Thursday, February 10, 2011

Thursday's Ways Not To Die


I knew I was doing this one as soon as we heard a few weeks back that Anne Hathaway had been cast as Selina Kyle in Christopher Nolan's next Batman movie, but things kept getting in the way. For one I realized that I didn't own a copy of Batman Returns on DVD! Can you even imagine? I was horrified. I guess I'd catch the film on TV every so often and that had been sating my Pfeiffer fix in the meantime. So I rectified that and got myself a copy, and then the Pantys got in the way. Time time time, it's never on my side.

But anyway here it is, finally. It's never a bad time to think upon Michelle performance as Catwoman so that works in my favor. This film is going to be 20 years old next year! That's insane. I am fucking old. This movie came out a month before my fifteenth birthday so I really couldn't have been more perfectly situated in its target audience. I adored it. I still do. But even for those that don't love the film it's the general opinion by everyone that Michelle Pfeiffer was incredible, right? Don't tell me otherwise, I can't wrap my head around anyone not thinking that. She owns this role as much as Heath Ledger now owns The Joker.


We still haven't heard what Nolan's doing with Hathaway, if she's just playing Selina or if there'll be a Catwoman element... my guess is he sticks to the more realistic cat-burglar element of the character if we do see her slip into a black bodysuit at all. But that's just baseless speculation really. What's not baseless speculation is that I'm gonna go to my grave wishing for a Pfeiffer Catwoman movie. I'll never let go!

Previous Ways Not To Die: Boat Smoosh -- Meeting the French-Tipped Menace -- A Magic Trick -- Slick Suck -- We Who Walk Here Walk Alone -- Raptor Bait -- Kneegasm'd -- Dare to Dream in Fincher -- Reach Out and Throttle Someone -- De-Faced -- Voluntary Drowning -- Cross Borne -- Pulled Up Hell's Sphincter -- An Arrow Up The Ass - The Numerous Violent Unbecomings of Olive Oyl -- Ack! Ack! Zap! -- Baby's First Acid Splash -- Chop, Drop and Sashimi Roll -- Forever Rafter -- Can't You Hear Me Now? -- Daisies Ways #5 - Harpoony Side Up -- Acid Dip -- On a Wing and a Prey -- For Standing in the Way of Sappho -- Busting Rule Number Three (For The Purpose of Number Two) -- Daisies #4 - Window Dressed To Killed -- Hands Off the Haas Orb -- Bullet Ballet -- A Single Vacancy at the Roach Motel -- A School Bus Slipped Thru The Ice -- Trache-AAHHHH!!!-tomy'd - For Mel Gibson's Sins -- A Wide Stanced Slashing --- Daisies Ways #3 - Scratch n' Snuffed -- The Victim of a Viscous Hit & Run -- Curled -- Kabobbed -- Daisies Ways #2 - Aggravated Cementia -- Boo! Nun! -- 2009's Ways Not To Die -- Bug Scratch Fever -- Daisies Ways #1 - Deep Fat Fried in My Own Unique Blend of 500 Herbs & Spices -- By the Yard End of the Stick -- Screwed From A Very Great Distance -- A Righteous Bear-Jew Beatdown -- Fisted By Hugo Sitglitz -- Xeno Morphed -- Fuck-Stuck -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 4 -- Lava Bombed -- The Cradle Will Rock... Your Face Off!!! -- The Food of the Nilbog Goblins -- The Slugs Is Gonna Gitcha -- Phone Shark -- Hide The Carrot -- Sarlacc Snacked -- Avada Kedavra!!! -- Hooked, Lined and Sinkered -- "The Libyans!" -- Axe Me No Questions -- Pin the Chainsaw on the Prostitute -- The Wrath of the Crystal Unicorn -- The Ultimate Extreme Make-Over -- Drown In A Sink Before The Opening Credits Even Roll -- The Dog Who Knew Too Much -- Don't Die Over Spilled Milk -- Inviting the Wrath of Aguirre -- An Inconceivable Outwitting -- The Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -- Nipple Injected Blue Junk -- Your Pick Of The Deadly Six -- Thing Hungry -- Don't Fuck With The Serial Killer's Daughter -- DO Forget To Add The Fabric Softener -- Any Of The Ways Depicted In This Masterpiece Of Lost Cinema -- Rode Down In The Friscalating Dusklight -- Good Morning, Sunshine! -- Mornin' Cuppa Drano -- The Cylon-Engineered Apocalypse -- Tender-Eye-zed -- Martian Atmospheric Asphyxiation -- Maimed By A Mystical Person-Cat -- The Sheets Are Not To Be Trusted -- Handicapable Face-Hacked -- I Did It For You, Faramir -- Summertime In The Park... Of A Pedophile's Mind -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 3 -- Strung Up With Festive Holiday Bulbs By Santa Claus Himself -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 2 -- A Vengeful Elevator God: Part 1 -- Decapitated Plucked Broiled & Sliced -- Head On A Stick! -- A Trip To The Ol' Wood-Chipper -- Pointed By The T-1000 -- Sucking Face With Freddy Krueger -- A Pen-Full Of Home-Brewed Speed to The Eye -- Motivational Speech, Interrupted -- A Freak Ephemera Storm -- When Ya Gotta Go... Ya Gotta Go -- Hoisted By Your Own Hand Grenade -- Having The Years Suction-Cupped Away -- Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head


Anonymous said...

I effing love this post. Your blog is awesome. You are awesome.

Jason Adams said...

Aww thanks, anon. :)

Elian L. said...

I love this post too. Did you know that Catwoman's original line in the movie was "The world tells boys to conquer the world, and girls to wear clean panties. A man dressed as a bat is a he-man, but a woman dressed as a cat is a she-devil. I'm just living down to my expectations. Life's a bitch—now so am I,"

Intense and great, right?

Legend Rivera said...

Pretty big kitten heels to fill Anne.

Derreck said...

I honestly refuse to choose in this poll. I can't. Both of them were fantastic in their roles.

Laika said...

I always thought she called him 'anti-Claus', punning on Santa/Santy Claus while positioning him as the exact opposite - the Anti-Christ of commercialised christmas - but I think the dizzying levels of punning and wordplay in the movie might just have gone to my head.

Jason Adams said...

Laika I did too, and I'm actually pissed I didn't mention it in the post now that you mention it. The way that "kiss" rolls into "Santy" it really does sound that way, and as you explain it, it makes sense on a wordplay level.

Elian, I didn't know that and that's a glorious line. Do you know why they changed it? The writing in this film's undervalued, I think - it balances out the seriousness of Nolan's films - which I do think need to take themselves a little less seriously, to be honest - with the cartoony nature of the 60s series perfectly I think. It's so funny and quotable.

Mark said...

choosing between heath ledger's joker and michelle pfeiffer's catwoman is like sophie's choice. not going there at all. but i love, love your blog, esp when you write about things in my head - like the longing for a michelle pfeiffer catwoman movie.

Anonymous said...

She is so effing hot in that movie!