Thursday, September 11, 2008

Thursday's Ways Not To Mostly Die


Hey there, lil' Fred Savage! I had to include his reaction shot - tis priceless. Doesn't seeing him like that make you want to watch The Wizard? I loved The Wizard when I was a kid. I wanted to go to a giant Videogame Championship Tournament more than anything in the world. For the hell of it, here's The Wizard's trailer:

. .

Dudes, I need to see that movie right this second.

Anyway, right around this same time I was also obsessed with William Goldman's book of The Princess Bride. Of course, back then I had no idea that William Goldman was an amazingly accomplished screenwriter - Butch and Sundance, The Stepford Wives, All the President's Men, Marathon Man - all he was to me was the dude that gave the world Princess Buttercup and her ever-loyal Westley ("Aaaaas Yooooooouuuu Wiiiiiiiiish...").

One thing that drove me nuts about the movie version was its removal of my absolute favorite part of the book - The Zoo Of Death! I wanted to see The Zoo Of Death visualized so very badly, and it was replaced by a silly suction-cupped water-wheel machine. WTF?

Still, this is another one of those death scenes - like Johnny Depp's in A Nightmare on Elm Street - that made tween-JA (before there was such a commodity as "tween" of course) feel... a little funny. I mean... Cary Elwes was a beautiful young man in 1987.

And here he is, all shirtless and strapped up and writhing... gives me the vapors still, it does. And I'm not ashamed! It's freaky things like this that turned me into the wondrous weirdo I am today. Huzzah!

Previous Ways Not To Die: Criss-Cross -- Turned Into A Person-Cocoon By The Touch Of A Little Girl's Mirror Doppleganger -- Satisfying Society's "Pop Princess" Blood-Lust -- Done In By The Doggie Door -- Tuned Out -- Taking the 107th Step -- Rescuing Gretchen -- Incinerated By Lousy Dialogue -- Starred & Striped Forever -- Vivisection Via Vaginally-Minded Barbed-Wire -- Chompers (Down There) -- Run Down By M. Night Shyamalan -- Everything Up To And Including The Kitchen Toaster -- Sacrificed To Kali -- Via The Gargantuan Venom Of The Black Mamba Snake -- Turned Into An Evil Robot -- The Out-Of-Nowhere Careening Vehicle Splat -- "Oh My God... It's Dip!!!" -- Critter Balled -- Stuff'd -- A Hot-Air Balloon Ride... Straight To Hell!!! -- Puppy Betrayal -- High-Heeled By A Girlfriend Impersonator -- Flip-Top Beheaded -- Because I'm Too Goddamned Beautiful To Live -- By Choosing... Poorly... -- Fried Alive Due To Baby Ingenuity -- A Good Old-Fashioned Tentacle Smothering -- Eepa! Eepa! -- Gremlins Ate My Stairlift -- An Icicle Thru The Eye -- Face Carved Off By Ghost Doctor After Lesbian Tryst With Zombie Women -- Electrocuted By Fallen Power-Lines -- A Mouthful Of Flare -- Taken By The TV Lady -- Bitten By A Zombie -- Eaten By Your Mattress -- Stuffed To Splitting -- Face Stuck In Liquid Nitrogen -- Crushed By Crumbling Church Debris -- Bitten By The Jaws Of Life -- A Machete To The Crotch -- Showering With A Chain-Saw -- In A Room Filled With Razor Wire -- Pod People'd With Your Dog -- Force-Fed Art -- Skinned By A Witch -- Beaten With An Oar -- Curbed -- Cape Malfunction -- In The Corner -- Cooked In A Tanning Bed -- Diced -- Punched Through The Head -- Bugs Sucking On Your Head


Anonymous said...

As if I didn't already adore you enough, you have to go and post 1987 Cary Elwes. If you were a Princess, I'd bow to you.

ant said...

Thank you so much for The Wizard trailer. That was so great. I liked how they referenced but cut the baseless pedophile accusation from the trailer--Jenny Lewis screaming "He touched my breasts!!!!!" In my experience, The Wizard holds up amazingly well.

Erin Kane Spock said...

Thank you for this. I'm so sad that Cary Elwes had to grow up.

Ericka said...

The chap is absolutely just, and there is no question.