Thursday, January 17, 2008

Thursday's Ways Not To Die

I could've done this post on how this trilogy-capper was a terrible fate to finish off such a beloved (by somebody out there, I guess, judging from its box office receipts) franchise with - like being locked in a room with a toothless pitbull and being gummed to death, one might say - but I wouldn't want to go so meta as to blow anybody's mind or anything.

But thankfully, whilst mid-dozing off from this bloated corpse of a movie, I looked up long enough to see the above ever-so-briefly entertaining moment. My eyes brightened for a few delightful seconds, and then slowly, assuredly, they fluttered back to half-mast while another eight hours of exposition and unfunny Jack Sparrow DOA riffs went on... and on... and on. Did I miss a couple of action scenes here or what? WTF? Did I really just spend three hours listening to gibberish about the hierarchy of heart-carving and shipping routes? What a wreck. It's not even worth the groan-worthy punning of calling it a shipwreck, I tells ya! Off the plank with ye!

Previous Ways Not To Die: Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head


Sean T. Collins said...

C'mon, man! Who doesn't love a three hour roller-coaster ride of non-stop negotiating?

Good monsters, though.

Joe Reid said...

Dude, I LOVED the first one, liked the second one way better than most people, but that third one was just unfathomably dull. With the gods and the mysticism and the laws of maritime parliamentary procedure...lord a'mighty. Poor Geoffrey Rush certainly tried his best, though.

Jason Adams said...

I actually liked the 2nd one more than the first one. Which gets me thinking, I have this weird tendency to love Part 2's. Ghostbusters 2, Gremlins 2, Back to the Future Part 2, Temple of Doom, Pirates, 28 Weeks later... the list goes on and on and on. Weird.

But I was never a huge fan of the Pirates series. Sure, I thought Captain Jack was a fun creation from Mr. Depp, and he seemed to be having a ball and it was nice to see that, but all that awards talk and the nominations he got seemed totally blown out of proportion to me. Plus, they were always a little bloated. So I liked them, but never loved them.