Roger, Copy That

After Roger Ebert so thoroughly dissed Hack Supreme Rob Schneider in his review last week of the Deuce Bigalow sequel (choice quote: "Does this sound like a movie you want to see? It sounds to me like a movie that Columbia Pictures and the film's producers should be discussing in long, sad conversations with their inner child"), it got me wanting a run-down of best Ebert disses.

And Roger's always listening.

Cuz now comes this, a handy dandy list of movies Ebert loathed, loaded with scathing goodness.

Cue examples:

"Mad Dog Time is the first movie I have seen that does not improve on the sight of a blank screen viewed for the same length of time. Oh, I've seen bad movies before. But they usually made me care about how bad they were. Watching Mad Dog Time is like waiting for the bus in a city where you're not sure they have a bus line.... Mad Dog Time should be cut into free ukulele picks for the poor."

"The Spice Girls are easier to tell apart than the Mutant Ninja Turtles, but that is small consolation: What can you say about five women whose principal distinguishing characteristic is that they have different names? They occupy Spice World as if they were watching it: They're so detached they can't even successfully lip-synch their own songs."

"Critters 2: The Main Course is a movie about furry little hand puppets with lots of teeth, who are held up to salad bars by invisible puppeteers while large numbers of actors scream and pronounce unlikely dialogue."

"The Scarlet Letter imagines all of the events leading up to the adultery, photographed in the style of those "Playboy's Fantasies" videos. It adds action: Indians, deadly fights, burning buildings, even the old trick where the condemned on the scaffold are saved by a violent interruption. And it converts the Rev. Dimmesdale from a scoundrel into a romantic and a weakling, perhaps because the times are not right for a movie about a fundamentalist hypocrite. It also gives us a red bird, which seems to represent the devil, and a shapely slave girl, who seems to represent the filmmakers' desire to introduce voyeurism into the big sex scenes."

These aren't even the funniest ones, just a random sampling. For hilarious times, read his review of A Lot Like Love.

Roger is my hero.