people get hurt sometimes. Because I want to know what I'm made of. Because monsters is cool.

I could keep going. Every single one of those are real answers, by the way; I'm not being a smart-ass.

Anonymous said...

I actually liked Hostel 2 better than the first (and I really liked the first). I think, technically, as a film it was better-constructed, the storyline was a bit more interesting, and castration is an awesome way to end any movie-going experience!

Bea said...

I don't really like Eli Roth's movies, but DAMN, is he pretty to look at.

Dale said...

Out of his movies, I've only seen Cabin Fever, that was just a few days ago. It's not often that a film makes me so angry, but God, I hated those kids so very much. Their treatment of the bum and then Karen was absolutely horrible. If the heroes in his other movies manage not to sexually assault anyone or assault and kill helpless sick people, maybe I could like some of his work.