Thursday, October 30, 2008

Thursday's Ways Not To Die

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Hopefully one day via these posts I'll be able to document all the ridiculous deaths in the Nightmare series, especially into these later sequels, because there are some doozies. I've always had a special place in my heart for this here demise of Sheila Kopecky because... well I have no idea really.

Could it be that poor Sheila is most definitely the answer to the question of what would've been born if Lisa Turtle had finally fallen under the seductive charms of Samuel "Screech" Powers?


She's Femme-Urkel, for sure.

Or it might be that the actress playing Femme-Urkel is named Toy Newkirk. Toy! Newkirk! Toy Newkirk! I have to get a new fish for the fishbowl right away to be immediately dubbed Toy Newkirk.

Or it might just be that after ghost-writing "Learning With Freddy Is Fun!!!" on her test, making blood drip out of her fountain pen, and then having a giant robot arm (!) come out of her desk to try and pull her through, Freddy then deflates her body like a balloon animal with his sexy kisses. That might be it.

What I find especially noticeable here is how BORING Femme-Urkel's real-world death is in comparison to her in-dream death though. Whatever happened to people's sleeping bodies flying around and being thrashed open by mysterious knife wounds? All Femme-Urkel gets in the real world is a surprisingly bosomy asthma attack. In fact, all of the real-world-counterpart deaths in The Dream Master are bloodless and sorta lackluster, which misses half the fun of a Freddy movie - on-lookers watching someone in their midst inexplicably bleeding out! It's fun, I tells ya! A real hoot.

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Previous Ways Not To Die: A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head
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2 comments:

Sam J. Miller said...

Hey you - did you see this post of 100 horror movie posters! neat neat neat

http://wellmedicated.com/inspiration/100-illustrated-horror-film-posters-part-1/

Rocky Carmine said...

So happy to see this here, even if it is a year after you posted!

Have to say, Sheila's death is my absolute favorite dream death in any of the Nightmares.