Amy "Mad Genius" Sedaris turns 46 today. Yes, 46. As in the exact age Jerri Blank is when she goes back to High School. So tis a special day! In celebration, I say we all take a moment to shriek something inappropriate at someone we love today. Here are a few of options:
"I want your spermies!!!"
"My vagina's all... puffy."
"Are you as real as the Demon with 100 Eyes?"
"Pee on me."
"Geez, why are you people so sensitive
about your resemblance to monkeys? They're adorable."
"Stoney and I would go over to Buckle's and Puff
would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled
into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies.
I'd wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high.
Those were some good times."
Recite this once today in honor of m'lady!
And then there's the Ultimate Quote to End All Jerri Blank Quotes:
""Packing a Musket", by Jerri Blank.
When you work from your home
and johns call on the phone,
you're a call girl.
When you walk 'til you limp
and give a cut to a pimp,
you're a street whore.
When they're beggin' you please
to get down on your knees
near their groinage,
excusa me, but you see,
don't you touch where they pee
without coinage. "