Our Best Picture Nominees in 150 Words or Less

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We start with a girl. A girl who OH MY GOD, THIS IS SUPER-QUIRKY flopping jogger packages QUIRKY, UNDERSTAND? and Jennifer Garner is all rearranging her cloth napkins and then TWEE TWEE Hamburger Phone TWEE TWEE some inappropriate feels-incestuous-sorta-but-is-really-just -inappropriate dancing but baby bump interruptus WE NOW INTERRUPT THIS TOUCHING CHARACTER MOMENT FOR THE SCRIPT TO BUTT IN Michael Cera strums. I'll never forgive you for "home-skillet" or "honest to blog."

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Daniel Day Lewis. Daniel. Day. Lewis. Daniel Day. Lewis. Lewis, Daniel Day. Daniel Day Lewis. Cue the dissonant strings! Anybody want a milkshake? TOO BAD.

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Delivered in three character-focused haikus!

Stripped naked in the boardroom,
a secret spilled.
Too many baguettes.

Charred rental car
a wake-up call.
Symbolic horses whinny; run.

The vice-grip of routine,
speeches practiced to perfection.
A silk blouse's pit stains.

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This girl excuse me LADY liked this guy but her sister was all nyah-nyah rapeykins but then she didn't but then she did but then they were happy - symbolized by a good beach-frolic, shocker - but then they were dead and alone and sad, so sad, cuz it was a story see and yeah I do like a nice green dress, who doesn't, but did the green dress actually exist or was that part of her story that she's sticking to... I don't know... just like the ferris wheel, who had a ferris wheel in the middle of a war? I don't know either but she seriously never rethought that haircut in eighty years? Cunt.

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"And now I speak to you, are you in there?
You have her face and her eyes
but you are not her.
And we go at each other like blankets
who can't find their thread and they're bare.

Can't stop what's coming.
Can't stop what is on its way."

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