Thursday, December 18, 2008

Christmas' Ways Not To Die


First off, Billy the Deranged Santa Impersonator Who Kills People (Robert Brian Wilson, in his very first role, before going on to some scattered gigs on TV and then disappearing) seen killing people there above? In that last shot, with his post-murder O-face? He looks just like this guy I dated in college. Which leads to a lot of confusing, conflicting feelings, which are kind of creeping me out.

Anyway, on a less personal note, does this scene remind anyone else of poor Barney the dog being strung up by the bad Mogwai in Gremlins?

It makes me think of that scene immediately. And then I remember that it always seemed a little much, those tiny Mogwai hauling that big dog up like that. I mean, they're not even Gremlins proper yet, they're still just the little furballs at this point... but I suppose they've got the will-power and the ingenuity to do such things, after all. How dare I doubt them!

And then I think of dreamy Billy (Zach Galligan)...

Even Gizmo got starry-eyed whenever he said his name.

Such a crush on that Zach Galligan back in the day. Dreamboat! But no, I am digressing here, it's an entirely different Billy that we are supposed to be talking about! Billy the Deranged (yet also hot) Santa Impersonator Who Kills People, as seen up at top. And Gizmo doesn't like that Billy.

If you've ever had the... pleasure?... of seeing Silent Night, Deadly Night, you'll probably agree with me that it's one of the nastier 80's slasher movies. And you might wonder why I chose the above death scene instead of the most memorable death scene from the movie, when Horror Icon Linnea Quigley has that unfortunate topless rendezvous with the business end of a pair of antlers.

Well... that shit is a little hardcore for me to lovingly document frame by frame. Yes, even for me. I chickened out on a Ways Not To Die once before (the "Curbing" scene in American History X) and here I'm going with the friendlier "Man Strangling" scene in the movie... the movie that has a rightful rep for misogyny. This guy Billy's seen killing above was just trying to rape the girl Billy is in love with! So he's bad and deserves Billy's wrath! (Never mind the fact that the girl Billy loves doesn't see this strangling as the Act Of Love it was meant to be, freaks out, and then Billy kills her. I said nevermind that right now!) So here we have Billy's failed attempt at a noble act that leads to all that unfortunateness down the road. Did I mention Billy the Deranged Santa Impersonator Who Kills People is also hot? I did? it deserves visual recognition. I love how we're introduced to Adult Billy - with a long slow pan up him:

Hey there, big fella in ill-fitting Mom Jeans. Wanna help me "load" my "car"? Anyway...

He's a hot piece of Faux-Kringle. Too bad he's all nuts and and stabby and all. What a waste!

A note: This is coming at y'all a week early because I am totally going to be lying on a beach getting my laze on come Christmas Day. Yay me-on-a-beach! Come this Sunday, I'll be out of town for a week. (And on a beach, y'all!) I've got a few little things set to post during the week on their own, but otherwise you should expect radio silence here at MNPP for most of next week. So this yuletide-y stab at gratuitousness of the fleshy male sort as well as the stab-stab is sort of my early gift to y'all. Oh come all ye perverts!

Previous Ways Not To Die: A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head


Anonymous said...

Happy holidays and thanks for a great year of posts! Question--I always thought that mean ole Polly Holiday had strung up the dog or had him strung up in that scene...maybe I missed any rate, this makes me want to go home and watch Gremlins tonight!!!!

Jason Adams said...

Billy thinks that Mrs. Deagle had the poor dog strung up, but I think the look on Spike's face when Billy gets out of bed to find Barney tells the truth, that the Mogwai did it. That the Gremlin Spirit after all - to create chaos and distrust and technological mayhem.

Any night is a good night to watch Gremlins, Shaun. Happy Holidays to you, too!

Anonymous said...

whatever happened to Zach Galligan? So! Damn! Cute!

It's partially a rhetorical question, since i know i can just check the IMDB and find out the answer, but i feel sure it will be a depressing string of bad movies no one ever saw. When what he needs to be doing is tons of gay porn. with me. and no camera.

Anonymous said...'re probably right...I'm going to have to view those little guys with even more suspicion when watching tonight...sneaky little critters...agreed with all, by the way...Zach=yum!

John said...

I remember seeing Gremlins when it 1st released I think in 84 or 85 and there wasn't any PG13 yet. I think he was my 1st male celebrity crush, was he ever cute.

Anonymous said...

Ok i've had time to feel remorseful about my earlier comment and the implication zach galligan wasn't still doing wonderful things. also i wanted to find some shirtless pix of him. so i googled him - and found out he has a blog!