Wednesday, November 21, 2007

5 Off The Top Of My Head - Turnblad to the Bone

Sometimes when arranging my Netlix queue I sorta lose my mind. See, if Netflix receives returned movies from you on a Monday, a smart move is to throw brand new movies - the ones that come out on the next day, Tuesday being the day new DVDs are released - right at the top of your queue because they'll send them to you and you avoid dreaded "Very Long Wait" messages. It's a quick way to get new stuff, so I always try to manage having Netflix receive returned movies on a Monday - meaning you send them back on the previous Friday or Saturday - to get the new stuff quickly. It's a trick of the trade for us Netflix-lunatics - don't say I never taught ya nothing! Anyway, when it's Monday and I'm checking what new movies are coming out the next day to add to the top of my queue so I get them right away, sometimes I'll throw a movie up there just because, I don't know, I feel pressured or something. Hoisted by my own petard!

All this is how I explain how I ended up with Hairspray at home yesterday. A movie I thought I'd avoid for the ages. I don't know what made me put it on my queue, besides the aforementioned sense of stressful derangement this queue-arrangement instills in me. On the positive side, this practice also got me a copy of Rescue Dawn yesterday, which I'm dying to watch. But in the interest of getting Hairspray out of my home as quickly as possible, lest the infection spread, I realized I needed to sit down and watch it last night. So I set a bottle of bourbon to my left, held my finger tight to the fast-forward button on my right, and pressed play. Here are five things I learned:

1 - I actually fast-forwarded much less than I expected to. Somewhere in the murky depths of chintz and shameless mugging there was a movie I'd have liked to see. One that starred Allison Janney and Amanda Bynes and Elijah Kelley. Jimmy Marsden was shockingly perfect, too.

2 - I'm beginning to suspect that Michelle Pfeiffer might not be 100% human. And that David E. Kelley's main duties in life are to procure her nubile virgins.

3 - There were actually a couple of moments when I thought Nikki Blonsky was Ricki Lake. From certain angles they look mighty similar. What this says for Miss Blonksy - perfectly charming in the role - and the future of her career (bottom-of-the-barrel talk-show here she comes?) I apologize.

4 - Speaking of doppelgänging, this one was the boyfriend's call and I'll be golly-darned if he didn't hit the nail on the head: John Travolta as Edna Turnblad was a ringer for the QVC-era Suzanne Somers:

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Speaking of Miss Travolta - and really I'd like to do as little of that as possible, as his scenes were the ones where my finger found a mind of its own and wore the fast-forward button ragged - just... what the fuck? I mean... just... what the fuck? Listen, this movie was loud. I had the volume adjusted to a really low setting and it was still blaring at me, but every time it was Edna Turnblad's moment to sing I couldn't make out a damned word he was saying. Not that I especially wanted to hear what he was saying, or watch anything coming out of that face... that face that looked like somebody spit-shined a tumor to a glisteny sickening glow. Ugh - a world of shudder. Anyway, never have I missed Divine more.

5 - But as gross as Travolta was? Even stronger was my revulsion whenever the pretty pretty princess Zac Efron was on-screen. That kid creeps me the fuck out. Eww go away.


Colin said...

I'm beginning to suspect that Michelle Pfeiffer might not be 100% human. And that David E. Kelley's main duties in life are to procure her nubile virgins.

Michelle Pfeiffer + Elizabeth Bathory = Oscar?

J.D. said...

Nope, that Julie Delpy's Oscar.

Colin said...

Julie Delpy should already have won an Oscar for one of her portrayals of Celine, but I'll settle for Bathory, yes. ;)